Every year, my family tell me they don't know WHAT they're going to get me, and every year we have a great big laugh about it. But every year I think ah, THIS is the year. This is the year when they DO know what to get me, but they're all PRETENDING they don't. They're all conspiring with each other, pooling their money and resources, going that extra mile to get me the thing that will make me happy, whatever it may be. It's all a surprise, I think to myself. It's all a wonderful surprise and on Christmas Day when I've handed them their really really expensive gifts and I'm standing to one side while they ooh and ahh and laugh and hug, they're suddenly going to turn around and say Derek, surprise! We have what you've always wanted!
And then they show me a parcel beneath the tree and I fall to my knees, and with trembling hands I slowly tear the paper and lo... the most perfect present ever in the history of the world. And I am happy.
This year my mother got me a dart board.
She got me a dart board because, obviously, she knows how much I secretly love darts. She has cleverly read between the lines during each of our many conversations throughout the year- conversations in which darts have not been mentioned one single time- and she figured out that what I really wanted for Christmas, the thing that will finally make my life complete, is a great big dart board.
Mother, I think it is safe to say you have excelled yourself this year. Well done.
My brother and sisters, meanwhile, all got together and arranged an aircraft simulation lesson- where you sit in a cockpit thingy and take off and land a plane without actually, you know, being IN a plane. Well, they ALMOST did that. What they ACTUALLY did was hand me a piece of paper with all this written down. They got me a SUGGESTION for Christmas.
Now, to you, this mightn't sound that bad. You might be thinking hey, they didn't know if Derek would be interested in this, so they suggested it, and if he seemed agreeable, they'd go off and book it. And this, dear Minion, would a reasonable thing for you to think.
Unless you remember a few years ago where my sisters told me that what they were going to do for me that Christmas was renovate my bathroom. Oh wow, said I. A bathroom renovation, just what I've always wanted. A bathroom renovation as done by two pregnant women with no prior history of bathroom renovations, nor indeed any relevant knowledge of said undertaking. I just couldn't get any luckier.
And if you remember that, you may also remember that they never actually got around to doing it.
And you may also remember that last year, in some feeble attempt to make up for it, they got me a bath mat and towel. For Christmas. Between the two of them.
It wasn't all terrible disappointment and quiet tears when no one was looking, because today was also the day of Doctor Who and The Snowmen!
I'm not entirely sure who the villain was or what the logic was, and I thought Richard E Grant could have been used SO much better, but it was fast and funny and Matt Smith is great and Jenna Louise Coleman is... is...
Jenna Louise Coleman is just so PRETTY.
I know, I know, I have a history with Amy Pond. We were close. We were even in love, for a while. But times change. People change. They move on. I've moved on. I love Amy, I do, and she will always have a special place in my heart...
But Jenna Louise Coleman is just so PRETTY.
I... I think I love Jenna Louise Coleman. I think THAT is what I got for Christmas.
God (or whatever random deity you might acknowledge) bless us, every one.
Posts
4,931 comments:
«Oldest ‹Older 801 – 1000 of 4931 Newer› Newest»Hey guys!
Chinomon?
Yes, I remember. But things do change. It is the mark of being human. I am a reflection. I suffer no such consequence. Oh wait. I do. Dammmit.
Ember, things like Chinduggerith, and Valith, and Chinith, and Tanduggery.
Chinduggery I get, but not Chinduggerith. Besides, these would be fine, but I don't like Tanith or Ghastly in general.
Yeah, Chinomon (Solomon Wreath/China)
Nix, that sounds like it would be interesting.
And now Lynxia is rarely on...
Damn this double commenting. It won't go fully so I click it again and it double comments.
Gah!
EMBER! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU??
xP
Ahh.
Hi Jubi!
Hi Kessie!
soo HOW WAS EVERYONES CHRISTMAS!
Hey jubi.
(yes... I'm awkwardly changing the subject for no reason...)
Hi Jubi! Christmas was OK.
Hi Eden!
and Hi Ember who ever else is on!
And nothing is wrong with me, besides my strange adoration for Mycroft.
*Hi Ember AND who ever else is on
Mine was great I spent most of the day playing snooker and pool with my uncle and grandad and watching my brother get Siri to call him sexy.
hahaha!
Eden: How do you do that? Teach me!!!!
My Christmas was epic, and filled with sugar! How was yours?
*throws knife at Jubi for awkwardly changing subject*
You don't do it awkwardly, you do it SMOOOOOTHLY!
OH MY GOD! I FINALY FOUND NY PHONE! I LOST IT AND NOW I FOUND IT AND JUBI IS NOW HAPPY!! :D :D
No, you don't do it like that, you have to do it wearing a hat.
What kind of hat?
*puts on every hat in Blogland*
Mycroft as in sherlocks brother because I believe that with all his deductions the laziness still makes him useless as shown I. The case of the Greek interpreter.
*lights a fire*
Okay, the snooker or the Siri thing?
*dodges knife*
erm... my Christmas was great! I got a bunch of clothes... n this funky alarm clock that charges my phone and vibrates my pillow...
and a bunch of clothes..
i already said that..
Eden: Definitely! I agree with you. Sherlock is much more valuable because he actually GETS. STUFF. DONE.
But I just like Mycroft better.
haha! Mycroft and his amazing umbrella
SEASON
3
NNOOOWW!!
The Siri thing.
And also I think that I like Mycroft better because he's smarter (even though he doesn't apply himself.)
Does that say anything about me? XD
Fire? I LIKE fire...
*sticks face in front of fire*
Ow!
*jumps back*
smooth Kessie...
Is it weird I get the urge to kill all of you?
Okay you set up a contact with your name
Shut up.
Ah nix you just think that but deep down you like us.
Kessie, That's one of the many things that I have trouble doing...
Nix: Yes.
Jubi: I know!!! And we only get three episodes every year!
Nix, not at all.
I would think that as a former insane murderer(what makes someone a FORMER murderer?) it would happen quite often.
GAAHH!!! *runs around screaming for season 3*
They were in Nye's room/office. By they, I mean Skulduggery, Helen the puppy, and Katharine the cat. And they were knocking everything over.
Beakers of acid were shattered. Furniture had been overturned. Paper was everywhere. Poisonous mixtures were mixing together on the floor. And Skulduggery was loving every minute of it.
That is, until Nye walked in. Then Skulduggery loved it even more.
"Hello, you old bugger," Skulduggery laughed. "Having as much fun as I am right now?"
Skulduggery expected Nye's face to twist in anger. It didn't. It froze.
And then it screamed.
"OH MY GOD! GET THEM OUT OF HERE!" Nye squeaked, trying to climb up on his laboratory table. "OUT! OUT!"
Skulduggery pried Helen off his leg. "Um. Why?"
""I'm...AH...AHHHH...AHHCHOOOO! ALLERGIC!" Nye sneezed, spraying snot all over Skulduggery, who immediately ran out of the room to go look for a bathroom.
At that moment, Valkyrie, Mist, Ghastly, and Ravel ran into the room.
Valkyrie whooped. "Thank you Nye, you found them!"
"TAKE THEM OUT!" Nye wailed, sobbing and sniffling. He started breaking out in green and orange spots. "SERIOUSLY!"
And then Katharine climbed up Ravel's clothes.
"Hello, adorable thing," he cooed, and then she scratched his face.
He dropped her in shock. "YOU JUST TEMPORARILY RUINED MY GOOD LOOKS!" He stepped on her with all his might and she was squished.
The entire room was silent, except that Mist started clapping happily. "Let's go dissect the dog!" she laughed, and Ravel and her grabbed some of the instruments that had fallen on the floor.
*thinks*
Should I try?
Ember, that's... lovely...
Just one thing nye has no nose so therefore no snot.
To kill us all? I would rather not die, if its all the same to you. As for the rest of them...*shrugs*
If you kill me my flying dolphin horse will kill you.... You won't want that
Heh.
Jubi, why do you have a dolphin horse?
I don't really mind as long as your quick about it.
But then again I'm sure the conversation would be good if you took your time.
*steps out of the way*
This should be interesting.
*laughs*
I love killing Dolphin Horses
Kes, want popcorn?
Kes, one last thing
Should I go all out?
Hey Jubi, who's on your team?
You have...experience? In killing dolphin horses?
*Takes out book and shows it to nix *
How to stop killing people for dummies
It's time to admit you have a problem and we're here for you.
*falls over laughing at Eden's comment*
I must warn you Nix. I have rice.
*looks down*
Yeah. I still have rice!
Nix...um...yes?
*runs and hides in the furthest corner of Blogland*
Now, yes.
*scowls*
Yeah, I'm going all out
Can I have the salt off the popcorn ember?
*grins*
Now, who wants to be first to die?
*gets out camera* Nix, forgive me for being an idiot, but what magic do you do?
Ember, not really. Popcorn makes it difficult to run.
Yeah sure Eden *passes popcorn*
* grins and offers nix the book*
The first step of solving your problem is admitting g you have one.
My popcorn magically stays in he box as I run, so I'm good.
Nix is a bonebreaker and an Elemental. Faceless One Nix is a completely immortal Faceless One...with a face.
Me please * rubs popcorn on fingers *
Eden, you might want to run now.
Mm. Okay.
Nix, nice! Bonebreakers are badass.
*smashes book into Eden's skull*
*pushes Eden in front of Nix*
He does! Kill him first!
Nah I'm gonna stand right here and give him a big hug because deep Dow. I k ow he's a big softee
Ember, I like you. I'm either not going to kill you, kill you quickly or kill you slowly
Right...
Because all Faceless Ones are softies...
Thank you, I'm so touched. Do you want popcorn?
* looks up from the ground and holds hands out offering nix a hug* you're in denial.
Faceless One Nix, then what happens if you DON'T lime soneone?
*tears off Eden's arm*
*like
They either get killed by me quickly, slowly, or not at all
Probably same, but minus the first option.
Eden, would you like a hand? Or maybe an arm? Ha, ha, ha. Sorry.
No, sometimes they amuse me enough to live
*takes popcorn and sets it on fire*
*holds up bowl defensively*
*looks awesome, by the way*
*Gets other arm and shove the salt into nix's eyes*
I'm sorry I have to do this but I can reccomend a good counsellor.
Faceless One Nix, that makes sense, I suppose.
*swallows*
Don't worry guys! I have fresh popcorn! *pulls out more popcorn*
Eden is male...
crap
*eyes drop out of head into Eden's lap and turn into grenades without pins*
*appears 100 meters away with new eyes*
*hides under chair and sobs* Sorry E!
Oh my god !!!!! You think I am a girl !!!! If I didn't have both my arms I would hit you so hard.
* grabs pepper spray anyway*
*runs away from grenades and into lake*
Hey Kes, in a fight between Nix and Vile, who do you think would win?
Nix, make sure Eden doesn't get arms any time soon.
*Starred at nix * don't make me beat you in front of all these people nix because ill do it.
Make me
Ember, Vile would win against Nix, Faceless One Nix would win against Vile.
That was directed at Ember
Oh, and Eden
*grenades go off*
Wait, this is sweet popcorn, darn it.
Eden, how have you not been blown up yet?
Kes: Agreed.
Nix: I'm not going to bother.
Nix don't think I don't have a awesomely complicated system for regrowwing my arms because I
Don't actually, damn it.
Because I'm that awesome.
*sets Eden on fire*
*tries to decide whether or not to attempt to interfere*
*looks at Faceless One Nix*
Nope. Not interfering.
This is fun.
Even without my arm nix I will own you like a Mauritanian slave.
Right...
You're forgetting that you've been blown up.
* looks at flames *
Im worried shouldn't getting set alight hurt like hell.
Eden, I'm immortal
You're an armless weakling with poor grammar
I think blowing someone up is too cliche so I just didn't blow up, yeah watcha gonna do about it nix.
Not if youre already dead from being exploded.
No, it's just I hate iPod keyboards.
Faceless One Nix, his grammar isn't nearly as bad as Stilskin Brave's is/was.
Ouch Kes
That's painful just thinking about it
Lets just forget about the explosion.
I once did an RP with somebody and their grammar and spelling was so bad that I just had to stop.
Oh yeah , he was my partner for a brief period but I haven't seen him on for weeks.
I know. It really, really is.
Wait... Did I just cause the great Faceless One Nix pain? *would celebrate but is afraid of being blown up*
Uh, no Eden, it doesn't work like that
At the moment you're just an annoying ghost
BTW Eden, I can resurrect you if you like.
*appears next to Kes*
You were thinking about celebrating
Eden, he hasn't been on here since the Requiem Ball, I think.
Ember, you do that and I'll cast your regenerating popcorn box into a void with no end
Okay, woooooh * in scary ghost voice *
Wooooooh!
Oh, hell...
*runs into lake and swims out into middle*
Yes please ember.
Don't worry ember I can beat nix, I was really wearing him down until he killed me.
*flies over the lake and hovers over the middle*
Kes, can I kill you?
*looks over at Ghost Eden*
You didn't even move besides falling down... and being blown up
Eden, right...
*hopes that Eden annoys Faceless One Nix enough to distract him from me*
Ember any time now.
I feel I need to give nix his book.
Sorry bout the wait...
*concentrates and holds hands out*
Nononononono
*doesn't want to die*
*taps. Symbols which generate an energy shiel*
*glows*
*body reforms*
You're good to go Eden!
*shield
*rips apart energy shield*
I can hear your thoughts you know
Eden, the book I put in your skull? That book?
And Eden, you have arms now.
Thank you * hops up and walks over to nix holding out the date of his appointment with the psychiatrist and the book.
I know...
*thinks about butterflies and unicorns*
*dives underwater*
Underwater?
*looks around*
Wait, where are we again?
Yep the very same book, it has some blood on it but its still readable. By the way the appointment was t cheap so I expect you to go.
*ignores Eden*
*follows Kes*
Msd
*wasnt.
*would curse except for being underwater*
*swims to shore while thinking about orange juice*
Gtg. Oh, and Nist?
*pulls out Sceptre of the Ancients and fires at him before getting Mental to teleport me away*
Don't worry keys I'll save you.
* teleports to kes, slams book in nix's face and teleports away with kes*
Your welcome.
*follows Kes*
*breaks both her legs*
Be right back
*reforms*
Ember Ember Ember. I told you I was immortal
*blows up Ember*
Um... Thank you?
You realise that zombies dont have magic, right?
See ya ember.
I will rember your mistake today.
If you make it again you shall die.
Shite. My legs...
*looks at useless legs*
Ow...
Eden, could you teleport me to Nye?
*tears Eden in half*
I'm bored
But I'm not a zombie because I was brought back by magic alone and my organs are all fully functioning via breathing and blood flow.
By Ember!
Oh, Bye Ember
Okay. * grabs bottom half and kessie and teleports to Nye*
We could rectify that...
*drags self towards Faceless One Nix rather stupidly*
Could you heal these?
*reverses teleport and brings Eden and Kes back to me*
Immortal, eh?
We'll see about THAT!
*throws rice bowl at Nix's head, and it zaps him to death because it's an electric bowl*
*dies from rice bowl*
...
Kidding
*comes back to life*
Electric bowl? What?
*is now infront of Nix*
*halfheartedly slashes at him from the ground*
Damn it * tries really hard to teleport like Hayden Christiansen in jumper but ends up tearing up the ground*
Can someone please distract him so I can escape.
*doesn't even bother to block it*
I could heal you if you asked nicely
*in front
*in front
*send 12.6 million volts of electricity through Eden*
Thrust distract him and I'll get an army to come back and fight him.
Faceless One Nix, almighty Faceless One, will you pretty please with cherries on top heal my legs?
You didn't expect that, did you?
I was literally planning that this whole time. I had to finish my rice first though, and fast. And.. as a result had to leave for a moment only to return fully prepared to strike from my hiding spot while just happened to be in range of Nix's head.
Nix just had to ruin it though by *reviving himself*.
Damn it.
* spine arches in an awkward way as half of it is missing*
I did actually expect it, because I can hear your thoughts Thrust
Kes, you call that nicely?
*heals Eden to the point of it no longer being fatal*
I like armies
* moans from the pain of my spine *
It wasn't? It wasnt sarcasm, I swear.
How about- Almighty Faceless One Nix, if you heal my legs I will serve you for all eternity.
No, you can't because I have a wall and stuff, I think forks, or knives, or crayons inside my head.
* pain stopped *
I wi trade you my ripper army in return for being on you side or a semi neutral ally.
Better
*heals Kes' legs*
*breaks her ribs*
I think crayons would do it...
I don't like armies serving me, I like to fight them
Ah!!!!
No no!!! They going to the arena soon!!!!
Thank you, Faceless One Nix.
Would it be too much bother if I asked you to heal my ribs as well and not injure me any more?
*bows painfully*
Oh sorry, took longer to load than I expected. Deleting.....
I ded this page to my sis, and the other people who rea SP cause I made them. Also to ninjas.
Well I will set them to fight against you to the last man for the same terms.
Hi Grand Mage!
Fine
*heals Kes*
Oh and Eden... Only if you fight them with me. I miss the feeling of killing with a team
Oh my god sorry if i disappear might be sobbing
Post a Comment