The Laura Interview: Part Two

“Now this is an interesting one," I say. "When it came time for Valkyrie to get a boyfriend, we actually did have a few discussions about it. At first you hated Fletcher- what do you think of him now?"

“Oh I hated him,” Laura nods. “He was irritating and annoying and needy and clingy, everything I’ve always hated about boyfriends. I’m all Team Caelan, like. Bad boy. Cool, mysterious... He has that “oh my God I so shouldn’t be doing this, but I will anyway” kind of thing. And he’s sexy, and he’s...” She pauses. “Fletcher is what is expected. Caelan is what is forbidden.”

“It’s so funny,” she continues, starting to smile, “because whenever you’re talking about Skulduggery not knowing about the Caelan thing, about the level of attraction and, kind of, flirtation that’s going on when he’s not around, I always think of the times when you’ve found out that I haven’t told you something, and you go all quiet. It’s just like that. You write it exactly the same as how you act. You do that scary quiet thing when you get angry.”

“Yes, well, enough about me...”

“What do you mean, enough about you? This whole interview is about you! Finally you get a reason to ask me all this stuff. But okay, back to the question, which was, uh... Fletcher. Yes. I hated Fletcher at the start, I hated his arrogance, I hated the fact that Val fell for him, because I never would have fallen for someone so in love with himself.”

“Has he improved?”

“He’s not as annoying. He’s not as cocky as... no, actually, he’s still as cocky as he ever was.”

“But if you remember,” I say, “in the first two books you seriously did not like Tanith.”

“She annoyed me, too. She was too cocky. She just... You have a habit of writing characters that annoy me, don’t you? Or maybe I’m just intolerant.”

“I think that’s what it is.”

“I think you’re annoying.”

“We really don’t have to go there. But while Tanith finally proved herself to you, Fletcher still hasn’t, has he?”

Laura makes a face. “Ah... He’s saved the day a few times, and he’s been in agony in The Faceless Ones, and he’s come through, so there’s probably not much more he could do to earn my respect. I’m probably just a bit, you know... tough on him.”

“We’ve seen Valkyrie start out as an Elemental and then take up the Necromancer ring- which power would you prefer?”

“Oh, now that’s a question I’ve been struggling with. I’d love to be able to keep the two. With Necromancy, I wouldn’t want to go down that dark path... Well, actually, it’s not so much the dark thing, I’d just hate to be part of the Necromancer Order. I don’t like them. It’s like being in church. I love the scariness of it and I love the coldness and the shadows, and I love all that. I’d love to be able to keep both kinds of powers- it’d be like something out of Captain Planet, where you’d be able to have them all.”

I laugh, impressed that she’s managed to reference one of the worst cartoons of all time.

“I know she has to choose,” Laura continues. “I mean, you obviously know which way she’s going to choose...”

“I don’t actually.”

“Do you not? Could you not make it so that she can have the two, no?”

“Nope. When she gets to 19 or 20, she’s going to have to make a choice.”

“It’s kind of hard. The problem with Necromancy is that it seems to be kind of limited- the shadows can come around and grab the guy and whatever, and that’s it. Whereas with Elemental magic, you give yourself a lot more options, especially because Skulduggery is learning all these new tricks.”

“So if you really had to pick?”

“Oh God... Okay, if you take out the Order, Necromancy. It also just sounds cooler.”

“So how does it feel to know that you served as the inspiration for one of the main characters? Is it weird?”

“It’s not... weird. I mean, when people say that, that I’m the inspiration, it’s... Okay, the personalities are very similar, even when I read it myself I laugh because the comments that she makes are me all over. Especially early on, it was funny, I used to put a little star beside all the things that I’ve actually said to you in real life. There are conversations in there that we’ve actually had. But because it happened- and I’ve actually been thinking about this question- because it happened the way it did- the book was written, you got a deal- it’s just kind of snowballed. So it’s not like if someone turned around and presented me with a book about my life. It’s not like that. It’s something that grew organically. There’s never been one particular day where everything had just changed overnight. Do you understand what I’m saying?”

I go to respond but, in typical Laura fashion, she talks over me and continues. “Not that it doesn’t have the wow factor,” she says. “Obviously it’s cool, when you see little things in the book... I don’t think anyone apart from myself will pick up on all of these little things, but still, it’s nice.” She shrugs. “And you’re my friend, so I’m glad I could be of service.”

“Can you remember how you felt when I first told you I was writing a book about a skeleton detective, and that, basically, the lead female character was inspired by you?”

She looks a little sheepish. “I actually do not remember. Would you believe that? Like, I remember you telling me about the book deal... I was just like, “What? No way. Really?” I actually didn’t get excited about it until after you’d hung up, and I was sitting there in the car and I went, ‘Derek’s got a book deal...’ I couldn’t get my head around it. It came completely out of the blue. You’d told me that a few publishers had been on to your agent, but you were playing it very cool, very low key, you didn’t want anyone to get their hopes up, so I had no idea this was in the pipeline, you know?”

“I really regret telling you on the phone,” I say. “I regret not telling you to come over to the house, because I didn’t get to tell you to your face and see your reaction.”

“I know! It was like... ‘Oh right. No way. Cool.’ You know? I didn’t have the chance to go ‘What? Are you JOKING me?’ But yeah, anyway, that wasn’t the question. See, it was never, ‘hey look, I’ve got this book written, and this character is inspired by you’. It was ‘hey, I’m writing a book, I don’t know if I’ll ever finish it, but...’ Y’know?”

“So when did it hit you, about the deal?”

“It was probably the first time I saw you after that phone call, where it hit me that, wow, this is real, this isn’t a joke. But I don’t think I actually went ‘woah’ until I saw the book. The first time I saw the book on the bookshelf in Easons, I was all-” she changes her voice to a squeal- “‘Oh my God, look, it’s a book, and it’s hardback, that’s so cool...!’ And I can’t believe I just admitted that.

“I remember you were so excited when you showed me the book for the first time, we were both like ‘wooaaahh’. And the new books, you’re always excited about showing me the new books.”

“How much is Valkyrie actually like you?”

She laughs. “Ridiculously so. It’s ridiculous. Do you not think so? Well obviously you do. The conversations that Valkyrie and Skulduggery have, like, I actually sit and laugh because it’s like looking into a mirror at myself, and even the stupid comments, like oh my god, no, rolling the eyes, it’s all there. It’s ridiculous. It’s not how much she’s like me, it’s how much she is me. And even when I proofread the manuscripts, if the dialogue deviates from what I would say then I make you take it out, so by the time it arrives in book form, she is exactly like me. She’s younger, obviously, and I don’t have the magic powers, darn it, but apart from that, yeah. Ridiculous.

“And the times when Val and Skulduggery disagree about something, her reaction is identical to mine. Like, just sit and sulk. Do you know the way she’s like?” Laura folds her arms and proceeds to look very sullen indeed. “This is definitely my reaction. As much as I hate to admit it, I’d sit there and sulk, and you’d go all quiet... It’s funny. Unlike everyone else in the world, when we have an argument, instead of raising our voices, we do the complete opposite, it all goes totally quiet. What is wrong with us?”

“There’s nothing wrong with me.”

“There’s a lot wrong with you.”

“So, skipping over that, do you think you’d react in the same way that Valkyrie does in those situations? Like, the social situations, her interactions with people...”

“Yeah, like, she walks into rooms with Elders and sorcerers and Orders and she’s not daunted, at all, and I’m the same. I’d walk in anywhere, I don’t feel out of place, or intimidated...”

“You’ve always been like that.”

“Yeah.”

“Is there something about you or your life that you wish I hadn't put in the book?”

“God, I hate these questions, because they are all to do with you and how I feel about what you do and what you’re doing... It’s totally unfair how you get to ask me these things.”

“Yes,” I say happily. “I know. There are, obviously, elements of your life that I stay away from, that I don’t include, but in terms of who she is, her personality, you don’t try to get me to write her as super-cool, or super-nice, or super-anything. In fact, you get amazingly embarrassed if I go overboard on any of those things.”

“At the end of the day, if I’m reading it and she says something stupid, and I cringe and go ‘oh my God, I can’t BELIEVE you made me say that’, and it’s like, I’m not saying it, it’s not me, but I still cringe. I just cross out things like that, stupid things I’d never say, or something like poking myself in the eye when I’m applying mascara, like you had in Mortal Coil. I would never do that. I hope you took that out.”

“I did.”

“You had better.”

“I did, I swear.”

“I actually get embarrassed myself, and then I go ‘why am I embarrassed, it’s Valkyrie, it’s not me’, but that’s still the way I look at it. I refuse to let her do stupid things, or... And you remember, in an earlier book, you were going to have her getting dumped?”

“Absolutely. In fact my plan was, by the fourth book, she’d get a boyfriend and then he’d cheat on her. That guy obviously turned out to be Fletcher.”

“Yeah, and he dumps her, and when you told me that, and this was when you were writing the third book, I said no way, there is no chance of her getting dumped. That was a huge thing. It was obviously a part of the story you wanted to tell, but I wouldn’t allow it.”

“It turned out to be a major issue," I say, "because I had introduced Fletcher as this cocky character who was going to break Valkyrie’s heart, and suddenly I had to change my plans completely- and because of that, actually, Fletcher himself changed. He stopped being so arrogant and he developed real feelings for her and I was forced to view him through new eyes.

“It’s like what happened with Tanith- my original plan was to kill her in the first book, but my agent convinced me to keep her alive. So I had to rethink the whole thing, and Tanith became Valkyrie’s big sister, in a way. That wasn’t part of my original plan but I’m really happy it worked out the way it did, the same way I’m happy that Fletcher is so much different to how I’d intended him to be. But getting back to the issue, you were just not prepared to accept her being cheated on.”

“No,” Laura says, “no way. Because that makes her a victim. And Val is not and never will be a victim.”

“Is that because you are never the victim?”

“Yes.”

“And is that because no guy would ever cheat on you?”

“Exactly,” she says, completely matter-of-factly, “and if they did they wouldn’t be alive.”

“Okay,” I nod. “Okay. Kind of scary. So would it be right to say that you feel protective over her?”

“In a sense, protective is the wrong word, but the thought of someone cheating on her that time, it was ‘no, that’s not going to happen’. I think... I wouldn’t let you do something to her that I didn’t like. I’m not talking about people attacking her or anything, but someone cheating on her, no, that’s not going to happen. She says something stupid, no, not going to happen. I like the way when someone says something smart to her, she has a smart answer back. If she didn’t, yeah, I’d be offended.”

“So basically, you would be protective of her dignity. The core of the character itself. You don’t want that-“

“-to veer off,” Laura finishes, “and become something weak and false. No. Not going to happen.”

“Is there any aspect of your personality that, if I did write it into the books, you’d tell me to take out?”

“No. No, I’m fairly confident in who I am, and you’ve kept to that really closely. That’s what makes Valkyrie so good, it’s because she’s real. She’s not perfect, but she’s real. The same with Skulduggery. He’s you. You’re not making up stuff, it’s not fiction, this side of things. That’s why it’s so easy, like, that’s why it comes across as so natural.”

“Yeah,” I say, “yeah, the, uh, the...”

She watches me while I try to figure out what I want to say.

“That’s shut you up, hasn’t it?” she asks.

“It has, kind of, yeah.”

“Go on, next question.”

“You don’t tell me what to do.”

“Ask me the next question or I will kick you in the head.”

“Yes dear.”

Join us NEXT TIME for the third part of this interview, when Laura talks about all the things she makes me change in the early drafts of the books, why she doesn’t find me funny, and how many bones she’s broken while riding horses (hint: it’s a LOT).

The Laura Interview: Part One

Welcome, Minions, to the Blog Event of the Decade. Thanks to you and your votes and your enthusiasm, the notoriously reclusive Laura has agreed to let me interview her tonight- her first interview EVER. We shall be gentle.

“Laura, welcome to your first interview. It’s okay to admit that you’re nervous.”

She raises an eyebrow as she sprawls back, trying to get comfortable in the most uncomfortable of chairs. She eventually manages it by putting one foot up on the arm of my chair, the other foot lying across my left knee. She’s wearing unusual shoes.

“Continue,” she says.

“The first question is, I think, hugely important, and possibly the number one question the readers of this blog want answered: Do you possess a black coat?”

“Yes, I do,” she says. “It’s leather.”

We look at each other, and I get a sudden flash of fear that maybe all her answers will be that short, therefore making this the most awful interview ever. Oh dear God. I press on, refusing to let my enthusiasm dim.

“Before we get into the more complex questions,” I say, “let’s sort out a few things. Which Skulduggery book is your favourite?”

“Oh God,” she says. “I don’t know the names of them.”

I stare at her. “What?”

“I don’t,” she insists. “I think it comes from reading the books before they’re actually published, so they all kind of become this one big blur... Do you know what I mean?”

“Um,” I say. “Well, okay, I suppose it doesn’t help that when you do read them, I usually don’t even have a title ready.”

“Exactly. I know each of the books, obviously, it’s just I don’t know what the titles are.”

“Okay, so titles aside, which one is your favourite?”

I look at her. She looks at me. Eight seconds pass.

I lean closer, my voice dropping to a whisper. “Please say you like the books.”

“I love the books,” she assures me, laughing, “I love the books. Which one is my favourite?” She pauses again. “Which one has Paddy in it? The third one.”

“The Faceless Ones.”

“That’s it. I liked that one. I thought it was amazingly clever.”

“It was amazingly clever,” I nod.

“It was. The story was brilliant, and the fight scenes were fantastic.” She shifts in her chair, adjusting her feet.

“You’re wearing wonderful slipper type things,” I say. “They’re... what are they? They’re not slippers, they’re not boots...”

“They’re bootie slippers,” she grins.

“They’re pink. And they have bobbles.”

“They’re tassels, and they’re not pink. They’re pink and grey, and they’re very... festive.”

“And they’re very, very, very... dirty.”

She laughs again. “They’re my outdoor slippers.”

“Where do you wear these?”

“Outdoors.”

“Like... in nightclubs, or...?”

“Nooo... Like, when I’m at home, and it’s dry outside, I don’t mind going out to the car or something. I won’t go out when it’s been raining or I’ll get, you know... wet feet.”

“They’re so cute.”

“And Ruby has pulled the tassels off the right one, so I only have tassels on the left one.”

“Aww, the bobbles.”

“They’re tassels.”

“Tassels, sorry. But they have little bobble things at the ends.”

“They’re tassels.”

“Yes dear,” I say. “Sorry dear. Okay, next question, let’s see... Who is your favourite hero?”

She practically winces. “I hate the word hero.”

“Well, you prefer it to good guy.”

“Yeah, I do.”

“Alright then- who is your favourite character on the side of good?”

“China,” she says without hesitation. “I love her attitude. I love how she doesn’t care about anyone, I love how superior she is. I think she’s fantastic. And she’s so pretty!”

“She is pretty. Okay, your favourite character on the bad side.”

“Oh, it has to be Billy-Ray.”

“Really?”

“Billy-Ray all the way.”

“Any particular reason?”

“Well... he’s not annoying. I love the banter he has with Val when he pops up, it’s like he has to have a little conversation before he actually attacks anyone. I just think he’s really cool, and with his attitude he’s like a twisted version of China. He’s been my favourite from the start.”

“Unlike the other supposedly ‘annoying’ bad guys? Such as?”

“Oh God... Team Zombie.”

“So you’re not a fan of Scapegrace or Thrasher?”

“I just don’t find them funny.”

“You have no soul. Which villain would you least like to go up against?”

“Ohhh... I should have studied before I came. Em... Let me think about it... Oh, I know who it is.” She looks at me, and nods, and clicks her fingers. Ten seconds pass. “Oh God, what’s his name? The assassin from Mortal Coil.”

I raise an eyebrow. “And why is that?”

“Because I just picture this huge Russian, like the kind you see in the movies. And I love those movies about hitmen, I just think they’re awesome. Yeah, I’d definitely hate to go up against him. He seems to have all the angles covered. No matter what happens, no matter what Skulduggery does, even when things go wrong, he’s just like “oh I have to react” and bam. You’re dead. So he’s the one I’d least like to go up against, but the one that weirds me out the most is the... I’m so bad at names... the spider one...”

“The Torment.”

“Awww he makes me sick. Every time I think of him I think of cats coughing up furballs, you know? Except it’s spiders. I’m not scared of spiders. Like, spiders don’t bother me in the house, it’s just that ugh, they come out of his mouth. It’s like that X-Files episode, where your man is eating the cornflakes, and all of a sudden the cornflakes turn into worms, and he’s spitting them all out. Bleurgh.”

“What kind of books did you read when you were Valkyrie’s age?”

She ponders. “Em... I was a big, huge, gigantic fan of Phillip Pullman. He’s brilliant. I thought they were better than Harry Potter. I was so disappointed with the film. Gutted. But the books were brilliant.”

“He’s a very smart man. Very tall man, too.”

“Is he? Have you met him?”

“Once, in Italy. I was just introduced to him, I shook hands with him, and my mind went completely blank.”

“Were you awestruck, were you? Ah, he’s brilliant. So smart.” Her phone lights up, and she looks at it, and starts tapping. “I’m just going to send a text. You can work on your next question.”

“Oh, right. Uh, thanks. I might also include, in this interview, a little something about all the conversations we’ve had over the years that are interrupted by you sending a text message, or taking a call.”

“Yeah?” she says, without looking up.

“I think so.”

“Are you going to complain about it? Are you going to whine and moan?”

“Maybe a little. Because I can. And unlike every other aspect of my life, when I whine and moan here, people will actually care.”

“Oh yeah,” she says absently, “true.”

I sit there for another thirty seconds. “Oh my God, how long does that take?”

“Oh stop,” she sighs. “Since I started this touch screen thing it takes me ages. Okay, go for it.” She puts down the phone. “Ask me another question.”

“Okay... name me a few of your favourite movies.”

“Shawshank Redemption. Eh... Seven. Training Day. I’m just trying to think of films I can watch over and over again and don’t get fed up watching them. Michael Collins.”

“Really?”

“Yep. Eh... The Matrix. First one, none of the others. The Bourne movies. God, I love the Bourne movies. Should I throw in a girly one?”

“Do you have a girly one?”

She laughs. “Not really. No, actually, I do, I have two, from when I was really young. Pretty Woman and Coyote Ugly.”

“My God, you watched some seriously inappropriate films when you were a kid.”

“I really, really did. Ask me another question.”

“Okay, who do you listen to most on your iPod?”

“Muse. Straight up.”

“Wow, that was pretty definite. And you had the chance to see them live in concert a few weeks ago.”

“Ah, stop the lights. I was so sick that weekend. I couldn’t do anything that whole week. And then it absolutely lashed rain all weekend. I mean, give me a break, you know? I work in the rain so I was, like, I am not going to spend my weekend in the rain. No way.”

“Do you play any instruments?”

“No. I used to play the guitar.”

“Were you good?”

“Middling.”

“What was your favourite type of music to play?”

“Anything I could sing along to. Green Day, U2, Jeff Buckley, even though I couldn’t sing along to Jeff Buckley because he’s so difficult to sing to, but I’d give it a go... A little Nirvana every now and then.”

“Tell the nice people about your dog.”

“Aw, my dog is awesomely cool.”

“And her name is?”

“Ruby.”

“And what is she?”

“She’s a Chinese Crested.”

“And does she look like the picture I posted on the Blog?”

“She definitely doesn’t. She looks way cooler than that.”

“She’s got no hair...”

“Okay, she’s got big ears-”

“Big fluffy ears.”

“She’s got big ears, no hair, she’s got booties... She does tricks.”

“Oh yeah, she turns around.”

“She doesn’t ‘turn around’, Derek, she does a twirl.”

“She poos on my floor.”

“She did that once, and she was a puppy. It was her first time in your house and she was just... marking her spot. She sits. She does high fives. She does twirls, she bows, she stays...”

“She stays? Is that a trick? Is ‘not moving’ a trick?”

“Shut up. She’s very clever.”

“How long have you had her?”

“She will be two in September.”

“And did your parents know you were buying a little doggy?”

“Absolutely not.”

“How did they react when you brought her home?”

“They said ugh, what is that?”

“And was it a struggle to get them to accept your doggy?”

“It definitely was. But I went on holidays for a week, and abandoned the dog with my mother, and when I came back my mother was in love with Ruby, because she could not resist her lovely little charms.”

“I see. And in your opinion, she’s not a silly dog at all, is she?”

“She’s not, she’s cool. And she’s actually very pretty. Some Chinese Crested dogs are ugly, you can look on the internet and see the ugliest dogs in the world, but Ruby is really pretty, and graceful, and lovely...”

“She’s like a little...”

“... and expensive...”

“... skinny rat...”

“Shut up, she is not. She’s not skinny. She’s quite blocky, actually. She’s in marathon training with my mum. They walk, like, 20 K twice a week, and then do regular walks every other day. Ruby is like the fittest dog around. That’s why she’s all muscley. She’s got guns.”

I laugh, and Laura sits forward, away from the microphone. “How am I doing?” she whispers.

“You’re doing very well,” I say.

She nods and sits back, adjusts her feet, and waits for me to continue.

Join us NEXT TIME for the second part of this interview, where Laura talks about Necromancers, feeling protective over Valkyrie, and who SHE would pick- Fletcher or Caelan.

Job Done

And the interview is done, and it was FUN.

I'll type up the first section on Saturday, and hopefully get it posted before Sunday. Thanks to everyone who suggested questions- I found out some things that even I didn't know...

You have all surpassed yourselves. Your Golden God is impressed, Minions.

Ruby

For those of you who were wondering, this is Laura's dog, Ruby.

A Call for Questions...

Laura has just left my house, taking her hilariously rubbish dog with her. She really had no choice but to give in, and so we're going to do the interview in stages over the next week or so, posting it here after every stage.

A lot of you have already posted a few questions in the previous comment section, and I'll be including the best of those in the interview, but if the rest of you have questions burning inside, now is the time to let me know. The comment section to THIS post, therefore, will PURELY consist of your question suggestions.

I just want to say well done to all of you for impressing her. I've been trying for years and I still haven't quite managed it...!

A Call To Arms!

ATTENTION MINIONS!

I need your help! I need at LEAST two hundred replies, from as many of you as possible, to this post before tomorrow. If I get that, then Laura- the REAL Valkyrie Cain- has agreed to do an interview about what it means to be the basis for such an awesome character!

TWO HUNDRED REPLIES, my Ninja Leprechauns! Get to it!

Ramble On...

You may be wondering why I haven’t written any new entries for this accursed Blog in a while. The answer is simple- I’m not doing anything worth blogging about.

Yes, in any given month, my life is non-stop adventure and excitement- but immediately after finishing a book, I tend to... meander. I walk around my house. I watch movies and play video games. I go for drives. I buy things I don’t need and wonder where to put them once I have them. I go out, talk to friends, do interviews and generally spread the joy of being me. And then I come home again, sit in front of this computer and wait there, confused. It takes a while each time to remember the book is written, and I can be doing other things.

Not writing a book is unsettling. I don’t know how people manage.

I finished the next-to-last edits on Mortal Coil a week or so ago. The only thing I have left to do is wait for the finished manuscript to arrive, where the pages are laid out exactly like they’ll be in the book, and make sure there aren’t any mistakes. There are ALWAYS mistakes, and most of the time I completely miss them and they work their way into the finished book. But hey, at least I try.

There’s going to be a competition launched in a week or so, open to UK and Ireland residents only, I’m afraid, so a lot of my time has been taken up with that. I can’t tell you what it is just yet- you’re just going to have to be patient.

Good God I’m bored.

I don’t know what to do with my time! I need a break, I need to recharge, but I don’t know HOW, and I’m trying to decide if I should go straight into Book Six or take a few months off and do something completely different. You see, if I get Book Six finished this year, then I’ll have all of 2011 free to work on something new, so... so... Arghhhh...

Your golden god is conflicted, minions. His brilliant mind is tormented. His brain is a vast city, illuminated  by thoughts and ideas that flash like lightning across the dark skies, then fall as rain and splash into puddles in the side streets of his consciousness. Or something.

He should probably go read a book.

Take care minions. Until next time...

(This rambling Blog entry has been brought to you by Bioshock 2, the videogame, and three nights of being unable to sleep.)