New Arrivals

I am an uncle.

I do not know why I have been chosen to be an uncle, but the Fates have decided that it is a title I needed, and so they have furnished me with a set of nieces. From the photograph, the nieces look fine, if a bit pink and splodgy. My sister is happy and her husband is confused, but then he is always confused.

(I know you’re reading this, Will, and I don’t care.)

I have tried, oh how I have tried, to impress upon them the need for names that will inspire awe, respect, and fear in those around them. Long have I struggled to make them understand that the names Derekina and Dereketta are perfectly valid names for girls, and any set of twins would be lucky to have them. When these suggestions were shot down, I brought out the proverbial big guns.

“Valkyrie,” I said. “And Tanith.”

My sister looked at me, shaking her head, unwilling to even contemplate the greatness these names would bestow. Her husband looked at me, bewildered, for that is his natural state, and he does it well.

(I told you I do not CARE, Will.)

I think “Valkyrie” is a wonderful name for a girl. What girl out there wouldn't like to be called this? It is truly impressive, and would spur the owner of the name to feats of heroism and bravery in the face of insurmountable odds. My sister claimed that the only reason I wanted the twins named thusly was because I saw a chance for a set of living, breathing advertisements for my books. This is not wholly untrue, but it was marginally hurtful.

I assure you, dear blog reader, that if the twins had been a set of boys, I would have been equally voracious about my attempts to have them named “Skulduggery” and “Ghastly”, for that is my level of dedication to my work.

I informed my agent of the joyous news regarding the pink splodgy babies, and she remarked how life may well begin to imitate rather well-written art- providing my younger sister has a baby girl in a few months time. Then THAT girl would grow up, like Valkyrie, with a set of twins for cousins and a writer for an uncle. Could she be destined for greatness? Could she have a dark and mysterious path to follow? Am I going to be murdered, only to return to the story as a slightly annoying recording somewhere?

Probably.

Personally, I think my younger sister is going to have a boy. In fact, even if she has a girl, I will treat the child like a boy until the child is fourteen, at which time I shall pretend she is invisible, just to see how that affects her mind. It should be funny, at the very least.

The names, by the way, for the twins. Rebecca and Emily. Lovely names. They’ll grow up adoring me, which is only right.

I leave now, with the news that the twins are not the only additions to the Landy clan. Tomorrow I shall be picking up two Staffordshire Bull Terriers from the Pound. They are aged nine and eleven, both so old and arthritic they can barely move. I simply do not know why I am adopting these completely useless dogs. Could they defend the house from burglars? Only if the burglars move really, really slowly, and were afraid of being licked to death. The older one is so arthritic her front legs are literally turned inwards, so she trips herself up when she walks. Amusing.

Their names, by the way, were not chosen by me. The nine year old is Sherlock. A fine name. The eleven year old is Mable. I am seriously considering changing it to Murder, or Madhead, in a vain effort not to appear to be a ninety year old woman.