Monday, December 21, 2009

Christmas Is Coming

Ah, Christmas is coming, and the elves are wrapping the presents and the reindeer are being hooked up to the sleigh, and all is good with the world and I’m FREEZING.

What is wrong with my house? What is wrong with this world that I have to sit here and type while my poor feet grow steadily colder? My poor, poor feet. Have I ever told you how pretty my feet are? Oh they are pretty. Far and wide, people sing songs about my feet and their prettiness. Many a Foot Competition I have won because of these two beauties. And now look at them, shivering in my boots like two hairless ferrets in a bucket. A tragedy, I tell you.

Other writers (lesser writers) in other blogs (lesser blogs) will no doubt wish all their readers a Merry Christmas or a Happy Holiday or other such tripe and nonsense, but not this one. Bah humbug, say I. And if the ghosts of past, present and future elect to visit me at all over the next few days, they shall taste the fury of my blade!

(By fury I mean annoyance. And by blade I mean spoon.)

My Christmas presents, I fear, will be somewhat lacking in size, quantity, and existence this year. My sisters announced last week that they would DO something, instead of BUY something. Last year they did the same, and I pointed to my rather drab downstairs bathroom and asked, “Can you brighten this up?”

I was expecting nothing more than a small table, maybe with a narrow vase atop a doily, some potpourri perhaps. You know, the silly things only truly odd people know how to arrange. They arrived over, surveyed the bathroom, spoke at length about nothing in particular, and left. They didn’t return. Eight months later I bought some potpourri myself, and now it sits, somewhat forlornly, in the sink.

So I was not altogether thrilled by the prospect of another “gift”. But both sisters are pregnant now, and my mother insists that they must be treated delicately. I reasoned that an entire room, no matter how small, was simply too much to ask for last year. So this time, I told them that all I need is a new curtain rail. One single curtain rail. That’s all. Just one.

A curtain rail. For Christmas.

They arrived over yesterday, surveyed the window in question, spoke at length about what it’s like to be pregnant, and left.

I rather fear that I shall never see this curtain rail. They didn’t even take any measurements, for God’s sake.

52 comments:

Oh I wish I was an alien... said...

So you're not going to be like Scrooge and promise to "Honor Christmas and keep it in your heart all year?" LOL

falconwhitaker said...

I empathise with the cold feet thing. Cold feet are the worst! And feet are always the one part of the body that take the longest to warm up. I recommend trying a hot water bottle. Or amputation. Whichever's quicker.

Bex. said...

Your even more BONKERS than... ME!!! Sheesh! Oh, and as for cirtain rails... I've been needing one for... Oh say... 6 months? My room, in summer, is like Blackpool illuminations, like... The Knowing! Y'know, with the sun going BOOM and the place lighting up an- yeah, anyways, and I end up staring at my shrin- SP wall, hehe...
HONEST! I'm not so obsessed I have a wall DEDICATED to Skulduggery! Not JUST Skulduggery anyways... he has to SHARE, with Tanith and Harmony and Valkyrie and Billy-Ray and that whatsit Tom sent me... And all the print offs... and thats it... I think...
Get back on Bebo! I have a nutty friend whos waiting for you to exept her...

Beccas.

p44v9n said...

Don't rely on sisters, the internet's your best hope!
http://bit.ly/CurtainRail

pirate-Jenny-sama said...

Cold feet, ugh! Admittedly, I can't remember what warm feet feel like - walking to work in snow is not fun. But I'm sure it's much worse for you - you have pretty feet after all! :) I bet that's going to be one of those useless bits of information I retain - Derek Landly has pretty feet.

Family members really are useless sometimes; sounds like your poor window will never get it's curtain rail - what a sad, lonely window it'll be this Christmas. I shall send you a virtual one, as I am kind like that!

tassia_walsh said...

wear more socks :)

Cluainn Fhada said...

Buy socks. Wear them.


Dude, you're a awesome book writer person who's name makes me laugh, you gotta have enough cash to buy socks... they're two euro for 6!

Plus, you're Irish, we're hardyer then that.

Is that even a word?

theroguebutterfly said...

cold feet huh? Just make some good looking ugg boots to compliment your good looking feet out of the curtain on the non existent rail.

Jay said...

Hahaha!
I intend to be an author just like you Derek, but hopefully weirder and even more of a lunatic than you!
Great books by the way!

Hannah said...

Reading your blog it reminded me of the steadily approaching xmas pet peeve of mine..... Crappy non persanol presents :S I'm only just finished throwing out last year's!! By the way as regarding the cold feet situation, I've had the same problem!! Wow irish winters suck! My solution consisted of 10 euro and a trip to dunnes stores. Fluffy socks half price? Sorted :) .... Maybe that might work for u?


By the way Happy crimbo and can't wait for the new book to be released over here!

sakura.c said...

Greetings!Nice to meet you I'm Charity. Sorry for your pore pretty feet :D.Maybe you should get some socks...or move to New Orleans where it's warmer??:P Well Merry Christmas to you (too :])

Guard #235 said...

very funny mr. Landy. Now i have something else to fill the tume until christmas.

DOG3OY said...

"my mother insists that they must be treated delicately"

You’re kidding, harness the power that a pregnant woman has and set them to a task you really don’t want to do like getting of a tele sales list or renewing you mobile phone contract with a better rate and a free phone that makes coffee. A pissed off pregnant woman packed full of hormones has more pent up rage than a silver back ape with a tic on his testicle... an you have two.

release the power

Jess said...

I'd much rather have like, a bar of chocolate or the new Skulduggery book. But a CURTAIN RAIL!
Come on, you're a writer, you couldn't have thought up something a little more imaginative, like a pen, or a pen that lights up, or Ugg Boots to keep your toesies warm.

Love the Skulduggery Book btw.
Are you coming to Gold Coast in Australia next year?

paige-nagle said...

Hey Derek!
I pity you with your poor cold feet, and by pity I mean laugh, and by laugh I mean laugh so hard I cried. I agree with the others in saying wear more socks or buy a pair of ugg boots... or just prop them up near the heater. That seems like a simple solution!
Go Australia! The only thing I need to worry about is turning into a lobster for being out in the sun for too long, oh and insects with wings that buzz and don't know when to leave you the hell alone (*swats at a fly hopelessly*).

And hey, if you're not expecting a curtain rail from your sisters this year, buy THEM one! Maybe they'll give it back to you. Or perhaps that's just wishful thinking...

Anyway, I'm looking forwards to more blogs that I can laugh at relentlessly! Then I'll go back to re-reading the first three books so I can procrastinate from the books I'm SUPPOSED to be reading for school. Though, I reckon if I re-read the books anymore I'll be able to recite them. I love your books so much, they've kicked Twilight off of my top shelf, and are sitting happily beside Harry Potter.
Have a good Christmas with your poor cold feet and poor forlorn bathroom and poor non-existing curtain rail.

Lars said...

Hm...
You know, there's a race of people known as "hobbits", who has come up with an excellent idea for fixing problems of this nature. They grow HAIR on their feet (just saying)

I am not some fancy big-city phsycologist, but I recognize the state your relatives are in, and NO, you will not get a curtain rail this year. Neither will your bathroom ever be as nice as you hope.

Still, I wish you a very, veyr, very, very happy... hm... Humbug...?

absyntheminded said...

My feet are toasty warm because of my beautiful arctic tundra boots :) Maybe you should get some?

rhosyn123 said...

ahh, cold feet huh?? a simptyon of christmas that is!! sorry to mention the old taboo but...Merry Christmas Scrooge and to your awesome characters...or people in your head...Skulduggery and the gang!

a curtain rail...good choice, something useful and needing, better than socks, well, it seems you do need socks too. anyhow enjoy your christmas and congrats to your sisters!! haha, two new nephew or nieces...i feel sorry for you!!

ruby said...

Lol. I love your blog. And your books. They're amazing. I live in Australia and I cant wait for you to come. I'm literally calling all the book stores around my place I know and asking them if you're coming to one of our librarys. haha. I know how you feel to have a pregnant sister. I'm an 11 year old girl and I have to put up with my short ass, annoying, mean (hormonal imbalanced), complaining, and moaning sister! She reckons she can use being pregnant as an excuse for it. Princess... lol. anyway, keep writing your amazing stuff. I'm a writer too. top 1% in Australia and top 10% percent in Aus. NZ, and Papua New Guinea. hopefully i turn out to be a writer like you!

~Ruby, Syd Aus.

ruby said...

yer coz i like paranormal stuff. and horror. Action. Adventure etc. ur book is just tht with also a bit of added humour

tombydand. said...

oh dear. well yes i have a blog. some where i think i've some what given up on it. also cold feet are ghastly. cant wait till ihave underfloor heating. not that heating ever is on when needed.
everyyear i try and be humbug. and the rest of my family persuade me to be other wise. this year i tried the festive route. and wasn't allowed to play a single christmas song till this morning. gargh! i think. clearly. the route for yo to take is to say to your sisters "i do NOT want my downstairs bathroom brightened and i definately do NOT want a new curtain rail" maybee the addage of the not will jog their memorys and you'll get a curtain rail for easter.

Lin said...

cold feet=take a fat cat and put it on your foot. cats are very warm, and as long as you don't want it there, i guarantee that it will sit there. it's cat psychology! and have fun with your curtian rail...you can say that it's the coolest present ever-you don't see it because it's (invisible or a ghost)! and invisible/ghost stuff, no matter what it is, is awesome! and i am a lunatic. thank you for recognizing that.
Merry Christmas!!! (with the ghosts)

Valkyrie_Cain said...

Sorry about your feet. I feel bad for your feet. I hope they dont fall off. It sounds like its really cold out there.... anyhoooo,
I LOVE YOU A LOT and so does my dad. But i love u more. Please try and ENJOY writing blogs. Like, just think that in a few months 100000000000 and 99999999999999999 people would have read it.
lol.

I love ur third book and i cant wait for the fourth..............you are making a fourth one right? RIGHT????!!! well...the ending of the third book kindah gave it away....

(and by kindah i mean gave)

lol. I love uuuuuuu and Valkrie and Skulduggery and Tanith and China and EVERYONE ELSE IN UR BOOOKS!!!!!!
( and when i say everyone i mean the good guys)

Well............i understand u get a lot of Fan mail. But plzzzzzzzz, mercy.... beging of you on my knees to reply to this message!!!! im ur own words!!!!!!!!!

IM 11 AND IM SOOOOO IN LOVE WITH UR BOOOOOOOOOKSSS!!!!!!!!! im ur BIGGEST FAN!!!!!

(i know everyone says that. but im serious.. i AM ur BIGGEST fan!!)

V.

Saint Claude said...

You're complaining about the cold. You can't complain about any sort of weather until you've been through a 39 degree Christmas! Try living in Australia for a while!!

Sabrinaaa-chan said...

Hahaa, that was funny! By the way, Derek, do you have any fans from Singapore? If not, I'm one!

Gsiano said...

You have pretty feet, and I have pretty hands. People all over the world drool when they see them as I walk down the street. They cry when I wear gloves.

Anya said...

I'm going back to your old blogs to comment, Mr. Landy. I bet you hate that. HAHAHAHAHA! Love your books, though.

Just wanted to let you know.... :)

Everisse Eterna said...

Yay! Will whoever is reading this check out my recently posted fanfiction blog?
Blatant, shameless advertising, I know.

Star Midnight said...

Hi derek!

In 2012 you wished all your minions (us!) a happy new year. You made a big long speech about it and everything. Yes, i know it was a warm winter, but still. Major opion change

Adrasdos Dark said...

I'm beginning to wonder, Derek if nowadays the editors or whoever forced you to make this "accursed" blog still make you blog every 10 days or so.
Just a thought.
Oh, and uh, come to America. Your editors or whoever aren't letting you... who cares. You know some cities!!! Seattle, New York, Cincinnnati, Orlando... Unofficially.
Think of it as an undercover thing!!!
Spying on Ameriminions... Sneaking into their houses while away, and signing their books.
RIGHT???
HOW EPIC IS THAT???
Well, save the B&E, but I wouldn't mind :D

Ariana Shade said...

SEATTLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Octaboona Ambrosius: Horace said...

I really like round numbers.

So why not push up all the posts to the nearest ten?

Octaboona Ambrosius: Horace said...

*hums*

Octaboona Ambrosius: Horace said...

*trips over a dog*

Octaboona Ambrosius: Horace said...

*drowns in a sea of purple*

Octaboona Ambrosius: Horace said...

*warbles*

Octaboona Ambrosius: Horace said...

I am not amused.

Octaboona Ambrosius: Horace said...

Cake.

Octaboona Ambrosius: Horace said...

Forest green.

Octaboona Ambrosius: Horace said...

Achievement completed.

The Empress Lady Adra "The Ducktor" Dark, Flower Princess said...

Hey There Octa

Octaboona Anessen Ambrosius said...

*

Octaboona Anessen Ambrosius said...

*

Octaboona Anessen Ambrosius said...

*

Octaboona Anessen Ambrosius said...

*

Octaboona Anessen Ambrosius said...

*

Octaboona Anessen Ambrosius said...

*

Octaboona Anessen Ambrosius said...

*

Octaboona Anessen Ambrosius said...

*

Octaboona Anessen Ambrosius said...

*

Clara L. Crowley, Hotel Manager, The Majestic Pirate Crowley, Blogland Award Winner, Teenage Librarian said...

This blog post has been documented, recorded, and filed into the Blogland Archive on December 8, 2014.

Silente Tempest - Self Declared Vampire Queen said...

Sometimes it's nice to be able to say I was here.