Wednesday, August 11, 2010

The Laura Interview: Part Four

Coming towards the end of the interview, I sit back and grin. “Here’s a question that’s been suggested that I know you’ll love- how did you get to be the golden god's BFF?”

“Get lost," she says immediately, "I am not answering that. And the golden god? Really? Seriously? Why?”

“Because I’m awesome.”

“No you’re not.”

“Because I’m brilliant.”

“No, you’re not. They don’t know you like I know you. Next question.”

“In no way do I want to insult your folks, but are they anything like Valkyrie's parents?”

“No. My dad doesn’t do ridiculous things like Valkyrie’s dad. Valkyrie’s mum, we’ve never really got an insight into her, so I don’t know. The dad’s the weirdo so you tend to focus on him more, so I really can’t say.”

“The dad is more like my dad than yours.”

“Yeah. My dad’s very practical, very black and white.”

“Whereas my dad’s a rambler.”

“Yes he is. Abso-bloody-lutely.”

“Someone wants to know what type of car Valkyrie's parents drive. For some reason. I haven’t a clue. What do you think?”

“I’d say her dad drives a Toyota Avensis, and her mum drives a Renault Megane.”

“You’re so helpful. Okay, here’s one. What character am I most like?”

“You? Skulduggery. Straight up. There’s no other character.”

“Not even Gordon?” I ask. “A few readers seem to think he’s my alter ego.”

She shakes her head. “No. No way. You’re not like Gordon. If anything, your humour comes out in my least favourite character, Scapegrace. So that’s the irritating Derek. The cool Derek is Skulduggery. It’s true, though, isn’t it? Skulduggery is the exact same as you. Did you ever deny it?”

“No, never denied it... I mean, when I had the idea, when I was writing the book, and I knew I had to give it my full attention, it was always me and you. That’s who I had in my head when it all began. That’s the-”

“That’s the only relationship you’ve had where there was enough there to act as a basis for the characters.”

“Exactly. How sad is that?”

“Pretty damn sad.”

“Some of my Minions wonder if you read this Blog before this interview stuff started, but you didn’t, did you?”

“I didn’t realise you even had a blog until a few days ago. That’s terrible, isn’t it?”

“The fact is, you have never bothered to see any interviews I did on TV, you’ve never bought the newspapers I’m in, you’ve never even come to a signing, have you?”

“No, no, and no.”

“And it was only today that you saw the official Skulduggery website.”

“Is there a question here, or are you just slating me for being an awful friend?”

“I think that’s what I’m doing.”

“Well, I apologise. But I’m here now, showing an interest. This is me, showing an interest.”

“You don’t look particularly interested.”

“I’m comfortable. In the most uncomfortable chair in the world.”

“Ah, I see.”

“But the thing is, I don’t think I could watch you on TV, I think I’d just crack up laughing at the ridiculousness of it all. The same way, I couldn’t look at you with a queue of people standing in line, wanting your autograph. I’m just not awestruck by you, you know?”

“You should be.”

“Yeah.”

“I’m great.”

“You’re really not.”

“Have you ever tried, or even heard of, a tim tam?”

“No. What is it?”

“Apparently it’s a biscuit in Australia. I doubt it exists. I’m starting to doubt Australia exists. I think I may have dreamed it. How does it feel to have hundreds of people wanting you to do an interview?”

She smiles again, one of the broadest smiles of the night. “I think it’s absolutely bizarre. I think it’s bizarre that people are interested in you, for a start, and I think it’s even more bizarre that people are interested in me. I knew there were people who buy your books, but I didn’t know there was this huge awareness that Valkyrie was inspired by me. So when I first saw this blog, like, the day before yesterday, I just couldn’t believe that people actually cared, you know? I thought that a book is a book, you put it down when you finish it and that’s it. I didn’t think the interest in characters went beyond that. So it’s a little bit surreal.

“I’m very laid back about things like that, though. I don’t get excited by much. I’ve been logging on to the Blog since I discovered it, to see what’s happening, so obviously I am interested. It’s highly amusing.”

“And the fact that Valkyrie has proven herself to be such a popular character,” I say, “means that there are literally hundreds of thousands of people around the world who, you know, admire you, and who...”

“Who like me,” she laughs. “That is so weird. I think if I was lacking in something within myself, or if I were after fame and glory, then I’d let that go to my head, but I’m not either of those things. I’m quite comfortable with myself, so whether or not people like me, isn’t going to change anything, you know? Obviously it’s nice to know that there are people out there who do like me, or at least like the kind of person I am. It’s a hell of a lot better than finding out there are hundreds of thousands of people who hate me. But even if they didn’t like me, so what? I’m happy with who I am. I think I’m doing okay.”

“And that, right there, is who Valkyrie is, and that’s why she’s proven to be so popular. She doesn’t pretend to be something she’s not. I’ve called you a lot of things, most of the time when you’re not around...”

“Ha, I can imagine.”

“... but the one thing I regularly call you to your face is blunt.”

“Yeah. Everyone says that. I get that an awful lot. I’m blunt. Sometimes they call me harsh, and my mum says ‘Laura, you’re so intolerant’. And I am, I suppose, because I hate stupid people, and I hate fake people, and I can’t pretend to like people that I don’t like. My ass is numb from sitting in this chair, by the way. I want a cushion for next time. Next question. What time is it? I’m tired.”

“We’re almost done.”

“Are we?”

“No.” I consult my list of questions. “Do you think Valkyrie’s mum will have a boy or a girl?”

“I really don’t want her to have any kids, to be honest.”

“Really? Yet you have two sisters of your own...”

“Well yeah, but it’s not going to be Valkyrie’s sister, is it? The reflection is going to spend the most amount of time with her, and that’s just not right. It’s not like Valkyrie’s going to take her little sister out on adventures with her, a little two-year old sidekick. But I think it’s going to be a girl, because I have sisters, and you have nieces... Do you know what it’s going to be?”

“Nope.”

“I bet it’ll be a girl. I have that feeling.”

“Okay, every week I get at least five or six girls asking me if they can audition for the part of Valkyrie in the movie. And just to make it clear, we still don’t know if the movie will, in fact, ever be MADE, so there are no auditions PLANNED. But do you wonder what it’ll be like to see someone play, essentially, you, onscreen?”

“Yeah, I do. I think I’m going to be very skeptical of that person. I mean, I’m not going to have a say in the matter, or how she portrays Val, so I think there’d be a lot of tongue-biting going on. You know how vocal I tend to be about things, so I think it’d be a struggle to stay quiet and watch them get on with it. It’s going to be weird. But it’s the same with you, like. If you see something you hate you’re going to be freaked out and horrified, but there’s a certain point where you just won’t have a say anymore, you know? So the only thing you can do is complain about it to me. But you know what I mean? It’s because all of a sudden it stops being yours and becomes someone else’s.”

“If the movie DOES happen, who would you like to see playing the parts?”

“Em... okay. For China, you know who I think it should be, Catherine Zeta Jones. With China, obviously she’s beautiful, but it’s not really about looks, it has to be about the attitude, as well.

“For Ghastly, someone like Vinnie Jones, or someone like that. Someone big. God, it’s really weird, I’ve never thought about this. It’s really strange putting real faces on these fictional characters. Em... for Kenspeckle, that guy who played the granddad in Into The West...”

“David Kelly.”

“Is that who it is? He’s really good, because he’s always so busy, you know? Always so preoccupied. For Skulduggery... I don’t know. You’d have to go with my main one, which is Johnny Depp. It’s just... Johnny does eccentric really, really well, but although Skulduggery is quirky, he’s not all that mad, like. He’s not on the Jack Sparrow and Willy Wonka level of eccentricity. He’s more of a Sherlock Holmes. And I also love Robert Downey Junior. He was incredible in that movie. For Billy-Ray... it’d be Brad Pitt in Fight Club. I don’t know if I’ve answered that question. I find it hard to put real faces to the characters, because for so long they’ve been in my head. It’s just weird, you know?”

“There’s a good question here. I’ve had two movies made, of which you’ve only seen ONE of them.”

“Mm hmm.”

“You haven’t seen my second movie?”

“No. In my defense, you didn’t bring me to it. You only brought me to the first one.”

“Yet more proof regarding what a rubbish friend you are. Right, anyway, my Minions want to know, seeing as how I’ve had movies made, I’ve written books, I’ve won awards, I’ve toured around the world... What will it take for me to impress you?”

There is a long, long silence.

“You so want to know this as well,” she says, eyes narrowed. “Listen, I am impressed. I mean, I’ve told you before, ‘God you’re good at this’. You do impress me. But, everyone is always telling you how brilliant you are, so it’s up to me to keep you grounded. Of course I’m impressed by you. You’ve done amazing things, and you’ve... Okay, I refuse to elaborate on that because everyone spends all day telling you how absolutely wonderful you are, you have hundreds or, I don't know, thousands of people who read your Blog and call you a golden god... I think the day that you tell me something and I jump around and scream ‘oh my God I can’t believe it, that’s amazing’, will be the day you say Laura, get out of my house.”

“I can’t wait for that day.”

“Yeah, right. You’d be lost without me.”

“Okay, here’s the last one. Someone wants to know if Mr. Landy- that’s me- is really such a freaky person in real life or is it all just a funny act for his Minions?”

“Oh he’s a complete and utter lunatic. There is absolutely nothing normal about him, whatsoever. His ego is the size of a double-decker bus. He absolutely adores the fact that he has Minions, and his little Blog just allows him to play out his ‘I’m a god’ fantasies in real life.”

“You are horrible to me.”

“True, but are you going to argue with any of that? This whole thing allows you to have your army, and to have all these people listen to you, and it means you can act the way you wouldn’t be able to act in a normal social situation.”

“That is horrible.”

“It’s true.”

“It’s a little bit true,” I admit. “I am great.”

She frowns. “What? No, that’s not what I said.”

“That’s exactly what you said.”

“That’s not what I said at all.”

“I’m pretty great. I think we can agree on that.”

“I definitely don’t think that that’s the way I want this interview to end.”

“Cool. So we can agree?”

“No, we are not agreeing.”

“And that’s how the interview finishes.”

“You appear to have totally missed the point.”

“Thank you.”

“My God, you’re impossible.”

“You want my autograph?”

“I hate you.”

And with that, Laura stands up, stretches, and right before she manages to turn the microphone off she asks, "Can I borrow the jeep tonight?"

Because THAT is why we are friends. She gets to borrow my jeep and return it days later with an EMPTY TANK.

Ahem.


I’d love to get her back on here, because I had so much fun doing this, so maybe sometime in the future she’ll agree to write a guest-Blog. If we ask her nicely.

However, no matter how nicely I’ve asked, she refuses to let me post a photograph of her. I think she’s very, very mean.

852 comments:

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Star Lord said...

I feel discluded: No one has talked to me in 2 days. JUST BECAUSE I HAVE SCHOOL!!!

I... hate... SCHOOL!
I... hate... MATHS HOMEWORK!
I... find it funny... when I... annoy my drama... teacher by... saying... SOMEBODY DIED!

Jd said...

ok, Mr Landy how do i put this....i was wondering....ok long story short i'm doing a biography in class that may well count towards my exams in two years time and i chose to do it on you but my teacher is stressing 'it has to be all facts' ...and i cant use wikepedia so before i start asking any questions i was wondering if you'd agree to actually supply me the information that i'd be focusing on e.g school life, family back ground etc and if you're not ok with it (as my teacher said not to bank on in case i get upset XD) then i'll try look for some one else ^^

Many thanks, your minion Jd

Skyril A.K.A the Vociferous Chatterer, Loyal Forever and Always, The Ever-Present, the Pluviophile said...

Poor Sarthacus. :] Well at least someone said greetings. I just didn't see you hi because I was writing. Or, that is, typing. ^.^

Liz said...

Hey y'all im typing up a new post for my blog (unlike you mr. Landy) it with be ready in 5 minutes or so. the post is: 20 WAYS TO ANNOY SKULDUGGERY PLEASANT

Skyril A.K.A the Vociferous Chatterer, Loyal Forever and Always, The Ever-Present, the Pluviophile said...

lol Thanks Kallista! :-) I donno how it will be, though. xD Having a hard time thinking of main character names. Oh well, that's what I'm working on now. Maybe y'all have some suggestions? for a girl? I would give you an idea of her personality, but I'm afraid I'm still not sure what her personality will be. lol. She's unconscious right now so I haven't had to give a name.

Liz said...

My new blog is up! 20 WAYS TO ANNOY SKULDUGGERY PLEASANT! ta-da!

Skyril A.K.A the Vociferous Chatterer, Loyal Forever and Always, The Ever-Present, the Pluviophile said...

Ok I'm starting to get the flow. Anyone want to here the first part right now? Instead of waiting for me to put it on my blog?? :D

Nicole Fudge (Nicolette Croga) said...

Am I the only one who doesn't completly despice maths .. no okaii then

.. I don't think my mums swapping broadband any more so :D

I can't wait to here your story skyril ... and sorry your stuck with maths sarthacus ..

-munchkin ninga penguin says it's quater to midnight and I want sleep! :]

Skyril A.K.A the Vociferous Chatterer, Loyal Forever and Always, The Ever-Present, the Pluviophile said...

I don't COMPLETELY hate math, but I do dislike it.

:3 I'm glad you wanna hear it. Ok, here it is.

"She wasn't there a minute ago. How could someone just appear? Out here, no less. Maybe she's one of them. Maybe that's her power. I wish I could be one of them, but no, I'm just me." I shiver as a cold breeze from the approach of autumn touches my bare neck. "Should I leave her there in this cold or...no...I can't take her with me. I have to listen to what Saber said, even if I don't like him, he makes sense,...strangers, especially in this part of the woods, are not to be trusted..." I shift my weight and accidentally crack a twig. I look at the strange girl anxiously to be sure I didn't wake her. "She's still out cold. Maybe I should get a closer look...I mean, why would she be faking her unconsciousness? Besides the cracked twig, I haven't made a sound...Hmm safety or satisfying my curiosity?... I choose number two."

I silently reach towards my belt and slide out my skinny black dagger. "Not much protection if, somehow, she's faking and knows I'm here, but it'll have to do." Slowly and as quietly as I can, I approach the still girl. With her sleeveless black shirt and skinny pants, belt with all manner of odd pouches and daggers of all sizes, small ears, pointed nose, black shoulder length hair with purple streaks, and one fascinating metal earring that was shaped like a snake and was slithered all around her ear, she looked quite strange, beautiful though, and about my age, 15 or 16."Wow she's really...gorgeous...I wonder what she's like." I shake my head at myself for thinking about a thing like that. "She's probably a conniving thief who stole from the wrong pocket." Still, I couldn't help marvel at her beauty, shapely body, deep black hair with the perfect shade of purple in all the right places, graceful eyebrows, petite lips, she was practically stunning!
"I need to figure out what I'm gonna do with her. I can't trust her, of course. I know I can't take her back to the caves with Saber and everyone else. Knowing how their aim in life is merely to survive, they will most likely just slit her throat and be done with it. Either the near arrive of the freezing autumn or the creatures in these woods will get her if I leave her here, though. I want to know her before I condemn her. So that only leaves one option. Tie her up, Take her to my sanctuary, then hurry back to the caves before anyone starts wondering why my walk is taking so long. I nod."Yes, that's what I'll do. That just leaves one problem, I haven't got any rope." I sigh. "There's always a problem, isn't there? Ah well, better get to it." I slide my dagger back into my belt. "Well, I guess I can use some rope from my place. I pray she won't awake 'fore then."

I reached down and carefully pulled her up and tossed her over my shoulder. I glanced at the rapidly descending sun and realized how late it was. "Best get a move on." I began to walk away when I noticed something in the grass where the girl had lain. I paused and glanced at it before setting the girl down gently and reaching towards whatever the thing was. I picked it up and examined it's strangeness. "What in the name of Gulganith could this be?" It fit in the palm of my hand and was heavy for it's size.At first it looked silver, but if you looked closely it seemed to have flecks of every other color you could possibly imagine. It was rectangular and had beautiful designs of vines and leaves on one side. I looked at the back and saw the surface was perfectly smooth. I peered at it and could see my unblemished reflection. I pondered on what it's purpose might be, but then I glanced again at the sun and quickly dropped the silver thing in my pocket and hefted the sleeping beauty. She moaned softly as I tossed her across my back. "Uh-oh"

Skyril A.K.A the Vociferous Chatterer, Loyal Forever and Always, The Ever-Present, the Pluviophile said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Skyril A.K.A the Vociferous Chatterer, Loyal Forever and Always, The Ever-Present, the Pluviophile said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Skyril A.K.A the Vociferous Chatterer, Loyal Forever and Always, The Ever-Present, the Pluviophile said...

So anyway what do y'all think? It will be better on my blog because then things will be italicized and...stuff... :3

Unknown said...

should i keep writing?

Skyril A.K.A the Vociferous Chatterer, Loyal Forever and Always, The Ever-Present, the Pluviophile said...

I haven't seen your story yet, Nova.

Skyril A.K.A the Vociferous Chatterer, Loyal Forever and Always, The Ever-Present, the Pluviophile said...

I'm mean, Where CAN I see it?

Skyril A.K.A the Vociferous Chatterer, Loyal Forever and Always, The Ever-Present, the Pluviophile said...

Part 2 is up in my blog. ^.^

Skyril A.K.A the Vociferous Chatterer, Loyal Forever and Always, The Ever-Present, the Pluviophile said...

Sorry for all the short comments...Anyway...

I saw this totally awesome video a zillion ages ago (yes THAT long. :P) and I was reminded of it today. You random/insane people will absolutely adore this. (Especially you, Nova. :3)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0uuCNAwXGaQ

Seriously, watch it. ^.^

Alexandre Requiem (Lynda) said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Alexandre Requiem (Lynda) said...

Hello all!

As you can clearly see, our Infinitely Superior One has not written in quite a while.
Why?
I think it may be because of my excessive attempt at saving Dusk's unlife.
So, from this moment on (1:28 PM in Australia) I shall not mention him.
At ALL.

Another thing is that I tend to complain a lot. I apologize, Wonderful Landy. It shan't happen again.
BUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUT.

When you have writer's block, do you sit and watch movies and read books and stuff?
I just...kind of...sit there, eating my lower lip, which, though it is quite amusing to others, it can be very, very irritating when I realize I've been sitting in my awesome chair for OVER THREE HOURS doing nothing.
Uh...not counting my lip-nomming.
At the present time, I am re-writing the first part of my novel, and this is proving to be a challenging task.
I know EXACTLY what's going on all the time, but...I can't quite seem to fit it into words.

Au revoir, Derek (Says with crappy French accent).

-Lynda

-HB/Joe- said...

LETS REACH 1000 COMMENTS!!!



a big and welcome thanks too:

shewhofallsupstairs
gemma
kallista pendragon
dragon pine-ill check ur blog
skyril


im so glad u all read it! mwhahaha!



shewhofallsupstairs and gemma, ur rite, i should be given a contract. and i will be PAID!mwhahahahaha!!!!



im so happy! i just entered another competition with a story (not the one i showed u guys) and i WON 30 DOLLARS!! w00t!!!!!!!!!!



YESSSS!!!!!!


plus no more swearing peeps this is landy's blog, not ours. swear on ur own darn (see,im not swearing now) blog..



c u all later

hellboy

Dragona Pine said...

The Story is up...

http://dragonapine.blogspot.com/2010/08/story.html

Claire said...

Derek, I heard that you're only wrting 9 books for skulduggery pleasant... NOOOO!!!! -sniffes- ._.

Claire said...

Skyril, I think you're a great writer! intresting story :)

Nicole Fudge (Nicolette Croga) said...

Love all your stroies guy and yes nova do keep writing .. Skyril... I though you said you can't write THAT WAS BRILLIANT :D

Anonymous said...

Just because i want this post to get to 1000 comments, i'm writing about the fact that i'm writing a pointless comment.
Great Interview though- worth the wait :)
Okay, you just wasted a minute of your time reading this: how does that feel? x

sallytracey said...

@ Lenka,
It didn't take me a minute to read your comment, it took about 3 seconds ;)
1000 comments! Let's go for it!

Anonymous said...

i know, i just want this post to get a 1000 comments :P
only 145 to go! x

sallytracey said...

144

Let's countdown!

Robbie said...

WOW! look at all these comments. impressive!

Anonymous said...

142....

How about, if this post gets 1000 comments THEN you can post a picture of her...?
xx

Tugce said...

its like watching skullduggery and valkyrie have an argument -.-`
I am one of your minions derek XD
is that good or bad...

Hali Campbell said...

Mr Landy, I have absolutely no sympathy for you as I have a group of ten or so very close beloved friends and each one of them is an ego-stomping Laura. I don't know how they manage to find me. I like to think it's my sparkling wit and stunning good looks, though they would argue it's because I resemble a pack of wolves in very short skirts. Best friends are terrible afflictions. They bury their way into your heart, then leave a crap in the tunnel. X(

Anyway, fantastic interview! Good to see she's keeping you in line.

NiamhConway said...

yippeee!
The GOLDEN GOD
called me and oddball!

me!

Fiona Valkyrie said...

First of all wow, more thn 800 comments
I think my head nearly exploded form having to screw up my eyes tight every time I laughed cause I was so afraid I would cry from laughing too hard, also, when I opened my eyes everything sorta faded in, y'know?(I scare me, that was WAY 2 Billy-ray)

and yes, master Derek, the golden gods, I was not laughing at your jokes, but at laura's... Sorry.

Unknown said...

Reading all the past blogs and really realising who Laura is.
I like her. She's down to Earth. And blunt.
If only I could meet more people like that. Some one who hate stupid people and likes to laugh at them.
It'd be cool to meet her.

Another thing. Derek likes to ramble a lot. Good rambling. Most the time.

Unknown said...

Reading all the past blogs and really realising who Laura is.
I like her. She's down to Earth. And blunt.
If only I could meet more people like that. Some one who hate stupid people and likes to laugh at them.
It'd be cool to meet her.

Another thing. Derek likes to ramble a lot. Good rambling. Most the time.

Unknown said...

Reading all the past blogs and really realising who Laura is.
I like her. She's down to Earth. And blunt.
If only I could meet more people like that. Some one who hate stupid people and likes to laugh at them.
It'd be cool to meet her.

Another thing. Derek likes to ramble a lot. Good rambling. Most the time.

Octa said...

Hello there.

Octa said...

Ignore my last comment.

Octa said...

There are a lot of comments on this interview post.

Octa said...

A lot for the time of course.

Octa said...

Achievement completed.

TheSmilingCat said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Octa said...

*frowns*

Octa said...

The Zero Hero is here!

Octa said...

*hums*

Octa said...

Youtube is pretty great.

Octa said...

So is September.

Octa said...

A good name for a goldfish.

Octa said...

Or indeed a moth.

Octa said...

Like a month.

Octa said...

But with wings and no n.

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