Wednesday, January 27, 2010

New Arrivals

I am an uncle.

I do not know why I have been chosen to be an uncle, but the Fates have decided that it is a title I needed, and so they have furnished me with a set of nieces. From the photograph, the nieces look fine, if a bit pink and splodgy. My sister is happy and her husband is confused, but then he is always confused.

(I know you’re reading this, Will, and I don’t care.)

I have tried, oh how I have tried, to impress upon them the need for names that will inspire awe, respect, and fear in those around them. Long have I struggled to make them understand that the names Derekina and Dereketta are perfectly valid names for girls, and any set of twins would be lucky to have them. When these suggestions were shot down, I brought out the proverbial big guns.

“Valkyrie,” I said. “And Tanith.”

My sister looked at me, shaking her head, unwilling to even contemplate the greatness these names would bestow. Her husband looked at me, bewildered, for that is his natural state, and he does it well.

(I told you I do not CARE, Will.)

I think “Valkyrie” is a wonderful name for a girl. What girl out there wouldn't like to be called this? It is truly impressive, and would spur the owner of the name to feats of heroism and bravery in the face of insurmountable odds. My sister claimed that the only reason I wanted the twins named thusly was because I saw a chance for a set of living, breathing advertisements for my books. This is not wholly untrue, but it was marginally hurtful.

I assure you, dear blog reader, that if the twins had been a set of boys, I would have been equally voracious about my attempts to have them named “Skulduggery” and “Ghastly”, for that is my level of dedication to my work.

I informed my agent of the joyous news regarding the pink splodgy babies, and she remarked how life may well begin to imitate rather well-written art- providing my younger sister has a baby girl in a few months time. Then THAT girl would grow up, like Valkyrie, with a set of twins for cousins and a writer for an uncle. Could she be destined for greatness? Could she have a dark and mysterious path to follow? Am I going to be murdered, only to return to the story as a slightly annoying recording somewhere?


Personally, I think my younger sister is going to have a boy. In fact, even if she has a girl, I will treat the child like a boy until the child is fourteen, at which time I shall pretend she is invisible, just to see how that affects her mind. It should be funny, at the very least.

The names, by the way, for the twins. Rebecca and Emily. Lovely names. They’ll grow up adoring me, which is only right.

I leave now, with the news that the twins are not the only additions to the Landy clan. Tomorrow I shall be picking up two Staffordshire Bull Terriers from the Pound. They are aged nine and eleven, both so old and arthritic they can barely move. I simply do not know why I am adopting these completely useless dogs. Could they defend the house from burglars? Only if the burglars move really, really slowly, and were afraid of being licked to death. The older one is so arthritic her front legs are literally turned inwards, so she trips herself up when she walks. Amusing.

Their names, by the way, were not chosen by me. The nine year old is Sherlock. A fine name. The eleven year old is Mable. I am seriously considering changing it to Murder, or Madhead, in a vain effort not to appear to be a ninety year old woman. 


Anonymous said...

Can you tell us about the 'Blog List' on the right side of the page?

Jessica said...

Congratulations on the splodgy twin nieces who will doubtlessly grow up to adore their famous uncle.
Kudos on the doggie adoptions. BTW - You might consider Mayhem or Moriarty as potential names to replace Mable, as well!

Sugar Loving Otaku said...

oh sweet splotchy twins!! maaaaaaaaaybe you can use Gordon as your model for an uncle. then maybe the girls will consider being called Valkyrie and Tanith.

Nerdy Skeleton said...

Valkyrie and Tanith could be the girls' taken names! How *perfect* is this?! I sometimes amaze myself at the genius I am (except in math class, I'm dumb as a rock there)

I'm now secretly rooting for some creeper to sneak into your house, and murder you, so then your amazing niece will barge in and save the day with her (incredibly) egotistical mentor! SCORE.

And yay on the dogs. You're doing a kind deed for once, huh? My poor deceased cat was really fat, so whenever he'd go up and down the stairs, he'd waddle. It was especially funny to watch him go down the stairs, since his big cat butt would swing a lot...Sorry, enough descriptions of my old fat cat.

Anyways, I guess a congratulations (?) on your uncle-ism is in order! Babies are cute, though gross they may be.

(And tell Will that *I* care!)

Lillian Faye said...

Congrats on the twinniess, even if they are indead splodgy. Im sure they will grow up and you will find them little horrors even if you adore them greatly so, good luck with that.

If you are adopting two old dogs, what happens if you get really attached to them and they die, soonish rather than later? Wouldn't that be extremly upseting? Or just bad luck?

Well anywho, good luck with the new-coming Landy's.


Unknown said...

Whats this Derek?
A whole post with no complaints about blogging?
Have you finally accepted you are doomed to be haunted by these messages?


Vikki said...

Y'know what, I think you'll be an amazing Uncle. I think I am slightly jealous :)

Louis Lloyd-Besson said...

dident think you got my outher copy of this comment so here goes

cant afford to get a blog your holiness or noodlyness or cheesyness i ask your wisdom of how to get rich quick and i want to no if asking you for money is a sin well any way ples come 2 brisbane in aus on your tour and if you dont i will let the cheese in my fridge mould and mould more so you can never eat it mwah ha ha. i will also eat the spagetti and meat balls as a tribut to his noodlyness, rite beside you The Great Flying spagetti monster and my fellow pastafarians so that i will have tot sinned by letting the cheese mould, ha ha ha got you there havent i. well ciao for now and iif you dont come to brizzie youl be hearing the screams of innocent cheese going mouldy and then ounce fully mouldy being fed to my dog sheel eat anything MWAHAHAHAHAAH(Pause for air intake)WAHAAHHAAHAAAAHAHAAHAHAAAAMWAHAHAHAHAAH(Pause for air intake)WAHAAHHAAHAAAAHAHAAHAHAAAAMWAHAHAHAHAAH(Pause for air intake)WAHAAHHAAHAAAAHAHAAHAHAAAAMWAHAHAHAHAAH(Pause for air intake)WAHAAHHAAHAAAAHAHAAHAHAAAAMWAHAHAHAHAAH(Pause for air intake)WAHAAHHAAHAAAAHAHAAHAHAAAAMWAHAHAHAHAAH(Pause for air intake)WAHAAHHAAHAAAAHAHAAHAHAAAAMWAHAHAHAHAAH(Pause for air intake)WAHAAHHAAHAAAAHAHAAHAHAAAAMWAHAHAHAHAAH(Pause for air intake)WAHAAHHAAHAAAAHAHAAHAHAAAAMWAHAHAHAHAAH(Pause for air intake)WAHAAHHAAHAAAAHAHAAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!! Finneshes with seizure


Billy the Hatter said...

Congrats on your uncleness. But, if the you-being-killed-by-something-evil-and-your-nieces-saving-the-day-thing, would indeed happen, wouldn't there have to be someone like Skulduggery also? Someone highly egoistical, slihgtly creepy and greatly awesome? Because that would make me so jealous...
And cheers for the dogs, even though my cats are more awesome (though their weirdness kinda balances that out.)

Ten. Hang said...

Congratulations, Mr. Landy.

And, of course, you shouldn't worry about being murdered by an insane, yet interesting (YES, Serpine was my favorite villain) man with dark hair and green eyes.

My coin has dropped now. DOES THIS MEAN that you know a living skeleton? This would also mean that your family has magic running in it. You should practice your fireballs, Mr. Landy...

Meh. My train of thought has just reached lightspeed.


Anonymous said...

your not self obsessed... at all...
u should be nicer to your pink sploddgie baby neices, im sure they resemble you in some way or another.... well.and rebecca is a nice name(i only say that coz its my name, but im sure she will later want to be called valkyrie or tanith just to satisfy your need for starnge names) mable is a nice name for an old shaky dog, calling it something like monsteraunt is sort anticlimatic if say a robber was robbing your house when he met her. Oh no, this evil dog will bite me!!! and then she falls over as you put it. slightly out of proportion.
Your compassion still never fails to astound... ever

Unknown said...

Hello, How are you? I am writing firstly to practise writing letters without ending up shouting at the recipient (normally an examiner) and secondly to ask an extremely important question: What would happen if, at age 14, your currently hypothetical younger neice decided, after years of torment, to merely murder you and spare herself the annoyance of seeing you again? I personally feel that this is what i would do, were i ever thrown headlong into such a situation. They say keep your friends close and your enemies closer, Mr. Landy, but the way i see it, if you just sit in a room full of snacks, you should be fine. Have a pleasant day and best wishes to your neices and their soon-to-be-born cousin :)

Anonymous said...

Maybe you should rename Mabel as Macavity! That would be awesome. Congrats on the twins (you didn't persuade your sister to call them Carol and Crystal then?

Unknown said...

Hi, to be blunt, i'm writing to say that if you don't want people to laugh at you I think you should reconsider calling Mable 'Madhead' or 'Murder'. It's wrong. You can't call an eleven year old, arthritic Staffordshire Bull Terrier, 'Murder'. Can you imagine yourself walking her and you call out 'murder!' only to have her limp over, pitifully dragging a twig behind her? You would BOTH look ridiculous. Was it not you who wrote about the importance of chosing the correct name? "The name you take should fit you, define you, and already be known to you" (Skulduggery Pleasant, pg 209) She can't choose her own name. You must do it for her and you want to call her 'Madhead'? Your better than this, Mr Landy.
However, on an entirely different subject... congrats on the new clan members! (personally, i dislike children because of their small, sticky fingers and general manky-ness, but i'm sure these ones are adorable...i felt wrong even writing that)
Anywho, have a pleasant day, as my good friend, tass, would sign off. :P

Unknown said...

CONGRATS DEREK! (Can i call you Derek? or do you prefer Mr Landy?) Anyway congrats on being uncle. I'm already an Aunty muhahahaha. Babies are so cute, I love little kids!! Oh and you can't call the dog "Murder" or "Madhead" what would the neighbours think???:O your other niece should be called "Valkyrie" persuade your other sister to call her that. anyway i think I'm rambling. So I shall go now but i leave you with this message: Cats are better than dogs. I used to have four cats, but they all died I'm now onto the fifth cat. Anywhooo I must go.
Sayanara Derek

Beth said...

brilliant id love to have a bull dog alled sherlock, just like in the movie which is awsome lol

congart on the twins...........yer

oh you MUST me like gordon if you are to be an uncle, you have no choose in the matter :D

Skulduggery Skellington said...

Ha ha! That would have been brillient to name them Valkyrie and Tanith and like wise with Skulduggery and Ghastly but hey we all can't get what we want. :3

Congrats though they are both beautiful names.

Rhos Reviews said...

hahahaha, what a funny blog! Great news Derek, ibut i kinda hope the twins don't gorw up to be like the toxic twins, carol and crystal...Valkyrie as a name though....perfect. Im sure the next generation of kids will be all called either Valkyrie, Tanith or even China...and the rest, Skulduggery's, Ghastly's and Bliss's.

awww, hope the two dogs are well, hmm, seeing as one is called Sherlock the other has to undoubtly be called Watson? what do you think?
haha, hmm, interesting thoery've actually just wrote the future and therefor predicted your death as Uncle Derek/gordon...i hope you're happy with yourself!!
any news on how Dark Day's is coming on???

Little Yoda said...

Congratulations on becoming an uncle. I'm sure you'll be a wonderful uncle. They'll hang on your every word as you tell them stories of murder and mayhem :)

Hope the new dogs are cool. Why not call one Moriarty. It would go well with Sherlock :0

Love the blog, it is brilliantly written :)

will said...

I'm confused by your comments,Derek.
Of course, is it pointless to attempt an explanation of my confusion, as i have no doubt that you will screen this e-mail and edit it in order to enhance your greatness. as such, i shall say nothing, and all in less than fifty words!

Rachel said...

Twins! Your sisters life is now going to be controlled by them. And yours may be as well. My twin brother and I still torment my uncle to no end.I warn you now, NEVER! buy them matching clothes. Your sister may try but you must not.(unless their capes, that would be fine)

Anonymous said...

Eww I cant stand splodges. You might want to watch your back DL... dont wanna end up like Gordon now do we?
If you want the twins to have different names just call them Tanith and Valkyrie all the time so they grow used to it. Once they get a bit older it will stick like glue and they'll insist on being called it all the time :)
Sherlock is an awesome name for a dog. If you rename Mabel (which you shouldnt, the name does kinda suit your personality) call her Baskerville or Holmes... something cheesy like that. My two dogs are called Misery and Mayhem, which are also awesome dog names.
Speaking of changing names... on DeviantArt I think you should know that Ghastlys name has been changed from Ghastly Bespoke to Hottie Bespoke :D So youre gonna have to get used to it.
Have fun with the splodges,
(One for Spodge 1, another for Sherlock, the big X is for you, the fourth for Mabel and a final one for Splodge 2)

Lemony Good said...

Derek, if and when I have a daughter I am naming her Tanith.

Octa said...

I am an egg.

Octa said...

*stalks Derek on twitter*

Octa said...

Oh my goodness.

You are an egg too.

Octa said...

Let's be best friends!

I know, I know you probably weren't egg-specting that.

Octa said...


Octa said...

Achievement completed.

The Grave of a Coward said...

This blog post has been documented, recorded, and filed into the Blogland Archive on December 8, 2014.

Jai (Silente Tempest - St Of Sinners) said...

I rather think Tanith would be a good baby name.