The Laura Interview: Part Four

Coming towards the end of the interview, I sit back and grin. “Here’s a question that’s been suggested that I know you’ll love- how did you get to be the golden god's BFF?”

“Get lost," she says immediately, "I am not answering that. And the golden god? Really? Seriously? Why?”

“Because I’m awesome.”

“No you’re not.”

“Because I’m brilliant.”

“No, you’re not. They don’t know you like I know you. Next question.”

“In no way do I want to insult your folks, but are they anything like Valkyrie's parents?”

“No. My dad doesn’t do ridiculous things like Valkyrie’s dad. Valkyrie’s mum, we’ve never really got an insight into her, so I don’t know. The dad’s the weirdo so you tend to focus on him more, so I really can’t say.”

“The dad is more like my dad than yours.”

“Yeah. My dad’s very practical, very black and white.”

“Whereas my dad’s a rambler.”

“Yes he is. Abso-bloody-lutely.”

“Someone wants to know what type of car Valkyrie's parents drive. For some reason. I haven’t a clue. What do you think?”

“I’d say her dad drives a Toyota Avensis, and her mum drives a Renault Megane.”

“You’re so helpful. Okay, here’s one. What character am I most like?”

“You? Skulduggery. Straight up. There’s no other character.”

“Not even Gordon?” I ask. “A few readers seem to think he’s my alter ego.”

She shakes her head. “No. No way. You’re not like Gordon. If anything, your humour comes out in my least favourite character, Scapegrace. So that’s the irritating Derek. The cool Derek is Skulduggery. It’s true, though, isn’t it? Skulduggery is the exact same as you. Did you ever deny it?”

“No, never denied it... I mean, when I had the idea, when I was writing the book, and I knew I had to give it my full attention, it was always me and you. That’s who I had in my head when it all began. That’s the-”

“That’s the only relationship you’ve had where there was enough there to act as a basis for the characters.”

“Exactly. How sad is that?”

“Pretty damn sad.”

“Some of my Minions wonder if you read this Blog before this interview stuff started, but you didn’t, did you?”

“I didn’t realise you even had a blog until a few days ago. That’s terrible, isn’t it?”

“The fact is, you have never bothered to see any interviews I did on TV, you’ve never bought the newspapers I’m in, you’ve never even come to a signing, have you?”

“No, no, and no.”

“And it was only today that you saw the official Skulduggery website.”

“Is there a question here, or are you just slating me for being an awful friend?”

“I think that’s what I’m doing.”

“Well, I apologise. But I’m here now, showing an interest. This is me, showing an interest.”

“You don’t look particularly interested.”

“I’m comfortable. In the most uncomfortable chair in the world.”

“Ah, I see.”

“But the thing is, I don’t think I could watch you on TV, I think I’d just crack up laughing at the ridiculousness of it all. The same way, I couldn’t look at you with a queue of people standing in line, wanting your autograph. I’m just not awestruck by you, you know?”

“You should be.”

“Yeah.”

“I’m great.”

“You’re really not.”

“Have you ever tried, or even heard of, a tim tam?”

“No. What is it?”

“Apparently it’s a biscuit in Australia. I doubt it exists. I’m starting to doubt Australia exists. I think I may have dreamed it. How does it feel to have hundreds of people wanting you to do an interview?”

She smiles again, one of the broadest smiles of the night. “I think it’s absolutely bizarre. I think it’s bizarre that people are interested in you, for a start, and I think it’s even more bizarre that people are interested in me. I knew there were people who buy your books, but I didn’t know there was this huge awareness that Valkyrie was inspired by me. So when I first saw this blog, like, the day before yesterday, I just couldn’t believe that people actually cared, you know? I thought that a book is a book, you put it down when you finish it and that’s it. I didn’t think the interest in characters went beyond that. So it’s a little bit surreal.

“I’m very laid back about things like that, though. I don’t get excited by much. I’ve been logging on to the Blog since I discovered it, to see what’s happening, so obviously I am interested. It’s highly amusing.”

“And the fact that Valkyrie has proven herself to be such a popular character,” I say, “means that there are literally hundreds of thousands of people around the world who, you know, admire you, and who...”

“Who like me,” she laughs. “That is so weird. I think if I was lacking in something within myself, or if I were after fame and glory, then I’d let that go to my head, but I’m not either of those things. I’m quite comfortable with myself, so whether or not people like me, isn’t going to change anything, you know? Obviously it’s nice to know that there are people out there who do like me, or at least like the kind of person I am. It’s a hell of a lot better than finding out there are hundreds of thousands of people who hate me. But even if they didn’t like me, so what? I’m happy with who I am. I think I’m doing okay.”

“And that, right there, is who Valkyrie is, and that’s why she’s proven to be so popular. She doesn’t pretend to be something she’s not. I’ve called you a lot of things, most of the time when you’re not around...”

“Ha, I can imagine.”

“... but the one thing I regularly call you to your face is blunt.”

“Yeah. Everyone says that. I get that an awful lot. I’m blunt. Sometimes they call me harsh, and my mum says ‘Laura, you’re so intolerant’. And I am, I suppose, because I hate stupid people, and I hate fake people, and I can’t pretend to like people that I don’t like. My ass is numb from sitting in this chair, by the way. I want a cushion for next time. Next question. What time is it? I’m tired.”

“We’re almost done.”

“Are we?”

“No.” I consult my list of questions. “Do you think Valkyrie’s mum will have a boy or a girl?”

“I really don’t want her to have any kids, to be honest.”

“Really? Yet you have two sisters of your own...”

“Well yeah, but it’s not going to be Valkyrie’s sister, is it? The reflection is going to spend the most amount of time with her, and that’s just not right. It’s not like Valkyrie’s going to take her little sister out on adventures with her, a little two-year old sidekick. But I think it’s going to be a girl, because I have sisters, and you have nieces... Do you know what it’s going to be?”

“Nope.”

“I bet it’ll be a girl. I have that feeling.”

“Okay, every week I get at least five or six girls asking me if they can audition for the part of Valkyrie in the movie. And just to make it clear, we still don’t know if the movie will, in fact, ever be MADE, so there are no auditions PLANNED. But do you wonder what it’ll be like to see someone play, essentially, you, onscreen?”

“Yeah, I do. I think I’m going to be very skeptical of that person. I mean, I’m not going to have a say in the matter, or how she portrays Val, so I think there’d be a lot of tongue-biting going on. You know how vocal I tend to be about things, so I think it’d be a struggle to stay quiet and watch them get on with it. It’s going to be weird. But it’s the same with you, like. If you see something you hate you’re going to be freaked out and horrified, but there’s a certain point where you just won’t have a say anymore, you know? So the only thing you can do is complain about it to me. But you know what I mean? It’s because all of a sudden it stops being yours and becomes someone else’s.”

“If the movie DOES happen, who would you like to see playing the parts?”

“Em... okay. For China, you know who I think it should be, Catherine Zeta Jones. With China, obviously she’s beautiful, but it’s not really about looks, it has to be about the attitude, as well.

“For Ghastly, someone like Vinnie Jones, or someone like that. Someone big. God, it’s really weird, I’ve never thought about this. It’s really strange putting real faces on these fictional characters. Em... for Kenspeckle, that guy who played the granddad in Into The West...”

“David Kelly.”

“Is that who it is? He’s really good, because he’s always so busy, you know? Always so preoccupied. For Skulduggery... I don’t know. You’d have to go with my main one, which is Johnny Depp. It’s just... Johnny does eccentric really, really well, but although Skulduggery is quirky, he’s not all that mad, like. He’s not on the Jack Sparrow and Willy Wonka level of eccentricity. He’s more of a Sherlock Holmes. And I also love Robert Downey Junior. He was incredible in that movie. For Billy-Ray... it’d be Brad Pitt in Fight Club. I don’t know if I’ve answered that question. I find it hard to put real faces to the characters, because for so long they’ve been in my head. It’s just weird, you know?”

“There’s a good question here. I’ve had two movies made, of which you’ve only seen ONE of them.”

“Mm hmm.”

“You haven’t seen my second movie?”

“No. In my defense, you didn’t bring me to it. You only brought me to the first one.”

“Yet more proof regarding what a rubbish friend you are. Right, anyway, my Minions want to know, seeing as how I’ve had movies made, I’ve written books, I’ve won awards, I’ve toured around the world... What will it take for me to impress you?”

There is a long, long silence.

“You so want to know this as well,” she says, eyes narrowed. “Listen, I am impressed. I mean, I’ve told you before, ‘God you’re good at this’. You do impress me. But, everyone is always telling you how brilliant you are, so it’s up to me to keep you grounded. Of course I’m impressed by you. You’ve done amazing things, and you’ve... Okay, I refuse to elaborate on that because everyone spends all day telling you how absolutely wonderful you are, you have hundreds or, I don't know, thousands of people who read your Blog and call you a golden god... I think the day that you tell me something and I jump around and scream ‘oh my God I can’t believe it, that’s amazing’, will be the day you say Laura, get out of my house.”

“I can’t wait for that day.”

“Yeah, right. You’d be lost without me.”

“Okay, here’s the last one. Someone wants to know if Mr. Landy- that’s me- is really such a freaky person in real life or is it all just a funny act for his Minions?”

“Oh he’s a complete and utter lunatic. There is absolutely nothing normal about him, whatsoever. His ego is the size of a double-decker bus. He absolutely adores the fact that he has Minions, and his little Blog just allows him to play out his ‘I’m a god’ fantasies in real life.”

“You are horrible to me.”

“True, but are you going to argue with any of that? This whole thing allows you to have your army, and to have all these people listen to you, and it means you can act the way you wouldn’t be able to act in a normal social situation.”

“That is horrible.”

“It’s true.”

“It’s a little bit true,” I admit. “I am great.”

She frowns. “What? No, that’s not what I said.”

“That’s exactly what you said.”

“That’s not what I said at all.”

“I’m pretty great. I think we can agree on that.”

“I definitely don’t think that that’s the way I want this interview to end.”

“Cool. So we can agree?”

“No, we are not agreeing.”

“And that’s how the interview finishes.”

“You appear to have totally missed the point.”

“Thank you.”

“My God, you’re impossible.”

“You want my autograph?”

“I hate you.”

And with that, Laura stands up, stretches, and right before she manages to turn the microphone off she asks, "Can I borrow the jeep tonight?"

Because THAT is why we are friends. She gets to borrow my jeep and return it days later with an EMPTY TANK.

Ahem.

I’d love to get her back on here, because I had so much fun doing this, so maybe sometime in the future she’ll agree to write a guest-Blog. If we ask her nicely.

However, no matter how nicely I’ve asked, she refuses to let me post a photograph of her. I think she’s very, very mean.