The Laura Interview: Part One

Welcome, Minions, to the Blog Event of the Decade. Thanks to you and your votes and your enthusiasm, the notoriously reclusive Laura has agreed to let me interview her tonight- her first interview EVER. We shall be gentle.

“Laura, welcome to your first interview. It’s okay to admit that you’re nervous.”

She raises an eyebrow as she sprawls back, trying to get comfortable in the most uncomfortable of chairs. She eventually manages it by putting one foot up on the arm of my chair, the other foot lying across my left knee. She’s wearing unusual shoes.

“Continue,” she says.

“The first question is, I think, hugely important, and possibly the number one question the readers of this blog want answered: Do you possess a black coat?”

“Yes, I do,” she says. “It’s leather.”

We look at each other, and I get a sudden flash of fear that maybe all her answers will be that short, therefore making this the most awful interview ever. Oh dear God. I press on, refusing to let my enthusiasm dim.

“Before we get into the more complex questions,” I say, “let’s sort out a few things. Which Skulduggery book is your favourite?”

“Oh God,” she says. “I don’t know the names of them.”

I stare at her. “What?”

“I don’t,” she insists. “I think it comes from reading the books before they’re actually published, so they all kind of become this one big blur... Do you know what I mean?”

“Um,” I say. “Well, okay, I suppose it doesn’t help that when you do read them, I usually don’t even have a title ready.”

“Exactly. I know each of the books, obviously, it’s just I don’t know what the titles are.”

“Okay, so titles aside, which one is your favourite?”

I look at her. She looks at me. Eight seconds pass.

I lean closer, my voice dropping to a whisper. “Please say you like the books.”

“I love the books,” she assures me, laughing, “I love the books. Which one is my favourite?” She pauses again. “Which one has Paddy in it? The third one.”

“The Faceless Ones.”

“That’s it. I liked that one. I thought it was amazingly clever.”

“It was amazingly clever,” I nod.

“It was. The story was brilliant, and the fight scenes were fantastic.” She shifts in her chair, adjusting her feet.

“You’re wearing wonderful slipper type things,” I say. “They’re... what are they? They’re not slippers, they’re not boots...”

“They’re bootie slippers,” she grins.

“They’re pink. And they have bobbles.”

“They’re tassels, and they’re not pink. They’re pink and grey, and they’re very... festive.”

“And they’re very, very, very... dirty.”

She laughs again. “They’re my outdoor slippers.”

“Where do you wear these?”

“Outdoors.”

“Like... in nightclubs, or...?”

“Nooo... Like, when I’m at home, and it’s dry outside, I don’t mind going out to the car or something. I won’t go out when it’s been raining or I’ll get, you know... wet feet.”

“They’re so cute.”

“And Ruby has pulled the tassels off the right one, so I only have tassels on the left one.”

“Aww, the bobbles.”

“They’re tassels.”

“Tassels, sorry. But they have little bobble things at the ends.”

“They’re tassels.”

“Yes dear,” I say. “Sorry dear. Okay, next question, let’s see... Who is your favourite hero?”

She practically winces. “I hate the word hero.”

“Well, you prefer it to good guy.”

“Yeah, I do.”

“Alright then- who is your favourite character on the side of good?”

“China,” she says without hesitation. “I love her attitude. I love how she doesn’t care about anyone, I love how superior she is. I think she’s fantastic. And she’s so pretty!”

“She is pretty. Okay, your favourite character on the bad side.”

“Oh, it has to be Billy-Ray.”

“Really?”

“Billy-Ray all the way.”

“Any particular reason?”

“Well... he’s not annoying. I love the banter he has with Val when he pops up, it’s like he has to have a little conversation before he actually attacks anyone. I just think he’s really cool, and with his attitude he’s like a twisted version of China. He’s been my favourite from the start.”

“Unlike the other supposedly ‘annoying’ bad guys? Such as?”

“Oh God... Team Zombie.”

“So you’re not a fan of Scapegrace or Thrasher?”

“I just don’t find them funny.”

“You have no soul. Which villain would you least like to go up against?”

“Ohhh... I should have studied before I came. Em... Let me think about it... Oh, I know who it is.” She looks at me, and nods, and clicks her fingers. Ten seconds pass. “Oh God, what’s his name? The assassin from Mortal Coil.”

I raise an eyebrow. “And why is that?”

“Because I just picture this huge Russian, like the kind you see in the movies. And I love those movies about hitmen, I just think they’re awesome. Yeah, I’d definitely hate to go up against him. He seems to have all the angles covered. No matter what happens, no matter what Skulduggery does, even when things go wrong, he’s just like “oh I have to react” and bam. You’re dead. So he’s the one I’d least like to go up against, but the one that weirds me out the most is the... I’m so bad at names... the spider one...”

“The Torment.”

“Awww he makes me sick. Every time I think of him I think of cats coughing up furballs, you know? Except it’s spiders. I’m not scared of spiders. Like, spiders don’t bother me in the house, it’s just that ugh, they come out of his mouth. It’s like that X-Files episode, where your man is eating the cornflakes, and all of a sudden the cornflakes turn into worms, and he’s spitting them all out. Bleurgh.”

“What kind of books did you read when you were Valkyrie’s age?”

She ponders. “Em... I was a big, huge, gigantic fan of Phillip Pullman. He’s brilliant. I thought they were better than Harry Potter. I was so disappointed with the film. Gutted. But the books were brilliant.”

“He’s a very smart man. Very tall man, too.”

“Is he? Have you met him?”

“Once, in Italy. I was just introduced to him, I shook hands with him, and my mind went completely blank.”

“Were you awestruck, were you? Ah, he’s brilliant. So smart.” Her phone lights up, and she looks at it, and starts tapping. “I’m just going to send a text. You can work on your next question.”

“Oh, right. Uh, thanks. I might also include, in this interview, a little something about all the conversations we’ve had over the years that are interrupted by you sending a text message, or taking a call.”

“Yeah?” she says, without looking up.

“I think so.”

“Are you going to complain about it? Are you going to whine and moan?”

“Maybe a little. Because I can. And unlike every other aspect of my life, when I whine and moan here, people will actually care.”

“Oh yeah,” she says absently, “true.”

I sit there for another thirty seconds. “Oh my God, how long does that take?”

“Oh stop,” she sighs. “Since I started this touch screen thing it takes me ages. Okay, go for it.” She puts down the phone. “Ask me another question.”

“Okay... name me a few of your favourite movies.”

“Shawshank Redemption. Eh... Seven. Training Day. I’m just trying to think of films I can watch over and over again and don’t get fed up watching them. Michael Collins.”

“Really?”

“Yep. Eh... The Matrix. First one, none of the others. The Bourne movies. God, I love the Bourne movies. Should I throw in a girly one?”

“Do you have a girly one?”

She laughs. “Not really. No, actually, I do, I have two, from when I was really young. Pretty Woman and Coyote Ugly.”

“My God, you watched some seriously inappropriate films when you were a kid.”

“I really, really did. Ask me another question.”

“Okay, who do you listen to most on your iPod?”

“Muse. Straight up.”

“Wow, that was pretty definite. And you had the chance to see them live in concert a few weeks ago.”

“Ah, stop the lights. I was so sick that weekend. I couldn’t do anything that whole week. And then it absolutely lashed rain all weekend. I mean, give me a break, you know? I work in the rain so I was, like, I am not going to spend my weekend in the rain. No way.”

“Do you play any instruments?”

“No. I used to play the guitar.”

“Were you good?”

“Middling.”

“What was your favourite type of music to play?”

“Anything I could sing along to. Green Day, U2, Jeff Buckley, even though I couldn’t sing along to Jeff Buckley because he’s so difficult to sing to, but I’d give it a go... A little Nirvana every now and then.”

“Tell the nice people about your dog.”

“Aw, my dog is awesomely cool.”

“And her name is?”

“Ruby.”

“And what is she?”

“She’s a Chinese Crested.”

“And does she look like the picture I posted on the Blog?”

“She definitely doesn’t. She looks way cooler than that.”

“She’s got no hair...”

“Okay, she’s got big ears-”

“Big fluffy ears.”

“She’s got big ears, no hair, she’s got booties... She does tricks.”

“Oh yeah, she turns around.”

“She doesn’t ‘turn around’, Derek, she does a twirl.”

“She poos on my floor.”

“She did that once, and she was a puppy. It was her first time in your house and she was just... marking her spot. She sits. She does high fives. She does twirls, she bows, she stays...”

“She stays? Is that a trick? Is ‘not moving’ a trick?”

“Shut up. She’s very clever.”

“How long have you had her?”

“She will be two in September.”

“And did your parents know you were buying a little doggy?”

“Absolutely not.”

“How did they react when you brought her home?”

“They said ugh, what is that?”

“And was it a struggle to get them to accept your doggy?”

“It definitely was. But I went on holidays for a week, and abandoned the dog with my mother, and when I came back my mother was in love with Ruby, because she could not resist her lovely little charms.”

“I see. And in your opinion, she’s not a silly dog at all, is she?”

“She’s not, she’s cool. And she’s actually very pretty. Some Chinese Crested dogs are ugly, you can look on the internet and see the ugliest dogs in the world, but Ruby is really pretty, and graceful, and lovely...”

“She’s like a little...”

“... and expensive...”

“... skinny rat...”

“Shut up, she is not. She’s not skinny. She’s quite blocky, actually. She’s in marathon training with my mum. They walk, like, 20 K twice a week, and then do regular walks every other day. Ruby is like the fittest dog around. That’s why she’s all muscley. She’s got guns.”

I laugh, and Laura sits forward, away from the microphone. “How am I doing?” she whispers.

“You’re doing very well,” I say.

She nods and sits back, adjusts her feet, and waits for me to continue.

Join us NEXT TIME for the second part of this interview, where Laura talks about Necromancers, feeling protective over Valkyrie, and who SHE would pick- Fletcher or Caelan.