Thursday, November 10, 2011

Derek's Great Adventure

Last night I had a thrilling escape.

Oh you should've been there. There was shouting and wailing and weeping, and violence! Oh so much violence! There was a knife involved, and a hammer, and it was all very dramatic. What started out as a normal night in changed in the blink of an eye, and suddenly I was trapped, with no way out.

Over the past few weeks, I've been having some work done to the house. One of these little jobs is to have all of the inside doors replaced- because they were old-fashioned, apparently. (They didn't look old-fashioned to me, to be perfectly honest. They pretty much looked like doors. I didn't even KNOW doors could look old-fashioned. But there you go.)

Anyway, so the carpenters spent the whole day fitting these new doors. They put the hinges on, set the doors into the door frames, put in the locks and latches. The only thing they didn't do was put the actual door HANDLES in. Which was fine. They were going to do that first thing in the morning. The only thing I had to be careful of was not let any of the doors actually CLOSE. No problem, thought I.

I was heading to bed at about three that night. I gave the doggies their usual scratch behind the ears at bedtime and left them in the dark kitchen. Next I went looking for the cats with a can of air freshener (the only thing that will convince the cats to leave the house at night is when I spray an aerosol can nearby. Otherwise they'll just look at me while I'm trying to herd them out, and not actually move). I got the first two cats to leave, but the Mammy Cat was in her usual place, sitting on my chair in my office. She's really taken to this chair. Every day it's a struggle to be the one to sit in it- and the problem is compounded by the fact that she's sneakier than I am. She'll stand on the desk, watching me, and then she'll usually knock something over. After I've picked it up I'll look around and she'll be curled up on my chair with this insanely smug cat-expression on her cat-face. It's gotten so bad I'm seriously considering buying a second chair, just for her.

But I digress.

So, the Mammy Cat is in my office. I close the door over- careful not to close it fully- and open the window. I look at the Mammy Cat. I know she knows what this means. I know she knows I have the aerosol can. I know she knows the door is closed over so there's no escape. I hold up the can. She glares at me through slitted eyes. I shake the can. Reluctantly, she stands, and stretches. She moves from the chair onto the desk, up onto the printer to the window-sill.

"Good girl," I say.

She looks at me. Then the VERY slight breeze wafts in through the window and the door behind me clicks shut. I freeze, my eyes wide. The Mammy Cat gives a cat-smirk, and vanishes into the night.

I turn to the door. "Oh no," I say. "Oh no no no." I dig my finger into the hole burrowed for the handle to go in, and try and pull the door open. No chance. I take out my pen-knife, slide it through and try to unlatch the latch. No luck. I have a screwdriver in my office, so I push that into the handle-hole and try to use the screwdriver itself as a handle. Not a hope.

I stare at the door. "Oh dear God."

I look at the window. It's pretty narrow and it's pretty high up, but I'm relatively sure I can clamber up and squeeze through. But then what? I've just locked up. Every door in the place is locked, and all the keys are still IN the locks. Even if I got out the window, there would be no way back in.

I stare at the door. This is becoming a situation. This is becoming serious. I am actually trapped in my office, with no way out.

(This is when the shouting and wailing and weeping occurred. The violence will occur soon.)

I spend the next twenty minutes trying to open the door using my pen-knife and the screwdriver. I've seen the movies where the hero slides a credit card between the door and the doorframe and unlocks it, so I even try that. But apparently my door is cash only, because my credit card isn't accepted and so is returned- kind of sheepishly- to my wallet.

I have to break down the door. I have to.

The idea fills me with a strange sort of glee.

I've never broken down a door before. I've written about it, but I've never actually done it.

I'm going to kick it down. That's what I'm going to do. I grin, take a step back, and get ready. This is going to be AWESOME.

But then I remember that the door opens INWARDS. So if I DID kick it down, it would splinter the doorframe. And while replacing the door wouldn't be a problem, replacing the door-FRAME would be slightly more of an issue.

My grin fades. Whatever I do, I can't damage the frame. Which means I literally have to make a hole in the door so that I can dismantle the lock/latch mechanism by simply pulling it out.

I look around my office. There are all the usual things you'd find in an office. Pens. Paper. A computer. Strange-looking lamps. A scarf. A phone. A filing cabinet. Books. Comics. A board game. And then I see it, resting on one of the shelves. A hammer.

The grin returns to my face. I'm going to bust open my door using a hammer. This night is AWESOME.

I return to the door, hammer in hand. I spend a few seconds  going over all the possibilities. I'm going to feel pretty silly in the morning if I've wrecked the door and there was an easy way out all along. But I'm pretty sure there isn't. I'm pretty sure I don't have a choice.

So I swing.

Oh, it is glorious, the swinging. The hammer makes a big dent on impact. I swing again, and the wood cracks. I swing again, and again, and suddenly I'm through. I can see the hall. This is going to work.

And so, I demolish the door. With each swing the intensity grows. The wood splinters and cracks and falls away and still I swing, harder and harder, reveling in the violence. Battered holes in the door join up to make bigger holes. The impacts ring in my ears. I can see the lock mechanism but I have to make the hole bigger. Much bigger. Laughing, I continue my attack. The door doesn't stand a chance.

"Think you're so tough?" I almost rant. "Think you're such a tough door? Look at you now! I'm breaking you apart! I could stick my head all the way through you and shout "Heeeeeeere's Johnny!' You are NOTHING to me! I am victorious! You are NOTHING!"

The door doesn't stand a chance. By the time my bloodlust has abated, pieces of the door are scattered all over the hall floor. I rip out the lock mechanism and pull open the door and laugh. LAUGH, I tell you.

"Is that it?" I almost cry. "Is that the best you've got? Is there no one on this Earth to even CHALLENGE  me? Come! Kneel before me! Kneel before the Golden God!"

Silence echoes around the house. The house fears me. The house SHOULD fear me. For I am a great and terrible God.




This morning the carpenters came back. They looked at the door, at the mess on the floor, and frowned. "Did... did we leave it like this?" they asked.

I hesitated only a moment. "Yes," I said. "Very sloppy work, gentlemen. Very sloppy work indeed."

And I walked away.

5,000 comments:

1 – 200 of 5000   Newer›   Newest»
MysticScraper said...

Great story...hahah! First.

skulduggeryaddict said...

HAHHAHHAHAHHHAHAHHAAH!!!!!!!!! sooo funny :)

Reginald Barris said...

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

I honestly laughed that hard, out loud at that final line.
This is hilarious, and brilliant. And now I want to smash a door.
Thank you for making my boring assignment filled night, excellent.

:)

Reginald Barris said...

Wow, I have.. never got this close to the top before.

Hello to Derek, and hello to everyone.
Long time reader of the blog, hardly never commented, but absolutely love everything about your books and the people on this blog.

Thanks for being a fantastic writer.

www.writingandallthatentrails.blogspot.com
And there's a shameless self-plug.

MysticScraper said...

It was such a funny story....I don't know if it's real or not, but it's hilarious! Great job!

Katrin said...

If you buy your cat an extra chair, she will still sit in yours. That's what my cat does. She has her own little bed (a cute painted doll bed from Ikea, even with a handmade quilt) but she sleeps on my blanket every night. And she snores.

AmandaCYT said...

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!! I have never read a funnier blog post. Derek, you're awesome. You better be coming down to Malaysia/Singapore before I go to your house, a hammer in hand...

Kribu said...

*would roll on the floor laughing if there was enough floor space to roll on*

Er, yes. Not that I'm laughing at the terrible, if temporary, loss of freedom, or the daring, ingenious escape, of course. Because I'd never do that.

And a second chair for the cat is a good idea, in theory. At least then when the cat sits in the main chair, there's another chair for you to sit in. Of course, I currently have two extra chairs/stools next to my desk, for the cat to sleep on, and no matter how many times I place her on one of those, I always find her in my lap some time later.

MissAriannaDark said...

Evil door XD
I wish something of excitement would happen to me :P

Dantea Dredkin said...

Hahaha. Can't tell you how many times thats happened to me.

Lilly said...

xD very cool.
Poor door, but it shouldn't mess with the Golden God :3

Digiconspiracy said...

That was AMAZING. Seriously, I'm grinning and I'm trying to stop because I'm in the Work Room and people are looking at me strangely.
EXCELLENT escape method. When all else fails, grab a hammer and break down the door. Brilliant.

I got locked in my room once, but that was my evil brother. He locked the door on the other side, and then left. For four hours. I was forced to jump out of the window. It was mildly awesome.

Also, I feel your pain wit the cat chair problem. But there is NO POINT in buying another chair. If you buy it for the cat, she will not use it. If you buy one for yourself and concede the current chair, she will abandon it and steal whichever one you want to sit in.

Once again, AWESOME job on a most excellent escape. I have to go now because the teachers keep glancing at me and I feel I should run away before they come over here.

Dantea Dredkin said...

What Every Aspiring Author Needs To Know: Some of the greatest writing advice I've ever gotten.

http://www.goodreads.com/author/show/10746.Jim_Butcher/blog

Lilie said...

my friends and I where laughing our heads off!!!!

Thalia Jane - Blogland Detective said...

That. Was. Awesome.

Derek, you should write a book all about your wacky adventures with doors and hammers and cats. I'd buy it. I'd buy it and read it over and over and over. I think you should write that book.

Thalia Jane - Blogland Detective said...

Now I have to go get my stuff ready for school.

Delayed starts don't last forever.

*pouts and trudges off*

Kribu said...

Ooh, thanks for that link, Dantea. It's not so much that Butcher says something new there, but he puts it well, and concisely, and clearly.

Iain said...

Natures way of saying: Always carry a spare handle with you!

Lilie said...

I must aggre, always carry a spare handle with you!

Kribu said...

It has to fit the door though. Imagine the hair-pulling if you brandish, with a flourish, the door handle that you always carry with you, and it... doesn't fit.

Derek Landy said...

Bah! Some Minions doubt that my adventures are as exciting as I make out!

Blog Entry- Now With PHOTOGRAPHIC EVIDENCE!!

Lilie said...

THATS A BIG HOLE!!!

Kribu said...

That is one very thoroughly killed door. *bows*

And hmm. I suppose the moral of this story is "always keep a hammer in your office". *goes off to look for a hammer*

Theatregirl40 said...

O.o Wow! I've always wanted to destroy a door.

Well, not always...But ever since I read Skulduggery Pleasant I have.

My mom looked at the blogpost over me shoulder and said that would make her clostrophobic. (I don't think I spelled that right....)

Lilie said...

I live in a house thats over 130 years old and wouldnt be surprized if the door is to, would be easy to break it open theres a crack almost all he way down.

Angel/Valkyrie Cain said...

What a thing. I was trapped in school once and I didn't shout at the school.
However, did the carpenters believe you? They didn't, did they?

Alana Core said...

Oh, Derek. Will you write an autobiography? Just like this one? I think you should. Indeed.

Alana Core said...

Also, if you ever wrote an autobiography, I would buy it. And people would be forever staring at the strange girl cackling in the corner reading a book with a God on the front. A hilarious, glasses-wearing God, staring into your soul. They would be mildly creeped out, but that would be nothing compared to the zany adventures that you and your cats get up to. And hammers. Also, stealing an idea from AmandaCYT, if you don't come to America to tour, I'll come to Ireland. And I will find out where you live, my Golden God. And I will break your doors down with hammers, and laugh with maniac glee as you realize that there is nothing left to do but come to America with me. (As my hostage.)

Sabrina Sparrow said...

PAH! Thank you very much, I now have a mouthful of tea aaaaaaall over my laptop screen!

Great story! However, my cat is sitting on my lap, and you can tell from the look in her eyes that she has no sympathy for you whatsoever, since you made your cat go out. But I have sympathy for you Derek. It must have been terribly traumatic for you. It it was me, I probably would have freaked out and called the fire brigade or something...

But hey, at least ou got to have your very own Skulduggery moment... ish...

Ahem.

A truely heroic story, Derek. Loved it! Really cheered me up!

X

Alana Core said...

AHHH LAURA HELLOOOO!!!!

Sabrina Sparrow said...

MARIAH!!!!! HEEEY!

Sabrina Sparrow said...

Geeeet on Skype Wifeyyy! ;)

Invisible_Fly said...

Seeing a new blog post is like my anti-drug.

Digiconspiracy said...

Hi Fly ;)

Alana Core said...

BUT I CAN'T! I'm in school, my darling. :( I'm so sorry. Maybe today after school, okay? :D

Invisible_Fly said...

Digicon! <3333

And cool story, bro. Very cool story indeed.

Sabrina Sparrow said...

Okayy, Mariah my dear, after school would be awesome :) Have a good day, sweet!

X

Digiconspiracy said...

:D Thanks, Fly. I only wish a hammer had been involved, Derek's story is all the cooler because of its presence.

Bethany said...

Derek, you've made my week. Genuinely.

It's been a pretty lousy week, so there wasn't much competition, but alas. You still made it.

Why do the cats have to leave at night?

Invisible_Fly said...

I seriously think he should follow through with that plan to get Mammy Cat her own chair. I know a bunch of people get decoy keyboards for their cats so they can get work done. I heard that cats like to sit on keyboards because we give keyboards so much attention, and they want that attention for themselves XD

I enjoyed the violent use of the hammer. We should get him a Captain Hammer t-shirt :3

Reginald Barris said...

Hello.

Invisible_Fly said...

Oh hi there, Reginald :3 Nice name.

I'm seriously discovering a whole new world of blog-people. I don't recognize a lot of you.

Sabrina Sparrow said...

Ditto lol :)

Invisible_Fly said...

Hi Sabrina. Don't think we've met yet :P I'm Fly. NICE TO MEET YOU.

flaring rhythm said...

LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL OH MY GOD, LOOOOOOOOOOOOL.

You win so much, honestly...

Sabrina Sparrow said...

Hello Fly, yeah we haven't met. I'm kinda shy so I don't talk on here much. But yeah, nice to meet you too :D

Invisible_Fly said...

Oh, no need to be shy, darling. I'm super shy in real life, but I'm extremely outgoing here :) It's so easy to just let loose with the other bloggers :D

Sabrina Sparrow said...

Ahaaa, so I'm not alone! S'all good. I'm confident with my friends, but with new people I suddenly forget the art of speech. But so far so good, eh? I agree, blogging is awesome. Hands down!

Becky said...

I'm not kidding. I have not laughed that much in an AGE.

That's the best blog you have ever posted. Seriously. I'm going to buy a new printer, JUST so I can print this and read it every night, and just laugh myself to sleep....


BUT I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL. Our living room door shutter mechanism thing died, and if you closed the door, the bugger wouldn't open. Admittedly, I didn't smash the life out of it, but I did have to climb out of the living room window, scuttle through the front door, get a knife from the kitchen again, shuffle back outside and haul myself back through the window, knife between my teeth to open it.


I was honestly under the impression I was Indiana Jones.

Invisible_Fly said...

Gotta go, guys! see ya later <3




Once again, this was a hilarious and ridiculous story. I'd love to see a picture of Mammy Cat, just so I can put a furry face to the one who caused all of this mayhem.

Sabrina Sparrow said...

Byee :) xx

Kribu said...

*waves to everyone*

*supports the motion of seeing the picture of Mammy Cat the Evil Mastermind*

Sabrina Sparrow said...

I can understand this. My cat is an evil mastermind too. She knows how to open the cupboard where we keep the cat food! :O

Kribu said...

One of my cats (we have two) can open pretty much any cupboard or wardrobe door - well, any door that isn't locked, including bathroom doors.

The other cat can't open doors herself but she always takes advantage of having my clothes closet door opened for her, so she can dash inside and sleep on my clothes.

Lilly said...

Dear Santa, please bring me this door for X-mas =) thanks

Sabrina Sparrow said...

Ahh, crafty cat you have there. I'm glad in not the only person who has a cat obsessed with sleeping on their clothes!

I go to collage with fur and cat-biscuit crumbs all over my trousers and have to repeat the phrase to everyone: "Please, don't ask."

nights.raven said...

THAT. WAS. HILARIOUS!!!

although, and i must be honest here, i sometimes worry about you on the weekends, just look at what happens when u are left unattented.


and i LOVED what u said to the workers, absolutely AWESOME! i wouldnt expect anything less from The Golden God.



P.S.
You are mean to ur doors :P

Kribu said...

Oh yes, all my clothes are cat-hair-enhanced as well. At least now that I get to work from home, it's less of an issue (but the clothes-friendly cat considers me working at home as an open invitation to settle into my lap for hours when I'm supposed to be working instead).

Sabrina Sparrow said...

Cat do that don't they? All the attention for theselves. I kid you not, even as I am typing now, there is a cat trying to stand on my keyboard.

Bad Tilly! Get DOWN!

Ahem.

The cat has actually claimed my pillow as her own, so bedtime is particularly uncomfortable now. LOL!

Ayesha said...

OMG THAT WAS HILLARIOUS!!! UR CAT SOUNDS SOOO CUTE and also backs up my view on that cats are extremely intelligent! your doors should be afraid of you....because that is one HUGE hole!!!
I laughed at the last line, it was so funny!! =P

Sabrina Sparrow said...

Got to go! Laters Taters!

X

NJ Maverick said...

Pure LAWL Derek!!
I was laughing ALL the way through that!!

nights.raven said...

hi NJ! *hugs* how r u?

NJ Maverick said...

Hey Raven *hugs*
I am grand, how are you??

nights.raven said...

im fine, still recovering from the hilariousness of what Derek does in his spare time lol

Lady Louize said...

This is amazing!! XD

NJ Maverick said...

LAWL.
I know, I wonder if he has started writing book 7 yet...

DEREK HAVE YOU, HAVE YOU STARTEDWRITING BOOK 7.
if not,
GET TO WORK!!
SEPTEMBER IS 10 MONTHS AWAY!!

nights.raven said...

YEAH, GET TO WORK! please *puppy dog eyes*

NJ Maverick said...

DEDICATE BOOK 7 TO YOUR DOGS AND CATS!!
I am SURE you will think something up for it!!

Skulduggery Skellington said...

Lolz Mr. Landy that is a funny story ^^ Your writing skills show brightly even when you're talking about a hole in your door.

Millyw said...

Lol, Derek you are a comical genius and you're good with hammer :)

Skulduggery Skellington said...

Used the hammer like a sword in the matter of a few seconds xD

Crescent said...

Lololol Derek you are crazy!! I would have just slept in the office, its not that bad! :P
I would like to challenge The Golden God!! >:D

Dragona Pine said...

Cool!

Shadow Whispers said...

great story :) bravo! :)

NJ Maverick said...

Hey Crescent!! *hugs*
how are you??

NJ Maverick said...

Hey Shadow *hugs*
Made it home safe then??
How is the Apple Pie?? what do you make of your cookery skills??

Crescent said...

OMG HIYA NJ :D

NJ Maverick said...

CRESCENT I AM DISAPPOINTED!!
YOU HAVE BEEN NEGELECTING TWITTER!!

Flame Phoenix~ High Warlord of blogland ~Master of fire said...

Derek? Really blame tr carpenters poor men...

Shadow Whispers said...

NJ! *hugs* we did, half the pie got eaten on the bus XD it's actually really nice *pride* now I have to make it at home some time though... cause my daddy liked it....

Flame Phoenix~ High Warlord of blogland ~Master of fire said...

Hey everyone...

Beef___ *Cornith Solomon* said...

LOLS!

Shadow Whispers said...

hey flame!!

NJ Maverick said...

Hey Flame *hugs*
How are you??

Beef___ *Cornith Solomon* said...

Derek you should of waited until someone was outside the door and gone HEEERES JOHNNY!

Flame Phoenix~ High Warlord of blogland ~Master of fire said...

Shadow *hugs*


Nj *hi 5s*

Beef I no lunacy!!!




Hi crescent

Flame Phoenix~ High Warlord of blogland ~Master of fire said...

Not good...

NJ Maverick said...

Where did Crescent go??
*goes in search of crescent*

Flame Phoenix~ High Warlord of blogland ~Master of fire said...

*jumps on nj* gogogogo!!!

NJ Maverick said...

I gotta go now!!
Foot doctor Thingy person
BYE
*hugs*

Shadow Whispers said...

*stands awkwardly in background*

Natalie Jay said...

OMG! That was epic Derek!

Flame Phoenix~ High Warlord of blogland ~Master of fire said...

Bye ig2 aswell cos piano and guitar

Shadow Whispers said...

oh good you're finally going to that! BYE NJ!!! *HUGS*

Beef___ *Cornith Solomon* said...

ohmygod this computer has mental issues

Shadow Whispers said...

bye flame *hugs*

Crescent said...

Noooo NJ
Awwww...Bye bye NJ ol' buddeh
And hi Flame :3

Crescent said...

I wanna become a neko right naooow!! :3

Crescent said...

I'm so annoyed at the fact my internet is still broken >:( I have to go on my phone instead. It kinda sucks

Beef___ *Cornith Solomon* said...

My baack huuuuurrtttss.... That definatly sucks, Cresent ^^ My phone died on me...

Crescent said...

*Attempts to revive Beefs phone* *fails*
Sorry... :L

Kalia Mist said...

omg lols so hard!!!!!!!

I had a similar experience with the front door of our house. We (me+mum) were with the landlord (this was our old house and he wasn't even a lord; I was very dissapointed.) and we'd gone out to talk about landlord-y stuff together (well, mum and the not-a-lord did. I stood in the corner imagining him on a throne with servants to do his bidding wearing a king's crown. He was actually in jeans and a nice pink shirt.) but, mum had forgotten to bring the keys with her... *looks angrily at mum's fav chair.* and so we were stuck on the doorstep while a little pidgeon who was obviously a baby having lost its mum harrassed me about giving it regurgitated caterpillars. I told it that it could help itself to the fridge as soon as we got into the house. (I think it thought i was mad, but that's what every talking pidgeon says!) anyway, the landlord spent ages looking for his keys and so did mum. Meanwhile, the baby pidgeon was attempting puppy dog eyes, and I explained that it doesnt work if you're not an actual puppy. So, eventually, they gave up and the landlord picked up a very big spanner which just so happened to be lying in wait underneath the baby pidgeon's fat backside and swung, hard, through the glass of the door. SMASH! So, we broke in and ha to put up wit a draught for a few months... if you're wondering about the pidgeon, he flew the coop when he realised we didn't have wholemeal.

Sabrina Sparrow said...

I have come back here to read this again, after recieving some rubbish news and needing a cheer-up. Thank God for this blog.

Beef___ *Cornith Solomon* said...

I know this is absolutley random, But you know in the line for derek's signing in bluewater? I was the one in front of you sabrina ^^# Totally random

Kalia Mist said...

ps, who says "darling" anymore? Especially to complete strangers...???? :/

Kalia Mist said...

Hi Beef hi Sabrina! I hash neva mets u! *shakes hands walmly and talles of rainbows and sunshine... then gets back to hugging Skulduggery*

Beef___ *Cornith Solomon* said...

Hi! :)

Kalia Mist said...

*goes in search of cookies and phone revivers.*





... *whilst hugging Skulduggery, por supesto!*

Beef___ *Cornith Solomon* said...

*Gives special flava cookie*

Kalia Mist said...

Por supesto es spanish por "of course" btw peopless

*finds cookies!!!!!!!* *noms on cookies.* did u read my earlier comment? About my derek-ish experience???

Kalia Mist said...

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHH special flava! What flava?

Beef___ *Cornith Solomon* said...

SPECIAL flava! ooooooooh!

Kalia Mist said...

Choose from the list:

1) mint and honey
2) galaxy white chocolate and mint
3) mint-choc-chip icecream flavour
4) severed heads... and mint!

Kalia Mist said...

XDXDXDXDXDXDXDXDXDXDXDXDXDDXDXxdxdxdxdxdxdxdxdxdxd
XDXDXDXDXDXDXDXDXDXDXDXDXDXDXDXDXDXDXDXDXDXDXDXDXD
XDXDXDXDXDXDXDXDXDXDXDXDXDXDXDXDXDXDXDXDXDXDXDXDXD

Kalia Mist said...

oh noes!!!!! I has to go!!!! DX

Kalia Mist said...

byesies!!!!!

Beef___ *Cornith Solomon* said...

BYEE!!!

Lilith Nightshade... said...

omfg derek! LOLOLOLOLOLOL! XD

Sabrina Sparrow said...

Sorry for late reply.

Yes, Beef___ *Cornith Solomon* that was me lol. I realise I was insane that day lol.

Hey, Kalia Mist - nice to meet you :)

X

Beef___ *Cornith Solomon* said...

People normally call me beef ^^

Sparky Braginski said...

YOU BLAMED IT ON THE CARPENTERS!!!!!

I was eating cereal as I read this and my laptop where it belongs. My lap. Anyway I took a mouthful of cereal and I had to use all of my awesome power to avoid spraying it on my laptop. SO FUNNY I'M GOING TO BE LAUGHING TIL TOMORROW!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sabrina Sparrow said...

Oh... my bad. Lol, okiies :)

Sparky Braginski said...

I don't think that the chair idea will work though... I think that you will get a new chair and the cat will refuse to sit in it, BUT when the cat sees you in the new chair it will start sitting there...

I have faith in how smart you are Derek I really do- but cats are EVIL.

(quite a few of my friends would explode if I told them that)

BYE GUYS!

Beef___ *Cornith Solomon* said...

UGH I just accidentally posted on Bio-rama instead of my own blog ^^# So ignore that post!

Flame Phoenix~ High Warlord of blogland ~Master of fire said...

Hi again will be here for half hour

Tali said...

In ancient China, the yellow river would flood all the time, and the results would be disastrous. They took to calling it "China's Sorrow"
I know you get that.
I already posted this, but I have a feeling no one read it, sooo yeah. This is on the first page, so it's more likely to be read.

Flame Phoenix~ High Warlord of blogland ~Master of fire said...

Yeah u read it...

Quinnera Elviana: 5th Seat of the Council of the Lost Ones said...

Oh Great Master Landy, you do make me smile :)

This made my day. And destroyed my headache!

Huzzah! The Great Golden God, conqueror of doors and headaches!

simaramorgana said...

What an adventure. ^^ I literally was lying under my desk because i couldnt stop louhging while reading it. This door won't dare to chalenge you again. Ever.
My Cat ayctually likes to sleep on my computer keyboard, by the way. Thats not helpful when you're trying to write something... xD

Beef___ *Cornith Solomon* said...

My friends cat sleeps on my friends HEAD.

Beef___ *Cornith Solomon* said...

imagine waking up to that.

moreteadk said...

LMAO! Oh dear. Never change, Mr Landy. Never change.

One wonders, though, if it ever occurred to you to pick up the phone and ring someone for help?

I wish someone would come and replace our old-fashioned doors. Or at least just the two that can't close properly and the one that can only close properly if you lean against it. And maybe, just maybe, put some doors into the two empty frames. That would be great. Yes... And while I'm dreaming I would like to win the lottery as well, please.

Invisible_Fly said...

Hey guys, how's it going?

To Kalia, who asked "ps, who says "darling" anymore? Especially to complete strangers...???? :/", I say darling to let people know I have to ability to love someone who I've never met, and that everyone who comes on this blog can expect to feel loved and included.

I have cookie stuck between my teeth.

Dogeared said...

Mmm, I feel your initial panic. Had a similar moment myself last week, merrily swinging my flat door shut as I went into the conservatory to do washing, knowing I'd put the latch on. Then hearing the CLICK of the door shutting. I freeze. Think "Oh shit".

I do my washing anyway 'cos you know, a girl's gotta wear clothes. Then I turn my attention to the slight issue of being locked out. I can't even get out of the conservatory as that door is locked, and I'd only end up in the garden where there's a locked gate and a 7 foot high wall...

After much rooting around in the conservatory, I found the spare keys which my landlady had moved. Which saved me having to break a glass pane in my flat's door (I'd already tried a screwdriver on the latch, and pondered the idea of MacGyvering something that I could feed through the cat flap pane and maybe pull the latch down on the other side).

Also - voted in the Irish Book Awards thing. Go Skullduggery!

Minnie said...

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! =)

More posts like this!

Minnie said...

Um, not sure what happened to my last comment. Maybe it'll show up, but I have to tell you, Derek, you ought to stop pretending not to like cats. Thinking about buying Mammy cat her own chair. You're obviously totally bonkers about the cats. Even I don't buy my cats their own chairs. But then, you have more money than me. When I get out of college, buying my cats their own chairs will be a definite consideration. =)

Crescent said...

Tali, I saw that thing about that river too! In a Nat Geo mag :D Derek THATS were you got the name China Sorrow! :D

Danielle Corcoran Hanlon said...

Hehe. Lol :D. Night of the living DEREK!!!!

Octaboona Ambrosius- Paragon of the Purple Horde said...

Oh my dear Landy!

That adventure was so hilarious. And I admit I'm jealous it happened in real life. I would love to do that.

This proves beyond doubt how awesome you are. And blaming the poor carpenters too.

May be I should keep a hammer in every room in my house.

And yes your cat seems to be evil. But you shall prevail!

If you can conquer a door you can conquer a cat..

It's an ancient family saying... *from the perspective of my great great great grand children*

IT'S ALL RELATIVE!!!!

I'm still laughing.

Zulizoga said...

So cool it's your books coming in to you giving you a super mind

jelbertie said...

That was funny, but still, I've been in a situation similar (but there was no breaking down doors because my parents would've killed me) and I was kind of scared, and hungry (but that's got nothing to do with anything) so I guess I can empathize.

Crescent said...

I'm about to get 5 euro ;)

skulduggery4ever said...

Wow!!! That is funny!!! I'm still laughing!!! I love the books btw!!! Can't wait for the next one to come out!!! Xx

Crescent said...

Omfg you serious?!?! *sigh* I won a bet but now the guy is telling me he doesn't have 5euro Grrrrr >:(
Then he pissed me off even MORE by saying shit about my favourite band!!! How dare he! He said their most recent album was shit, but then I asked him what songs were shit and it turned out HE HADNT EVEN HEARD ANY OF THE SONGS FROM THAT ALBUM!!! Grrrrrrr!!! D:<

Mz.Boo said...

OMG! That is so funny :)

Dragona Pine said...

I have to go now. Night guys!

Kallista Pendragon- The Beautiful Godess Queen said...

LOL So hilarious! but this prove just how BRILLIANT You are Master Landy! Well done on not letting a mere door get the best of you! This should be a lesson to all doors EVERYWHERE!
BWAAHAAHAHAAHAAAA


Love teh endingof your tale best of all!
:D

CassidySkulduggeryClarimode said...

Derek that was bloody epic!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!you are so awesome !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!laughed so much at the picture and the ending !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


my mum once got locked in the bathroom 3 years ago so my dad had to break the door handle off !!!!!!! we still haven't got it fixed!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!








:D x

Lizzy the lovely un-dead vampire writer said...

Dude, you really killed that door! xD Great story!

You really should write a book about your crazy adventures like Thalia said. It would be awesome!

Thalia Jane - Blogland Detective said...

Poor door. It's so dead now.

*shakes head, laughing*

Lizzy the lovely un-dead vampire writer said...

It's totally dead ^^ *hugs* how are you Thalia dear? I haven't seen you in a while ^^

Thalia Jane - Blogland Detective said...

Ehhh, I'm.....still alive?

*shrugs*

*hugs Lizzy back*

How're you, my friend?

Lizzy the lovely un-dead vampire writer said...

Kallie just left the chat :( Permanently

Thalia Jane - Blogland Detective said...

What? Why?

BellaDonna Curse said...

Ha ha! I haven't had a door handle in my room for four years, so I've had to develop a certain technique to opaning, which I haven't told anybody else how to do of course. I need a way of imprisoning people do I not?

Leo Sparks said...

Mr. Landy . . . you sir are a LEGEND. I am yet to meet a person of your exemplary cunning, skill and tact. You an example to stupid people everywhere- BE MORE LIKE THIS PERSON AND LESS SLOW YOU IDIOTS!!!!!!

Robbie said...

Hi there Derek :)
Absolutley adore the Skulduggery Pleasant series :D and was wondering if youself (or anybody else for that matter ;)) would like to have a look at my blog please if you wouldn't mind :)

http://storiesofthetomes.blogspot.com/

Thanks :)

Leo Sparks said...

SUP people?? WHO LEFT THE BLOG?????????????

Lizzy the lovely un-dead vampire writer said...

Some new chick called Red waterfall was talking to her and told her off for talkign about Dragona behind his back. and then she left, kinda with no warning. She's back on Ven's chat now, only for a little bit

Lizzy the lovely un-dead vampire writer said...

Hey Leo! *hugs* Kal left, but I'm trying to keep her here

Thalia Jane - Blogland Detective said...

Oh dear....Lizzy, can you note me the link to Ven's chat on dA? I want to talk to Kal :(

Lizzy the lovely un-dead vampire writer said...

I asked her and she's coming on here. I think. I'll link you anyways

Kallista Pendragon- The Beautiful Godess Queen said...

http://skulduggerypoetry.blogspot.com/2011/11/veniall-vrs-thief-in-black.html

A second poem I wrote for Veniall.


Thalia, LEo if you are around
*gives them both great big hugs*

Leo Sparks said...

ohh god. YOU NEED TO KEEP HER HERE!!!

Thalia Jane - Blogland Detective said...

Thanks Lizzy.

*hugs*

Thalia Jane - Blogland Detective said...

KALLISTA!

*super hugs*


Are you OK, dear? :(

Lizzy the lovely un-dead vampire writer said...

KALLIE~! *hugs tight* Hi ^^

Cassidy El Skulduggo Clarimode said...

Please check out my blogs !!!!!!!!!!!!



u can see them if u click on my name!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ayesha said...

Hii everyone!!

nights.raven said...

hey everyone

Raechi-Cherie said...

Hi everyone!
Lol! Fantastic story Mr. Landy :D
I once had a similar encounter as well, but this one required me to break *into* my own house. I had arrived home from school to find that the spare key was missing. So after sitting around for half an hour wondering what I would do, I came up with a plan. I climbed up to the window outside my room and forced the flyscreen inwards, then hauled myself into the room. I was totally ninja :)

amelie espirt said...

hahahahahaha funny story derek but now dont you need a new new door hmmmmmm

Ayesha said...

Hiii raven!! *hugs*
How are you??

nights.raven said...

hii ayesha! *hugs back* im fine, u?

barmybex said...

LOL - I just laughed so hard - you've brightened my day no end!
Excellent Derek = Excellent.
I really want to break a door down now. ;D

Ayesha said...

i am good! my comp is a bit slow though =/

Ayesha said...

i gtg now! byee everyone!!

omlair said...

hilarous.

mammy cat sounds cute but I am distraught at the poor kitties having to spend the night outside!! that's terrible! kitties should be kept inside to snuggle!!

Shadow Whispers said...

annnnnyyyy bodddy here???

nights.raven said...

hi shadow, how r u?

Molly said...

Oh my goodness, you just made my day. I am serious. thank you. Because of you and your story, I will not bang my head on the desk in biology, then strangle the teacher. You, Derek Landy, have saved me from becoming a delinquit.

Shadow Whispers said...

hey raven :) *hugs* I'm fine, worrying a bit about some tests.... how are you?

nights.raven said...

*hugs back* im fine
and im sure u'll do great on those tests :)

Shadow Whispers said...

Awh thanks :) but still... Irish + me = failure *corner of shame*
I'm glad you're fine

Mar-Chu said...

HEEEEEEERES JONNY!

LOL

I SO WISHED I COULD'VE DONE THAT TOO!!!!!!!

But, I was on a bus with kids excited to see if they hat swat team outside the highschool because of a bomb threat.

DESTROYING A DOOR IS SO MUCH BETTER!!!!!!

Mar-Chu said...

When I showed my mom the picture of the door, she said...

"Oooh...is that Derek Landys hand?"

Cluainn Fhada said...

Oh the joys of smashing things and or burning them. It is, after all the only reason I did chemistry.

Mar-Chu said...

Hey look! The school's on the news!


















...oh yeah.

Valkyrie V. said...

THAT. WAS. AMAZING. I was laughing so hard, I nearly cried just now! Especially because of you shouting, "Heeeeeeeeeeeere's Johnny!" and the fact the that the door is "cash only"!


XD XD XD XD XD XD XD XD XD

Mar-Chu said...

Hey look! Gilmore Girls!

Rory's going to Yale...

"Are you sure you can drive a stick?"

"I can drive a stick."

"You can stir coffee with a stick, but you can't drive one."

Valkyrie V. said...

Derek, I does accidentally smashing a window on a door with my hand count for breaking a door? XD



And aren't hammers so effective?! I put one in my Skulduggery Halloween story a whille ago, and Valkyrie smacks Skulduggery with it by mistake XD

nights.raven said...

hi everyone

Valkyrie V. said...

Hi Raven! I'm laughing so hard at Derek's "adventure" that I'm shaking XD

nights.raven said...

lol me too

Thrust Ominous said...

Hey, everyone.

nights.raven said...

my sister and mom were looking at me like "wth?" lol

nights.raven said...

hi thrust

Thrust Ominous said...

hi, raven

Thrust Ominous said...

hi, val

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