The Laura Interview: Part Four

Coming towards the end of the interview, I sit back and grin. “Here’s a question that’s been suggested that I know you’ll love- how did you get to be the golden god's BFF?”

“Get lost," she says immediately, "I am not answering that. And the golden god? Really? Seriously? Why?”

“Because I’m awesome.”

“No you’re not.”

“Because I’m brilliant.”

“No, you’re not. They don’t know you like I know you. Next question.”

“In no way do I want to insult your folks, but are they anything like Valkyrie's parents?”

“No. My dad doesn’t do ridiculous things like Valkyrie’s dad. Valkyrie’s mum, we’ve never really got an insight into her, so I don’t know. The dad’s the weirdo so you tend to focus on him more, so I really can’t say.”

“The dad is more like my dad than yours.”

“Yeah. My dad’s very practical, very black and white.”

“Whereas my dad’s a rambler.”

“Yes he is. Abso-bloody-lutely.”

“Someone wants to know what type of car Valkyrie's parents drive. For some reason. I haven’t a clue. What do you think?”

“I’d say her dad drives a Toyota Avensis, and her mum drives a Renault Megane.”

“You’re so helpful. Okay, here’s one. What character am I most like?”

“You? Skulduggery. Straight up. There’s no other character.”

“Not even Gordon?” I ask. “A few readers seem to think he’s my alter ego.”

She shakes her head. “No. No way. You’re not like Gordon. If anything, your humour comes out in my least favourite character, Scapegrace. So that’s the irritating Derek. The cool Derek is Skulduggery. It’s true, though, isn’t it? Skulduggery is the exact same as you. Did you ever deny it?”

“No, never denied it... I mean, when I had the idea, when I was writing the book, and I knew I had to give it my full attention, it was always me and you. That’s who I had in my head when it all began. That’s the-”

“That’s the only relationship you’ve had where there was enough there to act as a basis for the characters.”

“Exactly. How sad is that?”

“Pretty damn sad.”

“Some of my Minions wonder if you read this Blog before this interview stuff started, but you didn’t, did you?”

“I didn’t realise you even had a blog until a few days ago. That’s terrible, isn’t it?”

“The fact is, you have never bothered to see any interviews I did on TV, you’ve never bought the newspapers I’m in, you’ve never even come to a signing, have you?”

“No, no, and no.”

“And it was only today that you saw the official Skulduggery website.”

“Is there a question here, or are you just slating me for being an awful friend?”

“I think that’s what I’m doing.”

“Well, I apologise. But I’m here now, showing an interest. This is me, showing an interest.”

“You don’t look particularly interested.”

“I’m comfortable. In the most uncomfortable chair in the world.”

“Ah, I see.”

“But the thing is, I don’t think I could watch you on TV, I think I’d just crack up laughing at the ridiculousness of it all. The same way, I couldn’t look at you with a queue of people standing in line, wanting your autograph. I’m just not awestruck by you, you know?”

“You should be.”

“Yeah.”

“I’m great.”

“You’re really not.”

“Have you ever tried, or even heard of, a tim tam?”

“No. What is it?”

“Apparently it’s a biscuit in Australia. I doubt it exists. I’m starting to doubt Australia exists. I think I may have dreamed it. How does it feel to have hundreds of people wanting you to do an interview?”

She smiles again, one of the broadest smiles of the night. “I think it’s absolutely bizarre. I think it’s bizarre that people are interested in you, for a start, and I think it’s even more bizarre that people are interested in me. I knew there were people who buy your books, but I didn’t know there was this huge awareness that Valkyrie was inspired by me. So when I first saw this blog, like, the day before yesterday, I just couldn’t believe that people actually cared, you know? I thought that a book is a book, you put it down when you finish it and that’s it. I didn’t think the interest in characters went beyond that. So it’s a little bit surreal.

“I’m very laid back about things like that, though. I don’t get excited by much. I’ve been logging on to the Blog since I discovered it, to see what’s happening, so obviously I am interested. It’s highly amusing.”

“And the fact that Valkyrie has proven herself to be such a popular character,” I say, “means that there are literally hundreds of thousands of people around the world who, you know, admire you, and who...”

“Who like me,” she laughs. “That is so weird. I think if I was lacking in something within myself, or if I were after fame and glory, then I’d let that go to my head, but I’m not either of those things. I’m quite comfortable with myself, so whether or not people like me, isn’t going to change anything, you know? Obviously it’s nice to know that there are people out there who do like me, or at least like the kind of person I am. It’s a hell of a lot better than finding out there are hundreds of thousands of people who hate me. But even if they didn’t like me, so what? I’m happy with who I am. I think I’m doing okay.”

“And that, right there, is who Valkyrie is, and that’s why she’s proven to be so popular. She doesn’t pretend to be something she’s not. I’ve called you a lot of things, most of the time when you’re not around...”

“Ha, I can imagine.”

“... but the one thing I regularly call you to your face is blunt.”

“Yeah. Everyone says that. I get that an awful lot. I’m blunt. Sometimes they call me harsh, and my mum says ‘Laura, you’re so intolerant’. And I am, I suppose, because I hate stupid people, and I hate fake people, and I can’t pretend to like people that I don’t like. My ass is numb from sitting in this chair, by the way. I want a cushion for next time. Next question. What time is it? I’m tired.”

“We’re almost done.”

“Are we?”

“No.” I consult my list of questions. “Do you think Valkyrie’s mum will have a boy or a girl?”

“I really don’t want her to have any kids, to be honest.”

“Really? Yet you have two sisters of your own...”

“Well yeah, but it’s not going to be Valkyrie’s sister, is it? The reflection is going to spend the most amount of time with her, and that’s just not right. It’s not like Valkyrie’s going to take her little sister out on adventures with her, a little two-year old sidekick. But I think it’s going to be a girl, because I have sisters, and you have nieces... Do you know what it’s going to be?”

“Nope.”

“I bet it’ll be a girl. I have that feeling.”

“Okay, every week I get at least five or six girls asking me if they can audition for the part of Valkyrie in the movie. And just to make it clear, we still don’t know if the movie will, in fact, ever be MADE, so there are no auditions PLANNED. But do you wonder what it’ll be like to see someone play, essentially, you, onscreen?”

“Yeah, I do. I think I’m going to be very skeptical of that person. I mean, I’m not going to have a say in the matter, or how she portrays Val, so I think there’d be a lot of tongue-biting going on. You know how vocal I tend to be about things, so I think it’d be a struggle to stay quiet and watch them get on with it. It’s going to be weird. But it’s the same with you, like. If you see something you hate you’re going to be freaked out and horrified, but there’s a certain point where you just won’t have a say anymore, you know? So the only thing you can do is complain about it to me. But you know what I mean? It’s because all of a sudden it stops being yours and becomes someone else’s.”

“If the movie DOES happen, who would you like to see playing the parts?”

“Em... okay. For China, you know who I think it should be, Catherine Zeta Jones. With China, obviously she’s beautiful, but it’s not really about looks, it has to be about the attitude, as well.

“For Ghastly, someone like Vinnie Jones, or someone like that. Someone big. God, it’s really weird, I’ve never thought about this. It’s really strange putting real faces on these fictional characters. Em... for Kenspeckle, that guy who played the granddad in Into The West...”

“David Kelly.”

“Is that who it is? He’s really good, because he’s always so busy, you know? Always so preoccupied. For Skulduggery... I don’t know. You’d have to go with my main one, which is Johnny Depp. It’s just... Johnny does eccentric really, really well, but although Skulduggery is quirky, he’s not all that mad, like. He’s not on the Jack Sparrow and Willy Wonka level of eccentricity. He’s more of a Sherlock Holmes. And I also love Robert Downey Junior. He was incredible in that movie. For Billy-Ray... it’d be Brad Pitt in Fight Club. I don’t know if I’ve answered that question. I find it hard to put real faces to the characters, because for so long they’ve been in my head. It’s just weird, you know?”

“There’s a good question here. I’ve had two movies made, of which you’ve only seen ONE of them.”

“Mm hmm.”

“You haven’t seen my second movie?”

“No. In my defense, you didn’t bring me to it. You only brought me to the first one.”

“Yet more proof regarding what a rubbish friend you are. Right, anyway, my Minions want to know, seeing as how I’ve had movies made, I’ve written books, I’ve won awards, I’ve toured around the world... What will it take for me to impress you?”

There is a long, long silence.

“You so want to know this as well,” she says, eyes narrowed. “Listen, I am impressed. I mean, I’ve told you before, ‘God you’re good at this’. You do impress me. But, everyone is always telling you how brilliant you are, so it’s up to me to keep you grounded. Of course I’m impressed by you. You’ve done amazing things, and you’ve... Okay, I refuse to elaborate on that because everyone spends all day telling you how absolutely wonderful you are, you have hundreds or, I don't know, thousands of people who read your Blog and call you a golden god... I think the day that you tell me something and I jump around and scream ‘oh my God I can’t believe it, that’s amazing’, will be the day you say Laura, get out of my house.”

“I can’t wait for that day.”

“Yeah, right. You’d be lost without me.”

“Okay, here’s the last one. Someone wants to know if Mr. Landy- that’s me- is really such a freaky person in real life or is it all just a funny act for his Minions?”

“Oh he’s a complete and utter lunatic. There is absolutely nothing normal about him, whatsoever. His ego is the size of a double-decker bus. He absolutely adores the fact that he has Minions, and his little Blog just allows him to play out his ‘I’m a god’ fantasies in real life.”

“You are horrible to me.”

“True, but are you going to argue with any of that? This whole thing allows you to have your army, and to have all these people listen to you, and it means you can act the way you wouldn’t be able to act in a normal social situation.”

“That is horrible.”

“It’s true.”

“It’s a little bit true,” I admit. “I am great.”

She frowns. “What? No, that’s not what I said.”

“That’s exactly what you said.”

“That’s not what I said at all.”

“I’m pretty great. I think we can agree on that.”

“I definitely don’t think that that’s the way I want this interview to end.”

“Cool. So we can agree?”

“No, we are not agreeing.”

“And that’s how the interview finishes.”

“You appear to have totally missed the point.”

“Thank you.”

“My God, you’re impossible.”

“You want my autograph?”

“I hate you.”

And with that, Laura stands up, stretches, and right before she manages to turn the microphone off she asks, "Can I borrow the jeep tonight?"

Because THAT is why we are friends. She gets to borrow my jeep and return it days later with an EMPTY TANK.

Ahem.

I’d love to get her back on here, because I had so much fun doing this, so maybe sometime in the future she’ll agree to write a guest-Blog. If we ask her nicely.

However, no matter how nicely I’ve asked, she refuses to let me post a photograph of her. I think she’s very, very mean.

The Laura Interview: Part Three

“Valkyrie is inspired by you in a lot of ways," I say, "from how you look to how you act to what your attitude is towards certain things and certain people- but is there something that Valkyrie has that you wish you had, too?

“Apart from the magic? No.” She smiles. “Valkyrie doesn’t have anything I don’t have.”

“We were talking about the Saw films a few months ago, and you said if you ever found yourself in a situation like that, you would-“

She starts laughing already. “Oh God, yes, what was it?”

“You said you would ‘explode your brain with fear’. That’s an exact quote from you.”

“You’re not going to put that in the interview, are you?”

“Oh yes I am, and it’s a line that WILL find its way into the books, I swear. Val would run headlong into something like that. Would you?”

“Well you see, the thing about the Saw films, it’s psychological, but with Valkyrie it’s all action. She hasn’t been in that kind of torture situation yet. With me, if you hit action, that’s fine, but it’s the fear of impending doom that’s the problem. It’s the fear, it’s the waiting. Whereas if you’re attacked, okay, boom, you handle it immediately, without thinking. But if you know it’s coming you start to panic. If you know there’s someone coming to slice your Achilles tendon, that’s when the fear kicks in.”

“Yeah, that’s, uh, that’s not pleasant.”

“No, it’s not. The only thing worse than death is the anticipation of death. I don’t think Val likes waiting around either. It allows the fear to fester.”

“We have an A, B or C question now,” I tell her.

“Really? What, are we in a teen magazine now or something?”

“See what you think of this one. If I have Valkyrie do or say something that you don’t agree with, would you A) threaten me, B) plead that I change it, or C) have no control whatsoever in the matter?”

“Can I add a D?”

“Go ahead.”

She leans forward. “Just tell you, ‘Derek, I wouldn’t say this, change it now’. I wouldn’t have to threaten you, because usually you’re really good about things like that. You like constructive criticism. It wouldn’t be a command or a demand, it would just be a statement. ‘This isn’t working. Fix it.’”

“What else do you usually get me to fix? When I’m finished writing a book, I’ll print up the manuscript and hand it over to you at the same time as I send it to my agent and editor. I get everyone’s notes back and I rewrite according to those notes. What are the main things that you pull me up on, in those early drafts?”

“Valkyrie saying stupid things. China going off and being friendly with people. That was a major problem with, um, what book was that? Where she’s standing around with Fletcher...?”

“Dark Days, when Val goes through the portal and China and Fletcher are left behind.”

“Yeah, that’s it. In the version you showed me, she has a nice friendly chat with Fletcher while they’re waiting around. But that’s just not China. You’d forgotten how aloof she is, and above it all, and how she really and honestly couldn’t care less about someone like Fletcher Renn.” Laura catches sight of something yellow and fluffy under my desk. “What’s this? Oh, it’s a duster.”

She pulls out the duster, extends the plastic handle, and proceeds to dust my face.

“This is very mature,” I mutter.

“This is so weird,” she says. “All these questions. We don’t have conversations like this. We talk about everything else- like, literally everything else- but we’ve never had a conversation about my feelings on being your inspiration, or whatever. You’re secretly delighted, aren’t you? You’re getting an insight into my brain.”

“Could you please stop dusting me?”

She sighs, and throws down the duster. “What’s the question? Oh yeah, what are the things I pull you up on. I don’t like when characters become too annoying, or when you try to make them go all funny when they’re not, or when Valkyrie and Skulduggery’s conversations get too ridiculous, and I don’t like-”

“That’s actually quite a list already.”

“Shush.”

“I actually didn’t expect it to be that extensive.”

“Shut up. We’ve also had some issues about character overlap, when different characters start to share the same type of humour. Like when Scapegrace was getting too like Kenspeckle, and the zombies were like Valkyrie’s dad, and Gordon was too like the zombies... But the thing is, by the time the book is printed and on a shelf, none of those things are in it anymore. You get rid of them in the manuscript, so that nobody out there knows what I’m talking about. Those kinds of things don’t make it into the books, not when I’m on duty. Or Michelle.” She leans into the microphone. “Michelle is Derek’s agent. Hi Michelle.”

“So you and Michelle safeguard these books?” I ask. “But not Nick? Nick doesn’t do anything?”

“Who’s Nick?”

“Nick is my editor.”

“Ooops.” Laura leans into the microphone. “Hi Nick. You’re doing a wonderful job. Well done.”

“So that’s it, then,” I say. “The main things you don’t like in the early drafts all stem from the fact that you seem to have an inability to find me funny.”

“Yeah,” she sighs. “You’re not funny at all.”

“I’m hilarious.”

“Sometimes I write little notes in the manuscript saying that this or that is kind of funny.” She speaks into the microphone again. “And now Derek is making a sad face.”

“See, this is what I don’t understand. How can you not find me remotely funny?”

“I just don’t.”

“But what’s wrong with you?”

“I’m sorry. Maybe it’s because I’ve known you for so long.”

“My mother has known me for longer. She thinks I’m hysterical.”

“Barbara laughs just to be nice to you. But I’ve never found you funny, have I?”

“That’s the thing, you haven’t. I mean, I’m not friends with an awful lot of people...”

“You can’t write that,” she says with a frown. “You don’t want your readers to think you’re unpopular.”

“Well, uh, actually I was going to spin it my way, tell them I just don’t like too many people, in general.”

“So it’s not just that you can’t make friends, then?”

“I was going to steer away from that little fact.”

She smiles. “Now I want you to put this in. Write this in. So, just for the record, you do have friends, right?”

“I have one or two. But most people like me because I’m, you know, funny. That’s what I bring to the table. But you...”

“I know. So why do I like you?”

“Yeah. If you don’t find me funny, then why are we close?”

“Oh my God,” she says. “I’ve just realised.”

“You don’t like me.”

“I don’t like you. Oh my God. Suddenly it’s all so clear. Suddenly it all makes sense!” She grins. “I mean, hey, sometimes I think you’re sort of funny.”

“And you laugh sometimes.”

“I do, yeah, like when you make that stupid face that you’re making now, the sad puppy face... I don’t know, I’ve just never found your humour funny, and it irritates me when you’re trying to be funny in your books.”

“Well, what about real life?”

“In real life, do I think you’re funny? No. We’ve already established that you’re not.”

“But... but I... I mean...”

She grins. “Go on, throw a little tantrum there. Throw that pen down again.”

I sit back and sulk.

She laughs. “See, you’re funny when you’re not trying to be funny, like there now when you’re having your little tantrum, throwing your pen down on the ground like a little spoiled child. ‘I am funny! I am!’”

“Well maybe if we, you know, interacted with other people instead of it always just being the two of us, then you could see just how funny I am in a social setting. Like, if we go out with a group of friends.”

“You don’t have a group of friends.”

“But you do, and I’d like to borrow them if they’re not being used.”

“You can’t. They’re my friends. But to get back to your question, why am I your friend? Because I like you. You just... are. You just... I don’t know why. When we sit down and have a conversation it’s just easy. I don’t know, it’s always been easy to talk to you. But I don’t think you’re funny.”

“I don’t think you’re funny either.”

“Yeah you do, you’re always laughing at the funny things I say.”

“I think you’re hysterical,” I admit sadly.

“See?”

“Okay, next question. How close is your life to Valkyrie’s, if you forget about all the magic stuff?”

“I live in a coastal town, beside the pier, there’s a hill up to my house, you can see the Martello tower, I get on great with my Mum.... But I have sisters, which Valkyrie doesn’t. My dad isn’t ridiculous like Valkyrie’s dad. I have horses.”

“Have you ever disagreed with how I’ve portrayed Valkyrie?”

“Yes, but whatever problems I have with your portrayal never make it into the final book, because I always win.”

“We have a few straightforward questions now. The folks out there want to know how old you are.”

“22.”

“Have you ever done martial arts?”

“Yes.”

“What type of car do you drive?”

She grins again. “A BMW. Black. I work hard.”

“How close are you to Tom’s drawing? The image of Valkyrie on the covers?”

“Um... very close, I’d say. Wouldn’t you? Obviously her features are sharper because that’s the style of the artist, but yeah, fairly close. Eyes, hair, height...”

“The readers of this Blog would really like a photo...”

“Oh they’re not getting a photo.”

“But you’re so pretty...”

“Ah Derek, they’re not getting a photo, because then no matter what image they had when they’re reading the books, they’re going to see me as Valkyrie, and I hate that. I hate when I go to a film, and then I go and read the book again, and all I see is the actor in the film. Like with Harry Potter, when you read the books, all you see are the actors. Besides, I have no desire to be famous.”

“They’re seriously going to complain if I don’t show them a photo.”

“I’m seriously going to hit you if you do.”

“Moving swiftly on, you’re going into your final year of college in September, which I know you’re super-happy about, but my Minions want to know what you do in your spare time. Do you actually HAVE spare time?”

“I ride horses.”

“How long have you ridden horses?”

“I had my first lesson on, I think, my fourth birthday.”

“And how many horses do you own?”

“Three and half.”

“You own three and a half horses?”

“Yes.”

“Which one is the half?”

She smiles. “Dinky.”

“Ah, the legendary Dinky. Half pony, half... I don’t know... hedgehog, or something.”

“Don’t insult the Dink.”

“Sorry Dink. So, when you’re not in college, your time is pretty much taken up with horses.”

“And everyone always thinks, when they hear you have horses, they always think ‘oh, little rich girl’, and I’m so not, you know? But they have this idea, of playing polo and the white jodhpurs and whatever. And I’m like, ‘if they see me sometimes when I come up to Derek’s, covered in mud and muck, and I nearly strip at the door’. Like, in the wintertime, what am I like? Like a little onion, all wrapped up in layers.”

“What was the first horse you owned?”

“That’d be Mister. I bought him for 250 pounds when I was 8, all my Communion money. He was so dangerous. He was a stallion yearling that should not have been given to any child. I don’t know how I wasn’t killed, I really don’t.”

“You’ve broken your leg a few times.”

“Twice. The first time wasn’t bad, I was only in plaster for 8 weeks. The second time was a disaster. I was mangled, remember? I had pins in my leg and scars and I was on crutches for 16 weeks. But I’m not a soft-ass. I’m a hard-ass. The moment I could walk without those bloody crutches, I threw them down. It was so utterly inconvenient. I hated it.”

“Anything else broken?”

She hesitates. “Ribs. Wrist. Toes. And I broke my knuckle last week.”

She shows me her left hand, where the middle knuckle is definitely off centre. “Oh my God,” I say. “It’s out of shape!”

“Yes Derek, I know. I can’t make a fist properly. I just fell off a horse, jumping. And I think that’s when I pulled a muscle in my neck as well. It wasn’t my own horse, it was someone else’s. Bloody horses. But what can you do? Horrible in the wintertime, great in the summertime, and they make me money.” She shrugs.

“That’s actually why I was so intent on giving Valkyrie a broken leg in the first book,” I say. “Because you had suffered that injury, I felt she had to, too.”

“So you hurt her because I'd been hurt? No other reason but to inflict pain on the poor girl? You’re a sadist.”

“I’m not a sadist, I just enjoy hurting people.”

“Uh, that’s what a sadist is, Derek.”

“Oh yeah.”

Join us NEXT TIME for the fourth and FINAL part of this interview, when Laura talks about why she never watches me on TV, who she thinks should play Skulduggery in a movie, and why she refuses to admit that I’m awesome. 

The Laura Interview: Part Two

“Now this is an interesting one," I say. "When it came time for Valkyrie to get a boyfriend, we actually did have a few discussions about it. At first you hated Fletcher- what do you think of him now?"

“Oh I hated him,” Laura nods. “He was irritating and annoying and needy and clingy, everything I’ve always hated about boyfriends. I’m all Team Caelan, like. Bad boy. Cool, mysterious... He has that “oh my God I so shouldn’t be doing this, but I will anyway” kind of thing. And he’s sexy, and he’s...” She pauses. “Fletcher is what is expected. Caelan is what is forbidden.”

“It’s so funny,” she continues, starting to smile, “because whenever you’re talking about Skulduggery not knowing about the Caelan thing, about the level of attraction and, kind of, flirtation that’s going on when he’s not around, I always think of the times when you’ve found out that I haven’t told you something, and you go all quiet. It’s just like that. You write it exactly the same as how you act. You do that scary quiet thing when you get angry.”

“Yes, well, enough about me...”

“What do you mean, enough about you? This whole interview is about you! Finally you get a reason to ask me all this stuff. But okay, back to the question, which was, uh... Fletcher. Yes. I hated Fletcher at the start, I hated his arrogance, I hated the fact that Val fell for him, because I never would have fallen for someone so in love with himself.”

“Has he improved?”

“He’s not as annoying. He’s not as cocky as... no, actually, he’s still as cocky as he ever was.”

“But if you remember,” I say, “in the first two books you seriously did not like Tanith.”

“She annoyed me, too. She was too cocky. She just... You have a habit of writing characters that annoy me, don’t you? Or maybe I’m just intolerant.”

“I think that’s what it is.”

“I think you’re annoying.”

“We really don’t have to go there. But while Tanith finally proved herself to you, Fletcher still hasn’t, has he?”

Laura makes a face. “Ah... He’s saved the day a few times, and he’s been in agony in The Faceless Ones, and he’s come through, so there’s probably not much more he could do to earn my respect. I’m probably just a bit, you know... tough on him.”

“We’ve seen Valkyrie start out as an Elemental and then take up the Necromancer ring- which power would you prefer?”

“Oh, now that’s a question I’ve been struggling with. I’d love to be able to keep the two. With Necromancy, I wouldn’t want to go down that dark path... Well, actually, it’s not so much the dark thing, I’d just hate to be part of the Necromancer Order. I don’t like them. It’s like being in church. I love the scariness of it and I love the coldness and the shadows, and I love all that. I’d love to be able to keep both kinds of powers- it’d be like something out of Captain Planet, where you’d be able to have them all.”

I laugh, impressed that she’s managed to reference one of the worst cartoons of all time.

“I know she has to choose,” Laura continues. “I mean, you obviously know which way she’s going to choose...”

“I don’t actually.”

“Do you not? Could you not make it so that she can have the two, no?”

“Nope. When she gets to 19 or 20, she’s going to have to make a choice.”

“It’s kind of hard. The problem with Necromancy is that it seems to be kind of limited- the shadows can come around and grab the guy and whatever, and that’s it. Whereas with Elemental magic, you give yourself a lot more options, especially because Skulduggery is learning all these new tricks.”

“So if you really had to pick?”

“Oh God... Okay, if you take out the Order, Necromancy. It also just sounds cooler.”

“So how does it feel to know that you served as the inspiration for one of the main characters? Is it weird?”

“It’s not... weird. I mean, when people say that, that I’m the inspiration, it’s... Okay, the personalities are very similar, even when I read it myself I laugh because the comments that she makes are me all over. Especially early on, it was funny, I used to put a little star beside all the things that I’ve actually said to you in real life. There are conversations in there that we’ve actually had. But because it happened- and I’ve actually been thinking about this question- because it happened the way it did- the book was written, you got a deal- it’s just kind of snowballed. So it’s not like if someone turned around and presented me with a book about my life. It’s not like that. It’s something that grew organically. There’s never been one particular day where everything had just changed overnight. Do you understand what I’m saying?”

I go to respond but, in typical Laura fashion, she talks over me and continues. “Not that it doesn’t have the wow factor,” she says. “Obviously it’s cool, when you see little things in the book... I don’t think anyone apart from myself will pick up on all of these little things, but still, it’s nice.” She shrugs. “And you’re my friend, so I’m glad I could be of service.”

“Can you remember how you felt when I first told you I was writing a book about a skeleton detective, and that, basically, the lead female character was inspired by you?”

She looks a little sheepish. “I actually do not remember. Would you believe that? Like, I remember you telling me about the book deal... I was just like, “What? No way. Really?” I actually didn’t get excited about it until after you’d hung up, and I was sitting there in the car and I went, ‘Derek’s got a book deal...’ I couldn’t get my head around it. It came completely out of the blue. You’d told me that a few publishers had been on to your agent, but you were playing it very cool, very low key, you didn’t want anyone to get their hopes up, so I had no idea this was in the pipeline, you know?”

“I really regret telling you on the phone,” I say. “I regret not telling you to come over to the house, because I didn’t get to tell you to your face and see your reaction.”

“I know! It was like... ‘Oh right. No way. Cool.’ You know? I didn’t have the chance to go ‘What? Are you JOKING me?’ But yeah, anyway, that wasn’t the question. See, it was never, ‘hey look, I’ve got this book written, and this character is inspired by you’. It was ‘hey, I’m writing a book, I don’t know if I’ll ever finish it, but...’ Y’know?”

“So when did it hit you, about the deal?”

“It was probably the first time I saw you after that phone call, where it hit me that, wow, this is real, this isn’t a joke. But I don’t think I actually went ‘woah’ until I saw the book. The first time I saw the book on the bookshelf in Easons, I was all-” she changes her voice to a squeal- “‘Oh my God, look, it’s a book, and it’s hardback, that’s so cool...!’ And I can’t believe I just admitted that.

“I remember you were so excited when you showed me the book for the first time, we were both like ‘wooaaahh’. And the new books, you’re always excited about showing me the new books.”

“How much is Valkyrie actually like you?”

She laughs. “Ridiculously so. It’s ridiculous. Do you not think so? Well obviously you do. The conversations that Valkyrie and Skulduggery have, like, I actually sit and laugh because it’s like looking into a mirror at myself, and even the stupid comments, like oh my god, no, rolling the eyes, it’s all there. It’s ridiculous. It’s not how much she’s like me, it’s how much she is me. And even when I proofread the manuscripts, if the dialogue deviates from what I would say then I make you take it out, so by the time it arrives in book form, she is exactly like me. She’s younger, obviously, and I don’t have the magic powers, darn it, but apart from that, yeah. Ridiculous.

“And the times when Val and Skulduggery disagree about something, her reaction is identical to mine. Like, just sit and sulk. Do you know the way she’s like?” Laura folds her arms and proceeds to look very sullen indeed. “This is definitely my reaction. As much as I hate to admit it, I’d sit there and sulk, and you’d go all quiet... It’s funny. Unlike everyone else in the world, when we have an argument, instead of raising our voices, we do the complete opposite, it all goes totally quiet. What is wrong with us?”

“There’s nothing wrong with me.”

“There’s a lot wrong with you.”

“So, skipping over that, do you think you’d react in the same way that Valkyrie does in those situations? Like, the social situations, her interactions with people...”

“Yeah, like, she walks into rooms with Elders and sorcerers and Orders and she’s not daunted, at all, and I’m the same. I’d walk in anywhere, I don’t feel out of place, or intimidated...”

“You’ve always been like that.”

“Yeah.”

“Is there something about you or your life that you wish I hadn't put in the book?”

“God, I hate these questions, because they are all to do with you and how I feel about what you do and what you’re doing... It’s totally unfair how you get to ask me these things.”

“Yes,” I say happily. “I know. There are, obviously, elements of your life that I stay away from, that I don’t include, but in terms of who she is, her personality, you don’t try to get me to write her as super-cool, or super-nice, or super-anything. In fact, you get amazingly embarrassed if I go overboard on any of those things.”

“At the end of the day, if I’m reading it and she says something stupid, and I cringe and go ‘oh my God, I can’t BELIEVE you made me say that’, and it’s like, I’m not saying it, it’s not me, but I still cringe. I just cross out things like that, stupid things I’d never say, or something like poking myself in the eye when I’m applying mascara, like you had in Mortal Coil. I would never do that. I hope you took that out.”

“I did.”

“You had better.”

“I did, I swear.”

“I actually get embarrassed myself, and then I go ‘why am I embarrassed, it’s Valkyrie, it’s not me’, but that’s still the way I look at it. I refuse to let her do stupid things, or... And you remember, in an earlier book, you were going to have her getting dumped?”

“Absolutely. In fact my plan was, by the fourth book, she’d get a boyfriend and then he’d cheat on her. That guy obviously turned out to be Fletcher.”

“Yeah, and he dumps her, and when you told me that, and this was when you were writing the third book, I said no way, there is no chance of her getting dumped. That was a huge thing. It was obviously a part of the story you wanted to tell, but I wouldn’t allow it.”

“It turned out to be a major issue," I say, "because I had introduced Fletcher as this cocky character who was going to break Valkyrie’s heart, and suddenly I had to change my plans completely- and because of that, actually, Fletcher himself changed. He stopped being so arrogant and he developed real feelings for her and I was forced to view him through new eyes.

“It’s like what happened with Tanith- my original plan was to kill her in the first book, but my agent convinced me to keep her alive. So I had to rethink the whole thing, and Tanith became Valkyrie’s big sister, in a way. That wasn’t part of my original plan but I’m really happy it worked out the way it did, the same way I’m happy that Fletcher is so much different to how I’d intended him to be. But getting back to the issue, you were just not prepared to accept her being cheated on.”

“No,” Laura says, “no way. Because that makes her a victim. And Val is not and never will be a victim.”

“Is that because you are never the victim?”

“Yes.”

“And is that because no guy would ever cheat on you?”

“Exactly,” she says, completely matter-of-factly, “and if they did they wouldn’t be alive.”

“Okay,” I nod. “Okay. Kind of scary. So would it be right to say that you feel protective over her?”

“In a sense, protective is the wrong word, but the thought of someone cheating on her that time, it was ‘no, that’s not going to happen’. I think... I wouldn’t let you do something to her that I didn’t like. I’m not talking about people attacking her or anything, but someone cheating on her, no, that’s not going to happen. She says something stupid, no, not going to happen. I like the way when someone says something smart to her, she has a smart answer back. If she didn’t, yeah, I’d be offended.”

“So basically, you would be protective of her dignity. The core of the character itself. You don’t want that-“

“-to veer off,” Laura finishes, “and become something weak and false. No. Not going to happen.”

“Is there any aspect of your personality that, if I did write it into the books, you’d tell me to take out?”

“No. No, I’m fairly confident in who I am, and you’ve kept to that really closely. That’s what makes Valkyrie so good, it’s because she’s real. She’s not perfect, but she’s real. The same with Skulduggery. He’s you. You’re not making up stuff, it’s not fiction, this side of things. That’s why it’s so easy, like, that’s why it comes across as so natural.”

“Yeah,” I say, “yeah, the, uh, the...”

She watches me while I try to figure out what I want to say.

“That’s shut you up, hasn’t it?” she asks.

“It has, kind of, yeah.”

“Go on, next question.”

“You don’t tell me what to do.”

“Ask me the next question or I will kick you in the head.”

“Yes dear.”

Join us NEXT TIME for the third part of this interview, when Laura talks about all the things she makes me change in the early drafts of the books, why she doesn’t find me funny, and how many bones she’s broken while riding horses (hint: it’s a LOT).

The Laura Interview: Part One

Welcome, Minions, to the Blog Event of the Decade. Thanks to you and your votes and your enthusiasm, the notoriously reclusive Laura has agreed to let me interview her tonight- her first interview EVER. We shall be gentle.

“Laura, welcome to your first interview. It’s okay to admit that you’re nervous.”

She raises an eyebrow as she sprawls back, trying to get comfortable in the most uncomfortable of chairs. She eventually manages it by putting one foot up on the arm of my chair, the other foot lying across my left knee. She’s wearing unusual shoes.

“Continue,” she says.

“The first question is, I think, hugely important, and possibly the number one question the readers of this blog want answered: Do you possess a black coat?”

“Yes, I do,” she says. “It’s leather.”

We look at each other, and I get a sudden flash of fear that maybe all her answers will be that short, therefore making this the most awful interview ever. Oh dear God. I press on, refusing to let my enthusiasm dim.

“Before we get into the more complex questions,” I say, “let’s sort out a few things. Which Skulduggery book is your favourite?”

“Oh God,” she says. “I don’t know the names of them.”

I stare at her. “What?”

“I don’t,” she insists. “I think it comes from reading the books before they’re actually published, so they all kind of become this one big blur... Do you know what I mean?”

“Um,” I say. “Well, okay, I suppose it doesn’t help that when you do read them, I usually don’t even have a title ready.”

“Exactly. I know each of the books, obviously, it’s just I don’t know what the titles are.”

“Okay, so titles aside, which one is your favourite?”

I look at her. She looks at me. Eight seconds pass.

I lean closer, my voice dropping to a whisper. “Please say you like the books.”

“I love the books,” she assures me, laughing, “I love the books. Which one is my favourite?” She pauses again. “Which one has Paddy in it? The third one.”

“The Faceless Ones.”

“That’s it. I liked that one. I thought it was amazingly clever.”

“It was amazingly clever,” I nod.

“It was. The story was brilliant, and the fight scenes were fantastic.” She shifts in her chair, adjusting her feet.

“You’re wearing wonderful slipper type things,” I say. “They’re... what are they? They’re not slippers, they’re not boots...”

“They’re bootie slippers,” she grins.

“They’re pink. And they have bobbles.”

“They’re tassels, and they’re not pink. They’re pink and grey, and they’re very... festive.”

“And they’re very, very, very... dirty.”

She laughs again. “They’re my outdoor slippers.”

“Where do you wear these?”

“Outdoors.”

“Like... in nightclubs, or...?”

“Nooo... Like, when I’m at home, and it’s dry outside, I don’t mind going out to the car or something. I won’t go out when it’s been raining or I’ll get, you know... wet feet.”

“They’re so cute.”

“And Ruby has pulled the tassels off the right one, so I only have tassels on the left one.”

“Aww, the bobbles.”

“They’re tassels.”

“Tassels, sorry. But they have little bobble things at the ends.”

“They’re tassels.”

“Yes dear,” I say. “Sorry dear. Okay, next question, let’s see... Who is your favourite hero?”

She practically winces. “I hate the word hero.”

“Well, you prefer it to good guy.”

“Yeah, I do.”

“Alright then- who is your favourite character on the side of good?”

“China,” she says without hesitation. “I love her attitude. I love how she doesn’t care about anyone, I love how superior she is. I think she’s fantastic. And she’s so pretty!”

“She is pretty. Okay, your favourite character on the bad side.”

“Oh, it has to be Billy-Ray.”

“Really?”

“Billy-Ray all the way.”

“Any particular reason?”

“Well... he’s not annoying. I love the banter he has with Val when he pops up, it’s like he has to have a little conversation before he actually attacks anyone. I just think he’s really cool, and with his attitude he’s like a twisted version of China. He’s been my favourite from the start.”

“Unlike the other supposedly ‘annoying’ bad guys? Such as?”

“Oh God... Team Zombie.”

“So you’re not a fan of Scapegrace or Thrasher?”

“I just don’t find them funny.”

“You have no soul. Which villain would you least like to go up against?”

“Ohhh... I should have studied before I came. Em... Let me think about it... Oh, I know who it is.” She looks at me, and nods, and clicks her fingers. Ten seconds pass. “Oh God, what’s his name? The assassin from Mortal Coil.”

I raise an eyebrow. “And why is that?”

“Because I just picture this huge Russian, like the kind you see in the movies. And I love those movies about hitmen, I just think they’re awesome. Yeah, I’d definitely hate to go up against him. He seems to have all the angles covered. No matter what happens, no matter what Skulduggery does, even when things go wrong, he’s just like “oh I have to react” and bam. You’re dead. So he’s the one I’d least like to go up against, but the one that weirds me out the most is the... I’m so bad at names... the spider one...”

“The Torment.”

“Awww he makes me sick. Every time I think of him I think of cats coughing up furballs, you know? Except it’s spiders. I’m not scared of spiders. Like, spiders don’t bother me in the house, it’s just that ugh, they come out of his mouth. It’s like that X-Files episode, where your man is eating the cornflakes, and all of a sudden the cornflakes turn into worms, and he’s spitting them all out. Bleurgh.”

“What kind of books did you read when you were Valkyrie’s age?”

She ponders. “Em... I was a big, huge, gigantic fan of Phillip Pullman. He’s brilliant. I thought they were better than Harry Potter. I was so disappointed with the film. Gutted. But the books were brilliant.”

“He’s a very smart man. Very tall man, too.”

“Is he? Have you met him?”

“Once, in Italy. I was just introduced to him, I shook hands with him, and my mind went completely blank.”

“Were you awestruck, were you? Ah, he’s brilliant. So smart.” Her phone lights up, and she looks at it, and starts tapping. “I’m just going to send a text. You can work on your next question.”

“Oh, right. Uh, thanks. I might also include, in this interview, a little something about all the conversations we’ve had over the years that are interrupted by you sending a text message, or taking a call.”

“Yeah?” she says, without looking up.

“I think so.”

“Are you going to complain about it? Are you going to whine and moan?”

“Maybe a little. Because I can. And unlike every other aspect of my life, when I whine and moan here, people will actually care.”

“Oh yeah,” she says absently, “true.”

I sit there for another thirty seconds. “Oh my God, how long does that take?”

“Oh stop,” she sighs. “Since I started this touch screen thing it takes me ages. Okay, go for it.” She puts down the phone. “Ask me another question.”

“Okay... name me a few of your favourite movies.”

“Shawshank Redemption. Eh... Seven. Training Day. I’m just trying to think of films I can watch over and over again and don’t get fed up watching them. Michael Collins.”

“Really?”

“Yep. Eh... The Matrix. First one, none of the others. The Bourne movies. God, I love the Bourne movies. Should I throw in a girly one?”

“Do you have a girly one?”

She laughs. “Not really. No, actually, I do, I have two, from when I was really young. Pretty Woman and Coyote Ugly.”

“My God, you watched some seriously inappropriate films when you were a kid.”

“I really, really did. Ask me another question.”

“Okay, who do you listen to most on your iPod?”

“Muse. Straight up.”

“Wow, that was pretty definite. And you had the chance to see them live in concert a few weeks ago.”

“Ah, stop the lights. I was so sick that weekend. I couldn’t do anything that whole week. And then it absolutely lashed rain all weekend. I mean, give me a break, you know? I work in the rain so I was, like, I am not going to spend my weekend in the rain. No way.”

“Do you play any instruments?”

“No. I used to play the guitar.”

“Were you good?”

“Middling.”

“What was your favourite type of music to play?”

“Anything I could sing along to. Green Day, U2, Jeff Buckley, even though I couldn’t sing along to Jeff Buckley because he’s so difficult to sing to, but I’d give it a go... A little Nirvana every now and then.”

“Tell the nice people about your dog.”

“Aw, my dog is awesomely cool.”

“And her name is?”

“Ruby.”

“And what is she?”

“She’s a Chinese Crested.”

“And does she look like the picture I posted on the Blog?”

“She definitely doesn’t. She looks way cooler than that.”

“She’s got no hair...”

“Okay, she’s got big ears-”

“Big fluffy ears.”

“She’s got big ears, no hair, she’s got booties... She does tricks.”

“Oh yeah, she turns around.”

“She doesn’t ‘turn around’, Derek, she does a twirl.”

“She poos on my floor.”

“She did that once, and she was a puppy. It was her first time in your house and she was just... marking her spot. She sits. She does high fives. She does twirls, she bows, she stays...”

“She stays? Is that a trick? Is ‘not moving’ a trick?”

“Shut up. She’s very clever.”

“How long have you had her?”

“She will be two in September.”

“And did your parents know you were buying a little doggy?”

“Absolutely not.”

“How did they react when you brought her home?”

“They said ugh, what is that?”

“And was it a struggle to get them to accept your doggy?”

“It definitely was. But I went on holidays for a week, and abandoned the dog with my mother, and when I came back my mother was in love with Ruby, because she could not resist her lovely little charms.”

“I see. And in your opinion, she’s not a silly dog at all, is she?”

“She’s not, she’s cool. And she’s actually very pretty. Some Chinese Crested dogs are ugly, you can look on the internet and see the ugliest dogs in the world, but Ruby is really pretty, and graceful, and lovely...”

“She’s like a little...”

“... and expensive...”

“... skinny rat...”

“Shut up, she is not. She’s not skinny. She’s quite blocky, actually. She’s in marathon training with my mum. They walk, like, 20 K twice a week, and then do regular walks every other day. Ruby is like the fittest dog around. That’s why she’s all muscley. She’s got guns.”

I laugh, and Laura sits forward, away from the microphone. “How am I doing?” she whispers.

“You’re doing very well,” I say.

She nods and sits back, adjusts her feet, and waits for me to continue.

Join us NEXT TIME for the second part of this interview, where Laura talks about Necromancers, feeling protective over Valkyrie, and who SHE would pick- Fletcher or Caelan.