Monday, July 22, 2013

Can't Think Of A Title For This Post

It's getting harder and harder to find the time to watch movies these days, so you'd think my criteria for the films I DO get to watch would improve, right? Like, I should probably make the decision to ONLY watch movies that have a chance of being actually good, and to stay away from films I've heard are terrible. Right? Right.

But where's the fun in that?

Besides, adopting such a sensible attitude to movie-watching would have robbed me of the delight of realising that two films I expected to be absolute rubbish turned out to be surprisingly good fun. Let's take the first one— a sequel to one of the worst films I've seen in the last few years.

GI Joe: The Rise of Cobra was an awful film. I mean, it was just dreadful. It was so bad that I felt compelled to talk about it on this very Blog, way back in 2009. Here is what I said about it:

"I now hate this movie, for it is awful. It is worse than X-Men 3. It is even worse than Transformers 2. I have not hated a film so much since I saw Van Helsing. Van Helsing was directed by the same man. There are lessons in life I should learn, and yet learn them I do not."

Ah, good times. This was back when I was writing Dark Days. What a fantastic book that was.

Sorry, where was I? Oh yes.

The first GI Joe was horrible. It had a stupid story and stupid action and stupid characters and everything was stupid. It had the worst CGI I'd seen in a long time and they'd taken a monumentally dumb approach to the whole thing. They gave the Joes super robot suits, for god's sake.

So naturally, knowing how much I hated the first one, I went ahead and watched the sequel. And maybe it's because I expected it to be every bit as bad— but it was actually pretty cool.

The story was still dumb. COBRA'S ultimate plan was just daft. But there were so many cool bits in it. The ninjas on the mountain. Adrianne Palicki jogging. Cobra Commander's AWESOME outfit. Adrianne Palicki in the red dress. Bruce Willis and his house of guns. Adrianne Palicki doing stuff.

And the two best scenes were between the Rock and Channing Tatum. The video game and the sharpshooting. Funny writing, funny performances- if every scene was as good as these two, it would have been an amazing movie. As it was, it was fun, action-packed, quite stupid, but there is NOTHING about it you'd hate after watching it.

Oh, but there is ONE moment I should mention. To show how high tech the Joes are, they're given all these cool gadgets at the start. One of these gadgets is a pair of gloves that MELTS THROUGH a chainlink fence. Melts THROUGH it! How awesome is that?? No more waiting around for the extra few seconds while they cut through the fence with stupid, old-fashioned fence cutters! No way! Now they save VITAL SECONDS by using these gloves! And the best thing? THEY GLOW BRIGHT ORANGE! So instead of dumb soldiers cutting through a fence with stupid fence cutters in the dark, being all sneaky and stuff, now the Joes can cut through the fence and alert any enemy within a five mile radius to their presence at the same time! Yippee!

(But apart from this moment of dumbness, it's not a bad movie. I swear.)

And the other film I thought would be awful was Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters.

I heard this was diabolical. It's not. There are parts of this that are SO COOL. The witches are the best witches ever in the world EVER. They're evil and hideous but no two are alike. The make-up is brilliant. Famke Janssen is the head witch, and it takes guts to turn one of the most beautiful women in the world into a hideous monster, but they do it, and she's utterly brilliant.

It's a lovely idea at its core— what would Hansel and Gretel be like when they grew up?— and while it's set in a vague time, hundreds of years ago, the language and the music are modern day, which adds to the anarchic quality of it all.  That said, the American accents sported by Jeremy Renner and Gemma Arterton are a tad distracting, especially seeing as how everyone else has a thick European accent. But come on... Renner's cool and Gemma Arterton is Gemma Arterton. Mmmm Gemma Arterton...

Word of warning, though. This looks like a family film, like a slightly dark fairytale, but it's not. It revels in bad language and gore. There are exploding heads a-plenty. So naturally I loved it.


I don't know if I'd ever watch either of these movies for a second time, but they were pretty damn good the first time out. Which was a really nice surprise.


4,990 comments:

  1. I plan to see Hansel and Gretel, actually. Not the other ones, though, simply because I don't feel like it.

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  2. 3rd! I want to see Hansel and Gretel, but I need to find a time when my younger brother isn't at home...
    P
    Plus, hey peoples!

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  3. Hansel and Gretel is sooooo good. It got a lot of bad reviews but it's literally exactly what it looks like on the tin: hot leather-clad twins shooting witches with Gatling guns and getting covered with blood and gore. And it's amazing.

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  6. DEREK I DEMAND YOU ANSWER MY QUESTIONS

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  7. Ari, we should keep fighting in the other window...

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  8. YEAH GET ON TWITTER DEREK

    *raises glass*
    TO DEREK, THE GOLDEN GOD!
    CHEERS

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  9. I don't have a twitter!! Darn it, Derek, talk here!!!

    #ChaseForBook9

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  10. *shakes fist at Derek* ANSWER ME, MON!

    THE QUESTIONS
    THAT LUCE
    GAVE TO YOU

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  11. Hello? Derek, would you please be kind and answer us?

    Oh, also, Derek, I wondering, are you going to see the Wolverine movie? I want to, but I'm not sure if it will be a failure....

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  12. *uber ultra pokes Derek* I also got you souvenirs from Seattle. Along with Val. >:D

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  13. whats up guys, WarZone is back :D, i cant wait to see the wolverine

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  15. wait, why didnt i just tell you that, you're right next to me

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  17. The only reason I liked the first GI Joe was because the 9th Doctor played the bad guy ^_^ And Hansel and Gretel was pretty poor in my opinion. Sure, the effects were cool, the guns were fantastic (if a little unbeleiveable) the witches were awesome, but the story - the story was way to simple! I guessed each and every thing that happened so easily. And then the movie was over. It was so short! I felt a bit ripped off actually :(

    Can't wait for Last Stand of Dead Men by the way, Derek. So excited!

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  18. Hi people!

    How is life?

    Right now I'm mad because BBC hasn't released the 50th anniversary DW trailer to the public, only to comic con attendees.

    Suspense is killing me.
    :D

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  19. did anyone see WWZ? no i didnt mean to kick u

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  21. ATGHHDHSBBSJSGU. CURSE YOU BBC

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  23. later guys, im reading WWZ, the book is great, gtg, pe time

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  24. I think I would read WWZ before I watched the movie. I've been hearing that the book is way deeper than the movie.

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  25. Adra - you put my thoughts into words.

    Other than that, I'm good! Summer's kind of boring, because all my fav tv shows and books don't come out 'til the fall.

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  26. the book is way deeper, its amazing, i need to read the last new jk rowling books next

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  27. Dragon, it's because I have impeccable timing

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  28. Adra, haha yes, you do.

    War, I heard the new book was great! I feel bad for her though, because she was writing with a pen name that got leaked by one of her agents or publishers or something. She was really mad.

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  29. Do you think she wanted to know how well she'd do without her Harry Potter fame?

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  30. Hansel & Gretal awesome movie !! U got damn good taste in movies Derek!

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  31. Raechel, I think she wanted to start over, and have her writing be acclaimed without the fact that people are reading her books because she's a famous success story. If that makes any sense.

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  33. Is anyone still there? Helloooooooo?

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  34. I'm here! Just distant.

    #ChaseForBook9

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  35. Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii! Sorry, I'm bored. So what's new in blogland? I haven't been in the comments section for a while.

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  36. *grins* YOURE GOING DOWN TESLA

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  37. Um... What just happened? Did I do something?

    #ChaseForBook9

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  38. Um, no. Just what Dragon said


    And the other commenrs

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  39. Yeah, sorry, hi again Dragon. Dad asked me to go help put the new trampoline together :P
    As for what new in blogland, I've been writing a lot on my blog /shrug. Lot's of new fantasy short stories based on games of Dungeons and Dragons that I play with my friends. One of the characters is actually named Dragonheart! :D

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  40. lots of movies with terrible ratings are actually good. Like Superman. Lots of movies that are given high ratings are actually stupid. Like, this one movie that I saw.

    So now my brothers and I go by this rule and we're probably going to see the lone ranger anytime soon.

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  41. Well, Dragon, roleplaying made a rapid, dramatic comeback, but that started causing a huge division in Blogland, and a few people left and the rest of us are trying to figure out how to fix everything again.

    #ChaseForBook9

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  42. Raechel - Really? *grins* That's awesome!

    Thrust- I wanted to see superman, but my friends told me it was terrible, so I'm waiting for the ondemand release.

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  43. Tesla- wait, what?! That's a bit not good.....

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  44. No it isn't... Everyone is kinda upset and hurt

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  45. All my favorite fandoms have been arguing lately. :/
    On g+, one of the Sherlock fandoms had a massive blowout on posting Johnlock shipping pics.

    Honestly, we're all fans, and we're all friends, so we should all be able to get along and compromise.

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  46. Dragonheart - Awesome! Please don't be shy about commenting too. I love all forms of feedback. I may one day publish all the shorts in one big book (hopefully). But at the moment I think I'll just concentrate on my real novel, Soulless. You can see the synopsis for it on my blog too if you want ^_^

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  47. Nyehhhhh Ari where'd you go :3 I wanted to see the epic conclusion!

    Msd

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  48. *sighs* Yeah, no kidding. It's definitely not good. We're... We're just trying to work it out.

    #ChaseForBook9

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  49. Well, hopefully things will work out ok. It makes me sad because we're all here to discuss about a series we enjoy, so why get mad at each other. Its much more fun when everyone gets along...

    Raechel, cool! I'm going to do it tomorrow though, cuz I'm going to bed.

    Night people!! :D

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  50. Accidentally pulls the f-bomb in front of mother*
    *both die laughing*

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  51. Yay, new comment space! We were running out!

    #ChaseForBook9

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  52. Understatement of the century :3

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  53. I'm grand, about to take a 6 hour flight overnight to Texas... n'you?

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  54. OMHG!!!

    these names are so odd, i went on a random name generator and these are what i got...

    Joaquin Crisp
    Avery Rankin
    Marcel Atchison
    Buster Collazo
    Sydney Samson
    Barrett Damico
    Olin Ambrose
    Rashad Means
    Odell Hurd
    Mervin Clegg

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  55. all mens' names, because i'm trying to find a name for a male character

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  56. Try Seventh Sanctum if you want generators. It has a ton of cool ones :O

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  57. Hi Snow! *glomps* *Laughs* Some of those names are pretty cool actually.
    Adra; Ooh, hope you like Texas. Can you kidnap Billy-Ray for me while you're there? :P

    #ChaseForBook9

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  58. Tory Gamez.... that cannot be a real name!!!

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  59. Brooks Craven - that just reminds me of skulduggery!!!

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  60. Raechel; Hi! I don't think we've met before. *hugs* :)
    Adra; Me? Eh. Tired. Sick of quakes :(
    Snow; I swear I've heard that name before...

    #ChaseForBook9

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  61. I wonder if Skulduggery's given name was Derek Landy XD

    #ChaseForBook9

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  62. Hi people! Just popping in to say that I'm still here!

    #ChaseForBook9

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  63. *hugs Saph* where are you again?

    And it's on the way back from WA

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  64. Hey Ari! *tacklehugs* Good to see you again :)

    #ChaseForBook9

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  65. Adra; I live in Central NZ. There was a big earthquake yesterday, so there's been a constant stream of aftershocks ever since. It's driving me INSANE.

    #ChaseForBook9

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  66. Good to see you, too! *sneakyassassintacklehugs everyone*

    #ChaseForBook9

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  67. Hi Saph! No I don't think we've met *squeezy hugs*
    I come on here sometimes, but generally I don't get to chat much. It's nice to talk to other fans ^_^

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  68. *Is sneakyassassintacklehugged* :)

    #ChaseForBook9

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  69. *strolls into room*

    ab hoc momento pendet aeternitas & carpe diem & all that jazz...

    i guess there is carpe jugulem (seize the throat), but thats a tad bit murderus, dont you think?

    *turns to saph*

    *bows*

    Leonardo Rayburn, at your service.

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  70. Hm. You know what? I think I might have actually decided on my taken name lol. What do you guys think of Russet Quill?

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  71. *Grins* At my service? Really? Can you bake me a skulcake then? :P
    Raechel; Yeah, I love chatting to other SP fans online. It makes me feel a little more normal :)

    #ChaseForBook9

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  72. (cool Raechel.... have we actually met??? *thrust hand out* snow)

    sounds marvelous, madam Raechel!

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  73. Russet Quill. I like it. Cool name.

    #ChaseForBook9

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  74. Russet Quill? Hmm. It sounds cool. I don't know you that well, so I don't know if it suits you or not. You could always change it later though :)

    #ChaseForBook9

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  75. *turns to aretha*

    hello, Aretha Tesla. *bows*

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  76. *grins*

    i am really sick of acting nobel now!!

    i was trying to make a good first impression, but to hello with it!

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  77. *scowls*

    *pokes saph*

    i made a mistake, missy!

    *grins*

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  78. My, that's fancy. I didn't know anybody aside from Niccolo still did the bowing thing... Cool! *offers hand* Hello, Leandro.

    #ChaseForBook9

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  79. Leandro - No, I don't think we've met either *shakes hand* :)

    Saph - I dunnno about normal lol. I really like Skulduggery, but not as much as other people it seems. They just get SO excited. I try to play the cool fan :P (although there are times when I do get spazzy and freak out lol)

    Aretha - Thanks ^_^

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  80. Aretha... i dont belive i have met this "Niccolo"

    *looks at hand*

    *turns to saph*

    what am i suposed to do here?

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  81. *appears next to Leandro* You're meant to shake it.

    #ChaseForBook9

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  82. I think I have to go now :( Goodbye everyone! *hugs*

    #ChaseForBook9

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  83. ( i am bored, i am role playing, so it's actually Snow... :/)


    *grins*

    *hugs aretha*

    to heck with sophistication!

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  84. Bye, Saph!
    *is hugged* Oh. Ok, then.

    #ChaseForBook9

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  86. now, Niccolo, nice to meet you!!

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  87. *grins at aretha*

    i'll try!!

    hmm....

    *spys a tree*

    i think i am going to climb that tree!!

    *runs up to tree and swings self up, branch by branch, sitting on highest branch*

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  88. Hi, Leandro!

    Sorry, we were almost mugged. Fun day. Still msd

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  89. Pleasure to meet you as well. May I ask where you were before you came here? Merely out of curiosity, of course- I have had little social interaction for the past 500 years, yet even I am familiar with the practice of shaking hands.

    #ChaseForBook9

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  90. What?! Who tried to mug you??

    #ChaseForBook9

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  91. Niccolo - i was.... somewhere dark.... *shrugs*

    Adra - *winks* who tried to mug you, elder??

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  92. ( what do you think of this story???

    A Hat Like No Other

    There once was a hat.
    But this hat was not like any other.
    This hat was of remarkable design.
    And this hat sat on a blond head.
    The face underneath the hair had blue eyes.
    The rest of the face is beautiful, carved from stone.
    The skin looks slightly waxy.
    This man wears an exquisite suit, expertly made.
    This man has magic running through his veins.
    Even though this man has no veins.
    He is a skeleton.
    His skin looks waxy because it is magically generated.
    This man, this skeleton, is the best detective in Ireland.
    Maybe even the world.
    And this is what makes this hat special.

    :D)

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  93. ... I was being serious. That place was serious sketch.

    A guy came up asking for money and kept pressing. Stupidly, my brother took out his wallet and I knew that he was about to take it... Lord knows what else. ARGH.

    So, let's take a head count,
    Potential murderer
    Drug deal
    Potential mugger
    Transvestite drag boy scantily dressed

    And just a lot of sketchy people.

    *bangs head on wall*

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  94. *stairs at adra*

    oh... oh thats not good...

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  95. Not to mention creepy guys. SO

    IM READY FOR MY 12 AT NIGHT FLIGHT TO HOUSTON.

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  96. Hey, Adra- I wrote a few chapters about me being imprisoned in Alastair's mind for MC, and I'm wondering whether I should write a new one for Nameless Attempt or repost the ones I've already written. What should I do?

    #ChaseForBook9

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  97. ( sorry i'm roleplay so much, i'm just getting ready for drama)

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  98. Don't apologize for roleplaying! We're all pretty intense roleplayers here, actually.

    #ChaseForBook9

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  99. (thanks ari, *huggles* incase you didnt realizes, it's snow!!)

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  100. I don't mean in all of Blogland- I was referencing me, Adra, and Niccolo.

    #ChaseForBook9

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  101. I know! I just wanted to make sure you know it's fine.

    #ChaseForBook9

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  102. (deathy should get on *nods*. leandro would get along with deathy. leandro likes trees)

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  103. Deathy is on! Previous post!

    #ChaseForBook9

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  105. The post we were leaving comments in before Derek made this post. Death is there.

    #ChaseForBook9

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  106. (deathy!!! *huggles*)

    *calles from top of tree* Hello miss Death!!

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  108. Trees are fun *long-distance nods*

    *looks at aretha*

    get in the tree!!! *grins*

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  109. ( you do realize, no one said what they thought of a hat like no other... :( )

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  110. Uhm... *shrugs* Ok. *climbs into tree*

    #ChaseForBook9

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  111. (Oh! Sorry!! I thought it was funny!)

    #ChaseForBook9

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  113. YAY!!! Miss Aretha is in the tree!!!!

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  114. *looks at deathy*

    YAY!!! TREE PARTY!!!!


    WOOP
    WOOP
    WOOP

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  115. Why is that special...?

    #ChaseForBook9

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  116. I don't need no tree. Tree powers activate! *turns into tree*

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  117. (OMFG!!!!!!!! ASDF QUOTE!!!!!!!!! I LOVE YOU!!!!!! (aaf) )

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  118. Hey guys this is ADRA my phone died but ill be back soon! BEAR WITH ME
    and our convos are not over

    And ari-nameless

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  119. (i have to go... :(... will be back in 30 min though!! *huggles all* byee!!)

    *climbs down tree and goes*

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  120. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  121. I am very confused right now...

    #ChaseForBook9

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  122. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  125. backkkk
    going to go back to normal now!

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  126. Hello?

    King Lear was amazing, one of their better performances.

    Haven't seen either movie, probably never will, considering the fact that I never see movies.

    If there was an SP movie, though, I'd see it (duh!).

    #ChaseForBook9

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  127. SNOW

    I ****ing hate family outings, though... I wish I could go see the play just by myself, without the ****ing arguments and rubbish navigational skills of both my parents.

    But the actual play was excellent.

    #ChaseForBook9

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  128. *breathes out* Hang on, lemme take a sec to catch up

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  129. *hugs Fabi*

    And Ari, I meant whichever suggestion you made for the Nameless blog... For the stories with you in Alastiar's head

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  130. Hi Adra! Looks like you survived!

    @Snow Yeah. I'm gonna make them let me navigate this time.

    #ChaseForBook9

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  131. That was the most painful thing I've ever done.
    *glances around* Ah, Aretha's gone, isn't she? Damn. :P We were semi- in the middle of an RP.

    CURSE YOU, PHONE BATTERY

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  132. ya....*shrug*

    i was bored so i became a guy and was having a crazy tree party

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  133. *laughs* I saw, I was going to participate, but... Well...

    Phone battery :(

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  134. Phone batteries have a bad sense of time. [Scowls]

    I still need to read back in the comments, wbd.

    #ChaseForBook9

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  135. i... i dont know where that star came from...

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  136. Alright...

    It came from the computer, presumably?

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  137. life must hate you at the moment adra!!! *huggles*

    there there

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  138. *laughs* Ta, but news to me.

    *pokes Snow* HERRO

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  139. *pokes adra back*

    HERRO TO YOU TOO!!! *grins*

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  140. So. *sips drink* Who do you liiiiikkkeeeee?

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  141. ??

    say what???????????????????????????????????????????

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  142. Sorry I poofed! Had to take medicine.

    Tasted bad so I made a milkshake, too. Probably not supposed to do that... Oopsie! [laughs]

    Anyway, I'm back.

    #ChaseForBook9

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  143. IDEA!!!

    blogland truth or dare!!!!

    wjos in?

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  144. *wags eyebrows* Any crushes? Boys? Girls? Dogs? Cats/ Chickens? Wookies?

    hey Fabi :3

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  145. [Shrugs]

    [Leans against a tree and sips milkshake]

    #ChaseForBook9

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  146. *shrugs as well* that's fine! I'm just ready for action as well .Whichever works

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  147. Someone on Google+ tagged a photo of Chewbacca as my dad. XD
    I think it was meant to be an insult, but he found it funny, so...

    #ChaseForBook9

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  148. -.-

    you two are no fun...

    but i shall ask anyway!!

    and in answer to your question adra.... Don, i like a guy called Don ;) SHHH!!! (he is in my class)

    now, fabi, truth or dare

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  149. I SHIP IT

    I SHIP
    I SHIP
    SON?

    no.. Dnow? No....

    Snon? Idk

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  150. :DD

    if i was there, i would do my clasic dare, but, alas, i am not... so, i dare you to...... change your name to "Fabi ~ i heart [insert name of crush here]"

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  151. hmm.... 5 comments

    and nice ;)

    carl is a cool name

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  152. [Laughs]
    Okay then. 5 comments it is.

    And yeah, though I also know a jerk named Carl, so the name doesn't really mean much, I suppose.

    Adra, truth or dare?

    #ChaseForBook9

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  153. Okay....

    If you had to attack someone using an item found in your refridgerator, what would your weapon of choice be?

    #ChaseForBook9

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  154. (psst.... say the refrigerator...)

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  155. Psst! I'd say...

    My brother's cooking



    Snow, T/D?

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  156. I DARE YOU TO PANTS THE NEXT BLOGLANDIAN TO GET ON

    NOW I MUST GO!

    BOARDING

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