Wednesday, January 6, 2010

ANOTHER FORMATTING CATASTROPHE


Incredibly, following the blog entry in which I asked everyone NOT to comment, I got the MOST comments of this blog’s short history. In which case, I must ask you, nay, DEMAND, that none of you, not ONE of you, send me any money at all. NO MONEY AT ALL, DO YOU HEAR?


Excellent.


A few of you sympathized with my bathmat and towel set, and such sympathies are appreciated in this, my time of need. The best present I got for Christmas, actually, was a mug with a one-eyed dog on the side. The one-eyed dog is called Betty, and she is- officially- Ireland’s Most Loved Dog ™. She even won a competition for the title. The reason I now own a mug with her slightly puzzled-looking face on the side is because Betty went missing right before the competition was held, and I went out, bravely and with no thought to my own personal safety, and found her and brought her back to my good friend Laura. We are now bonded. Me and Betty, that is, not me and Laura. Although if Laura went missing and I went out and found HER, I’m sure we’d be bonded too.


I’m not sure what I’m talking about anymore.


I still don’t know how to blog correctly. Have you noticed the discrepancy between the size of the font in the first few entries and the LAST few? This is because THEY have allowed me to attain some degree of control over this ridiculous blogging enterprise. Unfortunately, the control they have allowed me is control over font size, and I have no idea how to work that particular control. I have instructions, but I have read none of these, and instead I have trusted in the Universe, in Fate, in the almighty Force, to guide my hand.


And judging by the lack of effectiveness, I now believe Fate to be a myth, the Force to be imaginary, and I’m starting to doubt that the Universe even exists.


It’s a brand new year, of course. I am, as you can probably tell, unimaginably thrilled by the whole thing. I am thrilled by the amount of work I will have to do, and the sheer amount of hours I will have to sit in airports. This year I’ll even get to sit in airports I’ve never sat in before. I’ll be able to sit in an airport in Hong Kong, a couple in Australia, and at least one in New Zealand. Won’t that be fun?


You know, I’m not altogether sure I like 2010, which got off to a slow start. I tend not to go out on New Year’s Eve, and I tend not to want to talk to anyone, so I stayed at home and I wrote. This little tradition started after I went through four or five months of being unable to write anything even remotely good, back in 2007. I finally wrote something BRILLIANT on New Year’s Eve, and kept writing through midnight. Since then, it is one of the few traditions I have- start the year as you mean to go on. 


It’s also a great way of declining party invitations. I turned down TWO this time around. It was brilliant. I mean, really, why would I want to go to a party and talk to people I have no interest in? I’d just end up scowling and insulting everyone. Which is what I do every Saturday night ANYWAY.


So I wrote some Skulduggery, and I have to admit, what I wrote was genius. I don’t like to brag, but when no one is around to do it for me, I am forced to. The chapter I wrote was both tense and funny, but also uniquely touching, in a way only truly great writers can achieve. Writers like Hemingway, Tolstoy, Joyce, and Dan Brown, these writers WISH they were as good as me.


I’m joking, by the way. The first three on that list are dead, so they’re not wishing much of anything these days. And the last one is rubbish.


So far, 2010 has been pretty cold and the roads have been pretty bad, which means I haven’t been able to go into town to buy my precious comics, which always puts me in a foul mood. Have you noticed, also, that 2010 SMELLS funny? It does, doesn’t it? It smells faintly of 2004 and old cabbage.


But no, I shall remain positive. No matter the obstacles in my path, I shall overcome, and I shall enjoy a prosperous new year, full of creativity and fun. Fun, I say! And also I shall buy more toys.


Now leave me alone. And remember, SEND ME NO MONEY, MINIONS. 

62 comments:

DOG3OY said...

10% of all my earnings are coming to you now. But you must start a religon to get the tax breaks....
The steak in Hong Kong airport is great. By the time you plan to leave HK you'll be looking forward to it.

wolfchildsarah said...

I will take your money comment literally and will NOT send you money :P

Australia has great airports, Hong Kong had too, but i'm aussie so i like to brag about my country.

sakura.c said...

Yes, actually I was thinking the same thing.It DOES smell like 2004 and cabbage.
Sorry for commenting, but I just wanted to make sure you know you aren't becomeing crazier because it smells like 2004 and cabbage. :D

Oh I wish I was an alien... said...

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ there have some money.

Rawr. I'm a giraffe. said...

you're kinda right. 2010 DOES smell wierd. I can tell somethings going to happen this year. and I won't send you money, and I have no clue how nice those airports are.

the-evil-geek said...

Hehem. The Force is real.

Jake said...

Well. i Just about followed that. it hurts when i think now. :(

Owell. :P

ralindir said...

Of course the universe doesn't exist. Whatever gave you that idea?

And I shall buy a Skulduggery audiobook- that shall destroy my life-savings, and some of it comes back to you, yes?

damacus said...

Wow you're even awesomer in blog-writing form than book-writing form. Hmmm english mangling aside, "awesomer" is soooooooo 2010. Need new hip terminology for us street-hopping rapscallions.

pirate-Jenny-sama said...

You know, you shouldn't announce things like 'the universe doesn't exist' - some people can't handle truths like these. It panics them.

I completely agree about declining parties to write. Writing's much more fun than being stuck in a noisy room with people you can't stand.

Okay, I wont send you any money then =P

Elmarien said...

Mr. Landy, as you asked so politely, I will not give you money. After all, I'm saving it for a new Faber-Castell pack of 48 colored pencils, and colored pencils are more important than donations.

davidjgatward said...

2010 smells like the walk to the Golden Rule pub in Ambleside when all you can think of is a pint of ale and a pickled egg.

Glad I'm not the only writer confused about blogs. Which is why I'm following yours. Why not follow mine for equal confusion? I'm currently fantasising about the stuff I'll buy when my stuff comes out this year (idiot), including the M41A pulse rifle, a lament configuration puzzle box, Mad Max's Interceptor car, a Landrover 101... Though from what I recall you bagged the Superman cape, right? So that one's off the list...

CleoLamora said...

Mr. Landy, your blog is actually the first blog I've ever read cuz well... I think that the whole idea with blogs are rather pathetic. But when I saw in your newsletter that you started one I though: Hey! Let's give it a go!
So I read it and I had some laughs and some grins at your awesomeness and wittynes and I thought: Wow, maybe blogs aren't so bad?
BUT THEN I READ OTHER PEOPLES BLOGS!
AND I FOUND OUT THAT PEOPLE ARE BORING IDIOTS!
YOU, MY FRIEND, HAVE DESTROYED MY BELIEF IN MNKIND BECAUSE YOU GOT MY HOPES UP!
I hope you're happy... *Sniffles*

Nerdy Skeleton said...

Woah.

Woooah.

Hold yer horses, cowboy.

Did you seriously just say, "...the Force to be imaginary..." because, DUDE. The Force...it's *totally* there. What made Luke Skywalker realize that Princess Leia is his SISTER, so it wouldn't end up all awkward and so young (and sorta hot) Harrison Ford/Han Solo could have her?

THE FORCE.

And what helped him to realize his dad isn't all evil and nasty like he's been the whole trilogy?

YEAH. THE FORCE.

For shame, Mr. Landy. FOR SHAME.

Next you'll be telling me mankind won't create the starship Enterprise.

sakura.c said...

My Dad said ( you know the one who goes out every day to work at his job?) "What's your adress?We want to send you some money." And my mum said "Yes what's your adress? We want to come visit you next New Years." :D ( the smiley was just me :] )

Charity

Sukesh said...

I'm just wondering what comics the somewhat all powerful Derek Landy reads. Good luck with the fonts. By the way, you are completely right about 2010 smelling weird.

rhysvanhouten746 said...

sorry for this comment, but you should use microsoft writer. its easier... to change FONT at least.

Avotica said...

Hi,
Just letting you know, noneof us know where you live! We can't send you money. Even those who must do the exact opposite of what you say can't do that, because your publishing agency certainly won't allow any fans to have your address (or even your email address, if you can believe that) and if you were to post it on the internet you'd be an idiot, and probably get a few stalkers out of it.
Oh, and 2010 does NOT spell anything like 2004. And that cabbage thing might just be something you and sakura.c share. 2010 has it's own unique smell that reminds me of my younger day :P Just kidding.
Anyway, just a tip for CleoLamora, there are other good blogs out there. Try looking up lutc.blogspot because that has some pretty good games!

nightelf-elle said...

Comics? You don't read Deadpool by any chance? If not, I am pretty damn sure you could like his humor. Just a friendly suggestion.

And when are you going to visit a few airports in Germany? Preferably in Duesseldorf. I'm pretty much responsible for every sale you made here, so I think you owe me that (I bought a copy of your book for almost all of my friends and I made the other ones buy it themselves or have their family buy it for them for Christmas).

Lynith said...

Wow? A mug with a one eyed dog on?? Your right that is sooo much better than a bathmat and towels. Though I'm sorry to say it doesn't come close to my purple ipod and bran new keyboard (that cost my mummy and daddy £600- stand and pedals not included).

Also I have to agree with Avotica as none of us do know where you live and so it is terfore imposible for us to send you money. Although if we all go out and buy a ton of your books (which are actually awsome by the way) then I guess that in it's self is giving you money no?

Well, I guess I shall just sit here listening to music and musing over what will hapen in your next book, wwhich I am waiting for very impatiently as I need to know what will happen to poor skullduggery! Also I think you should add something more about Valkyries reflection as I think she uses it too much so it should like... become evil or too real and take over her life sorta thing. Just a thought.

Any way, have a very good week Mr. Landy, and happy writing :)

Lynith

tassia_walsh said...

Of course the universe exixsts... It was made by the Turtle in quite a shocking turn of events which now leaves us questioning everything from galaxies, stars and planets, to the colour of toothbrushes, which, in the grand scheme of things, will probably turn out to be of more importance than it currently appears...

Thomas said...

I believe I am growing to love your incredible wit, Mr. Landy.
I simply cannot wait to hear it firsthand when you come to New Zealand.

SaneLunatic said...

Didn't Dan Brown write Angels and Demons and all that malarkey? I'm sure he did. Well, I like the film only because it had Tom Hanks in it. It's silly liking film just because of the actors but I think if you don't like the actor in the film you watch what's the point in watching it?

Who cares. His accent makes me laugh.

I have nothing further to say except the Universe was created by MooCows who dance in the snow. Hence; all the snow. It's their yearly ritual. Believe it.

*Raechi_Cherie* said...

Here's some logic for you. The sooner that new book comes out, the sooner all of us evil weirdos and lunatics that comment on this blog will be able buy it AND will therefore give you more money! I am a genius, I know, I know. *Bows deeply*

And of course the Force does not exist! It is alchemy that makes the world go round. (THIS IS A HINT lol. If you want to read a really good comic, try Fullmetal Alchemist. Sooo funny. I absolutely love it.)

And I was also just wondering which Austrlian airports you will be sitting in, o great and mighty Derek, for if you come to Cairns, there will be a stretch Hummer limo waiting for you. ;)

Cheers, Raech.

flaring rhythm said...

you, my friend, are crazy. welcome to the club, we give out cookies and eggs, no thanks needed, im just here to unite crazies everywhere. ahem. i've sort of forgotten what i was going to say...i do that a lot. i would've sent you a sheep, and er, a cutain rail for christmas, but, like, im not sure the post man would appreciate having a sheep in his van so....you know...i would have no trouble GETTING a sheep, of course, because i am surrounded by them. some of them watch me. quite a lot of them plan to capture and gag me and torture me with slang talk for a while, and then they would kill me...or burn my skulduggery pleasant books, which would suck eggs. so, yeah, even though you are being an enigma and choosing not to inform the crazies of your Christmas, i hope it was slightly good, and i'm going to go now, because fletcher is locked in my cupboard, and i've only laughed at him a bit today...so g'bye
so long, and thanks for all the fish : D

flaring
x

avidreader101 said...

okay, fine. i wont give you any money. though it pains me to do as im told, for some reason i feel it is in both of our best interests if i do not after all give you any money. ha. as if. as soon as Dark Days comes out, i'll keep you in the black myself. what can i say, a rebel to the death! :]

Mad Hatter said...

All right, if you insist, I won't send you money. I wouldn't have, anyway, since I'm saving to go to the only shop in the country that sells anything worth reading, and hasn't been messed up by bloody awfull Icelandic translators... Ehem, sorry for ranting. But I might buy the Faceless ones in the process, so in a roundabout way it' comes back to you.
I totally don't believe in Fate, since it's really just another way for people to tell you what to do, but the Universe... The truth hurts, man.

Ashlie Mae said...

Wow people really like to talk to you dont they? Not that you know I dont like talking too.....anyway um I just was wondering if you ever even read any of these things and had anything to say back? Because most people never read others comments any it is such a waste for any of us out here to say anything. Well I would send you money but I kinda need it so if you send me money then I will send it back! How about that it is a good idea no?

Great Unclean One said...

I would send you money but then I wouldn't have any money to buy your book... or any other books... O_O or comics T_T I'll just have to settle for Cthulhu for now.....

emma said...

Don't complain about the weather seriously I would love snow I have only seen snow once and my teachers wouldn't allow us to do ANYTHING also it 40 c put in au and I can't do anything but suffer slowly watching Micheal wood talk about Alexander the great. Smells I don't know the only smell I notice is smoke but smoke is very common in au in summer.

And to the universe remember it's turtles all the way down

ps some blogs are really funny once my English teacher published an exposition on the stupiedness of tattoos bikies got very angry and left funny comments on the blog I lol-ed

adjm said...

yo derek your books are the best in the world my best friend thinks so to i got him in to skuldug my self. 9 books thats even more then harry potter
DARK DAYS......... I CANT WAIT. I AM MAKING MORE PEOPLE READ YOUR BOOKS. hope you never have a bad
comment

ADJM

VannessaTide said...

dear mr landy
can i jus ask u, did u base uncle gordon on urself, even jus a lil' bit? cos im sure,wen i read these that ur personality matches his alomst perfectly(tho i do detect a hint of skulduggery there aswell). i must apologise for 1. reading the blogs & 2. writing this comment. i wudnt hav dun either but u truly fascinate me sir.
also on a different note, i think ur rite on the nothin exists thing. tht has been my theory 4 years. i hav an arguement 2 bac up my theory aswell. the past dusnt exist cos its gone & not comin bac, the future dusnt exist cos its not here yet & the present dusnt exist cos by the time we stop 2 think about it its in the past...which dusnt exist anymore. y'see? it works.
yours apologetically (for reading the blog & for this comment(im sorry))
Vannessa Tide
p.s. V.Tide is my taken name, i cnt tell u my real name. sorry. lol

realityanalyst said...

You know, the problem with telling us not to send you money is that we don't have an opportunity to send you no money. If you, say, had a paypal button, we could all look at it and think about it and triumph over our generous selves by presenting you with money. That, truly, would be resisting temptation. However, at this very moment, we have no real opportunity to send you no money, because we have no opportunity to send you money. You see the problem? You see?

Fuzz said...

of course, uill send you mon- hang on a minute... somethings not right.... damn it this sucks. Manga is something u'd enjoy, and no, 2010 smells like really monged up cheese... like ur imagination. lol; arrogance fail

shiboo23416 said...

Personally I would rather eat a pie. 2010 I think smells like lollipops and cheese, strange but nice,tryed it and loved it. Now my favourite meal apart from pie. I would send you money but I spent it all on pies. I am now going to fill up some spacej with pie references so my comment is longer and i sound more intelligent. Pie is yummy. I like to eat pie. It tastes like pie. Sorry for commenting but you said you didn't want anyone to and that just made the temptation even greater because i already love commenting and pie related comments are even better and and...Ok I will now stop rambling. I only commented because I wanted to say how much I love your writing. By the way, I don't read comics.

:D

mopey... WOOF WOOF grrrrr said...

Hmm... You know telling people not to read your blog just makes them want to read it anyway? They dont care if you say DONT READ IT! They will read it anyway... Oh, I wouldn't send money anyway, because, quite frankly, i have none. My dad buys the books because he loves them too. Oh how I love annoying you by commenting, marvelous, if i do say so myself. I'm not going to send you cheese either... Because I love it too, everyone knows it and I am always saying how much i love it XD so no, I'll be keeping it for myself thank you very much hmmmphtttt. Oh, twins O_O how dreadful... I know a pair of twins that just love to insult me :D their oh so good at it.... Oh yes, Derek, your books have inspired me, so give yourself a clap on the back! (really hard so i don't do it myself) you are so very terrible at blogs but ahhwell it's better then, well, nothing? No, nothing is better then this =]

Melissa said...

Bwhahaha! I, Melissa, Will be meeting you, Derek Landy, at dymocks....but you have to ask if it is the wonderous me. (HINT: the one with the awsome glasses and hopefully dressed like Valkyrie.) your Fate is sealed...BWAHAHA. (PS: how embarresing on my behalf if you actually remember this? pretty bad, eh?)

Star Midnight said...

Hi from 2012!

I don't usually like parties, but if i stayed at home on new year i probably wouldn't be allowed to stay up yill midnight.

Octaboona Ambrosius: Horace said...

Hello there.

Octaboona Ambrosius: Horace said...

Achievement completed.

Taia DeMars, Inesculent Bean of Written Ramblings (and Dinosaur Enthusiast) said...

Why did I come?
Oh, why did I come here?
These humans all suck.
I'd rather be home,
And, er, writing a story.

*coughs*
(Derek, you make me think of slightly inaccurate song lyrics, okay? Not my fault. Not even slightly.)

*coughs again*

*vanishes*

#ChaseForBook9

Grand Munchkin Octaboona Ambrosius: Horace, Purple Poet and Zero Hero said...

MINE

Grand Munchkin Octaboona Ambrosius: Horace, Purple Poet and Zero Hero said...

MINE

Grand Munchkin Octaboona Ambrosius: Horace, Purple Poet and Zero Hero said...

MINE

Grand Munchkin Octaboona Ambrosius: Horace, Purple Poet and Zero Hero said...

MINE

Grand Munchkin Octaboona Ambrosius: Horace, Purple Poet and Zero Hero said...

MINE

Grand Munchkin Octaboona Ambrosius: Horace, Purple Poet and Zero Hero said...

MINE

Grand Munchkin Octaboona Ambrosius: Horace, Purple Poet and Zero Hero said...

MINE

Grand Munchkin Octaboona Ambrosius: Horace, Purple Poet and Zero Hero said...

MINE

Grand Munchkin Octaboona Ambrosius: Horace, Purple Poet and Zero Hero said...

MINE

emerald phoenix said...

I know I'm like, 4 years too late, but you talked me out of it, Derek, I shall send you no money! :)

emerald phoenix said...

Oh, happy new year!!! Woohoo 2014!!!

emerald phoenix said...

And I never noticed anything odd about the smell of 2010. It could be that I had a blocked nose..... :)

Octaboona Anessen Ambrosius said...

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Clara L. Crowley, Hotel Manager, The Majestic Pirate Crowley, Blogland Award Winner, Teenage Librarian said...

This blog post has been documented, recorded, and filed into the Blogland Archive on December 8, 2014.

Silente Tempest - Self Declared Vampire Queen said...

Aww. Octa works so hard then someone always comments after him.